It was a year ago yesterday that I had my mammogram, ultrasound and core biopsy. That was the day the radiologist told me he was pretty sure it was cancer.
Sometimes I'd like to find that doctor and talk to him. He had said within a year it would all be a distant bad memory. I'd have a lumpectomy, maybe chemo, and radiation. He even said most women can keep working without much interruption in their lives. Yes, he meant well, but he should have just kept quiet. I don't hold any bad thoughts toward him, but he got it all wrong with me.
Maybe that's why I've been feeling a bit blue these days. It's one year later and that 'distant bad memory' is still in my present. They (meaning my doctors) tell me I'm in remission (though I don't have any tests that officially say so). That does give me some relief. But I still have to finish my Herceptin treatments through January. Of course, instant menopause and tamoxifen haven't helped my topsy-turvy emotional and non-hormonal state of mind.
So, here's the part where I tell it as it is. What do you do when there are more bad days than good days? I'm past the intense phase of surgeries, chemo and radiation. Now I'm adjusting to the emotional ups-and-downs of dealing with body image, chronic pain, short and long term side effects. How do I stay afloat with homeschooling, household management, continued doctor and physical therapy appointments, and treatments. Honestly, there are many days that I'd rather stay in bed.
I've got some good ideas...... like prayer, rest, healthy eating, good supplements, talking with someone. These have all been helpful to me, but apparently not enough. One thing that I've been avoiding, delaying, putting off (you name it!!!) is exercise. Of course, this is one of the most important things I could be doing for myself.
For about six weeks, I've been exploring the idea of swimming. It would help my range of motion and strength in both arms, as well as help with my lymphadema and chronic chest wall pain on the right side. Plus, exercise in general is good for one's mood. 'I've been meaning to'......(how many times have I said that?!?)......call a couple with whom I used to swim a few years ago. I couldn't find the evening swim times anywhere and I knew they would know. But..... 'I just never got around to it' (oh yeah, I've heard that before).
Well, I serve a God who cares about me. He cares about every little intimate detail of my life. No, He didn't spare me from a pretty tough year, but He never let me walk it alone, either.
Well, guess who I ran into the other night? Yep, my swimming friends!!!! I haven't seen them for over 2 years. The moment I saw them I thanked God for loving me so much. The following night, I was in the pool.
What a sight! Swimming, though not my preferred method of exercise, is ideal for my circumstances. The problem.....I really can't swim. It's amazing how flippers, a kick board, and a floatation device around the waist can keep this non-swimmer afloat!!! Within a few laps, I was able to toss out the kick board and swim free style (yes, I kept the floaty around my waist!)
I'm praying that adding exercise will help the emotional ups and downs I've been having. Instead of bobbing up and down in the endless sea of 'life after cancer'.....I pray I'll struggle less, and stay afloat more, now that I've added swimming to my weekly repertoire.
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We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek. Hebrews 6:19-20
4 comments:
Good for you Michelle!! I also am not a strong swimmer. I would use have all the floaties available and probably wouldn't let them go! :)
Praying for you...
I think you have started in a good place, by letting it be known that you are struggling. That enables others to jump in and "hold up your arms" just like Abraham's buddies did when he got weary. We are praying for you here in Oklahoma. May God be the lifter of your head and your strength each minute. He has gained so much glory through the way you have been clinging to Him through all of this. You have caused my eyes to turn to Him as I have read your blog. You have continued to speak of His goodness when others would throw up their hands and curse Him. I know our Almighty Father is pleased with you.
Love you sister!
Dawn Davis
Oh, my friend. Planning the Thanksgiving Feast I have been thinking a lot about you and the Thanksgiving Feast last year. God has been faithful to deliver you through a VERY HARD year and now here you are looking back. And here you are moving forward. I think that I would be having posttraumatic stress disorder if I were in your shoes!
Breathe and be blessed. Know that you are still prayed for and that next Thanksgiving you'll be looking back again amazed at His goodness.
There's a water aerobics class at Avon Middle school 8-9 on M, T, Th evenings for $3 a session. You can swim laps or participate in the aerobics. It's a lot of fun- you should come sometime!
praise God for His provision!! :) :) Go, girl, go!! :)
C
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