Don't Give Up

When I was first diagnosed a friend gave me a thin hot pink book. On the cover is part of the hand of a woman holding a sword. The book is Warrior Chicks: Rising Strong, Beautiful and Confident, by Holly Wagner. Although I had plenty of other important things to do while I received my Herceptin treatment today, I decided to finally take a peak between the covers of this book.

I was not disappointed!!!

Holly describes the difference between a soldier and a warrior. 'Soldier' is a position and 'Warrior' is an attitude. A soldier signs up to join the fight; a warrior stays until it is finished. I needed this encouragement as I round the bend of my primary treatment and find myself growing weary of the battle. Only 6 months to go....but it seems like an eternity. Holly writes, "Others are watching to see how we handle this battle. They want answers. And they are hoping we have some."

Most of us don't sign up for the battles we face. Yet there we are in the midst of them. We can face them as soldiers OR we can face them as warriors. To rise above it all. Rather than try to re-phrase Holly's words from pages 35-36 I want to share them with you. As you face the battle that is before you, I pray you will be encouraged to be the Warrior whom God has created you to be.

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What battle are you in the middle of now? (If you are not in one right now, your turn is next week!)

Is it your marriage?

Well, there are those watching who need to see how to have a great one, so don't give up.

Please.

Is it raising children?

Well, there are those watching who need to see how to raise healthy ones, so don't give up.

Please.

Is it feeding the hungry?

Well, there are hungry people who need to be fed, so don't give up.

Please.

Is it coming out of an abusive relationship?

Well, there are those watching who need to see how to get out, too, so don't give up.

Please.

Is it overcoming depression?

Well, there are those watching who need to see how to do it, so don't give up.

Please.
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Please, don't give up.

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Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn. Isaiah 60:1-3

FEAR (Part I)

I've been thinking about fear for awhile now, but have been afraid to share my thoughts!! :) Today, I had a pretty scary thing happen to me. It opened my eyes again to the fears that can consume us.

After church we went to lunch at Fazoli's. When our order was up, Spencer and I picked up the two trays. I wasn't in any hurry, but as I started to unload the bowls of fettuccine alfredo and spaghetti, the tray tipped and two of the dishes started to slide down. In my attempt to counterbalance the falling food, much of the hot pasta and sauces dumped onto my left hand. I've been burned before, but the fear that gripped my heart during this incident was like nothing I've ever experienced.

The fear was so real and so unsettling that my heart felt like it was transferred to another reality. I stood frozen for longer than I should have (at least it felt like an eternity). I didn't make a sound. I didn't even scream. I just stood there with burning hot pasta sitting atop my hand. All I could hear were the words of my physical therapist......Now that you've had your lymph nodes removed, skin care is of utmost importance. You have to take care of your skin. Avoid burns of any kind. Any kind of trauma to your arms and hands can be a precursor for lymphadema. And once lymphadema begins, it will be a chronic issue.......Finally, I was jarred back to my present reality. With images of lymphadema in my mind and with tears streaming down my face, I quickly wiped the food away and headed to the bathroom to run my skin under some lukewarm water.

To the passerby, I'm pretty sure it didn't look so bad and that my reaction was minor. I wasn't hysterical. I wasn't screaming or shouting or blaming. But the fear in my heart was real. It was all-consuming. It literally stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't move. This fear had a power over me.

When I returned to the table, the skin on the back of my hand was pretty red. It hurt. I told Sean about my fear and how I'm supposed to avoid burns for the rest of my life. This is why I'm so thankful that God gave me such a sensible, logical man!!! He said, "It's going to happen, honey. You can't avoid being burned for the rest of your life. Sooner or later it's going to happen. You can't worry about it, just accept it. And when it happens, we'll pray God's protection over you." It was as simple as that for him. It took awhile for that truth to soak into my spirit. But finally, the tears stopped coming and I rested in that truth. By the time we left the restaurant, my skin color was back to normal. There was a minor tenderness in the area of the burn, but no blisters. More importantly, I was no longer consumed by my fear of lymphadema.

Lymphadema is still a real risk for me, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. I won't be controlled by that fear. I will make wise choices, of course, and try to avoid burns, but accidents like today are bound to happen again.

Maybe I'll have more courage to share the other thoughts I have on fear in the next few weeks. There are so many fears that can consume us. There are many fears that control us, causing our hearts to stay in a perpetually unsettled state. These fears limit us and keep us from living the life of freedom that God has given us. Freedom to love....Freedom to give.....Freedom to receive.

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So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:1-4

Round-Up is Almost Done

Just prior to my final submission to having radiation I had a discussion with my medical oncologist and husband. It went something like this:

Me: It's not so much that I don't want to do radiation, it's the surgery to remove my port and put another one in that I'm dreading.....all because of a suspected 15% chance of local recurrence.

Sean: Why do we need to do radiation? What does it do?

Me: It's like weed killer on a garden, Sean. It's supposed to keep the weeds from coming back....well, not the weeds....the cancer......you know what I mean.......that's just how I see it.

Dr. M: Hmm....Round-Up for the Chest Wall.....That's one way of looking at it.

Well, one port surgery and 27 radiation treatments later......and I've just about finished my round-up. Only one more to go!!! As much as I'd like to celebrate, I really can't yet. Sure it's great that my final radiation treatment is on Monday, but I still have my Herceptin treatments through January. That's when I'll be ready to P..A..R..T..Y!!

Help me, Lord, to stay positive. I'm really getting tired of it all. Help me to run this race with your strength and your peace. Continue to give me courage and boldness. May I continue to rejoice in you and give you praise, for GREAT is Your faithfulness!!

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Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

Someone Cares

A few deep thoughts keep running through my mind lately as I reflect on what I've been through and as I watch those around me struggling with their own trials in life. This entry is for anyone who finds themselves hurting. Maybe it's a physical hurt, but it can also be a hurt of an emotional or spiritual nature. I have been well cared for during this journey with breast cancer, but that doesn't mean that I've been exempt from the physical, emotional and spiritual hurting that comes from dealing with the disease. Particulary, I was thinking about how my journey with cancer began and how I wasn't sure what to do or say for those first few weeks before my 'official' diagnosis.

The day after I found my lump, we had our first cornhole party at our house. As is the nature of things here, it was a completely last minute, unplanned activity. In fact, Sean invited everyone over before he even had the set built. I remember getting home from work and thinking about the pain that persisted in my breast. I really wasn't sure what to do with it. Finding Sean at the borrowed sewing machine, stitching together his 6 inch by 6 inch red and blue bags was a good distraction for me. I took the empty bags to the front porch and started pouring 2 cups of corn into each one. As our friends arrived, we gave them needle and thread and had them hand stitch the bags closed. (Yeah, if you want to come to a party at our house....just know that you'll have to work!!) The night was loads of fun for everyone and a good distraction for me. Yet, I had this yearning inside to tell someone, to be comforted and prayed for.

I didn't mention anything to anyone that night about my lump. I was hoping it was nothing to be concerned about. (Hindsight is always 20/20!!) Even though there were some doubts in my mind, I didn't want to ruin a good party. Strange how we can believe a lie like that!

"No, Michelle, don't mention it to anyone. Keep it to yourself. Look how happy everyone is. No one wants to hear that you're worried about this lump. No one cares."

No one cares????..... That's exactly what Satan wants us to believe when we are hurting.

No one cares..... Is that true?

Two weekends later I had a Thanksgiving Celebration with my homeschool group on Friday night and a Junior Bible Quiz meet with some of my kids on Saturday. I'd had my mammogram, my ultrasound, and my core biopsy by then. All signs indicated cancer, but I had not received the official results. I was holding out hope that the radiologist's speculations were WRONG!! I went through the entire weekend with people all around me.....

And I didn't mentioning anything about my lump. I was hoping there was nothing to be concerned about (Can anyone say DENIAL???) Even though there were plenty of doubts in my mind, I didn't want to ruin a good celebration and day of quizzing. Strange how we can believe a lie like that?

"No, Michelle, don't mention it to anyone. Keep it to yourself. Look how busy everybody is. No one wants to hear that you're worried about this lump. No one cares."

No one cares???.......That's exactly what Satan wants us to believe when we are hurting.

No one cares....... Is that true?

It was the Monday before Thanksgiving when I found out officially that I had breast cancer. Seventeen days had passed by. Seventeen very agonizing days. My spirit and my mind were reeling as I contemplated all the 'what ifs' and the 'how comes.' Only a handful of my family and a couple of friends knew. Would things have been different had I been willing to seek help earlier? I don' t wonder if the outcome of the diagnosis would have been different. I wonder if my spirit and my mind would have had less turmoil in those early days had I sought prayer from the get-go. Because once I 'spilled the beans' a welcomed peace pervaded my soul. A peace that cannot be explained.

Are you hurting? Are you surrounded by people who could help you....people who could pray for you or cry with you.....people who could help lift a burden that you're carrying. Yet, all that you can think is that they're too busy.....or they're too happy.... or that no one cares. Or maybe you don't want to spoil a good time or ruin a good thing. Yet there you are.....still hurting. You have a smile on your face, but it's been disconnected from the pain that is in your heart. You're trying to move forward and pretend that everything is alright, but it's not.

Are you hurting? Reach out to someone. Someone does care.

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All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Humble ourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:5b-7

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you... Psalm 55:22a

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

The three older boys have been busy these last two weeks with Music Camp. They've had practice every morning for three hours in preparation for their performance tonight of "Race to Win!" This is Trevor's third year, Parker's second year, and Spencer's first year to go to this camp. I'm really looking forward to the show!!

The other night Parker was getting out of the bath tub and complaining about being sooooooo tired. The combination of going to bed late and getting up for Music Camp has taken it's toll on his 6 year old body. Using the 'burning the candle at both ends' analogy, I tried to explain to Parker why he was so tired, and that I would do better as a mommy in making sure he got enough rest.

Last night, as Sean was putting Parker to bed, Parker was explaining to his daddy how he felt poorly the other day.

Sean: What do you think it was from?
Parker: Well, you see, I had two candles on both sides of my head. It was from going to bed too late and getting up too early.

After tucking Parker in, Sean came to ask me what in the world that was about. After about 5 minutes of laughing my head off, I was finally able to explain to my concrete husband why Parker had 'two candles on either side of his head.' What a hoot!! It was good to laugh like that.

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Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death. Psalm 68: 19,20

Pruning Seems Easier

When it comes to character training with my boys or myself, real pruning would seem easier. It would take less energy to just cut off a branch of pride, a vine of anger, a twig of deception, a limb of fear and a shoot of dissension? Just cut it off. Let it shrivel up and die, never to show it's ugly head again.

Pruning would still require some effort. Being a poor gardener myself, I have first hand experience in what happens when plants aren't cared for properly. What a mess! If we really did have these strange extensions of pride, anger, deception, etc. sprouting from our bodies, we'd be a mess, too. We'd get entwined so easily that nothing would get accomplished. It would take a vigilant gardener to keep our 'flora' healthy and strong. Of course if the gardener himself has his own faults, he'd quickly have his own extensions to deal with....I wonder if he'd turn out looking like Edward Scissorhands.

Of course, I can't really ask a plant its opinion on the matter. It's a plant. It doesn't have a spirit or a choice. Only the gardener does. Only the gardener decides what to prune, when to prune, how to prune...or if he even wants to prune. The plant is at the mercy of the gardener.

I suppose......am I really saying this??.......I suppose I'd rather keep 'butting' heads with my kiddos. Hopefully, it will be less frequent if I stay consistent and if I discipline with love. I'd rather it be their choice to choose right from wrong. Their choice to lay down their pride. And it's my choice as to how I respond.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for being our gardener. May we accept your pruning so that we may be fruitful. Thank you for giving us choice. May we choose to be a blessing for life!

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Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:1-2

Mr. Independent is Ready

My youngest won't turn five until mid-September, but I've considered starting him in Kindergarten this year. I hadn't made up my mind until today, when he and I had the following conversation:

Brenner: Mommy, are you going to sign me up for school at home this year?
Mommy: I've thought about it. Do you want me to?
Brenner: Yes, but not today. We can start tomorrow. I won't whine or cry or anything.
Mommy: Well that's good to hear. What makes you say that?
Brenner: 'Cause school takes WAAAAAAAAAAAY too long if you whine and cry. I want to get it done faster.

Apparently, this wise young boy has already learned an important lesson!!

Ode to My Hair (Part IV)

It wasn't very long ago,
That nothing on my head did grow.
'Til finally on that wondrous day
Some new found hairs were on display!!!
What joy! What hope! What happy bliss!
Those hairs upon my head were missed.
To have them back was a relief.
The time felt long, but it was brief.
Each passing day I did await
To see what my new hair would state.

Curly or straight? or thick again?
Brown or gray? or would it be thin?
My brows and lashes....what if they
never again saw the light of day?
So many things I wanted to know.....
I'd have to wait for my hair to grow!!
Others had said that they were surprised
To find less hair on their arms and thighs.
To have that kind of unplanned result
Wouldn't be all that difficult!

After several weeks, and frequent glances
I see that my hair has had some enhances.
Along with the brown, there is sprinkled more grey.
Although it seems straight, there are curls on the way.
I'm thrilled with the head full of hair that I've got,
But the other parts of my body......I'm not!
The hairs on my legs, in my pits and my toes,
The ones on my arms, on my belly and nose,
And EVEN the single lone hair from my chin,
Each one has come back with an unruly friend!!!

Ah well! So it goes. I should not complain.
The last thing I want is to sound like I'm vain.
I'm wonderf'ly blessed to have breath in my being
To lift up my voice, to give praises, and sing
To God who has sheltered me during this trial,
Who has given me courage and helped me to smile.
Without Him I'd perish. But with Him....I live!
Glory and Honor to Him do I give.
It's not about hair or where it might grow.
It's really about the Savior I know!

Clinical Trial

After an early radiation appointment this morning, I drove downtown for my Herceptin treatment and to begin my enrollment in a clinical trial. I haven't mentioned anything about this trial on my blog, but I have been diligently researching it behind the scenes to determine if participating was worth it. Unlike the other studies I have done, this is a trial. That means I will be taking a medication for a lengthy time (3 years) to determine if it will help reduce the risk of recurrence in women with early stage breast cancer who are in remission. I've asked many doctors and nurses who are and who are not connected with my current treatment; I've spent many evenings looking at the potential risks and benefits of the drug; I've prayed about it; I've discussed it with my husband. I say all of this to ease concerns of friends and family who are reading this. My decision to enroll was taken with great care. As with any clinical trial, if I find I do not tolerate the drug well or for whatever reason decide to stop, I can do that.

So the first obvious question is......What drug am I going to be taking?
The answer.........Bisphosphonates. These are the same drugs prescribed for osteoporosis, only at greater dosages. The clinical trial is looking at three different bisphosphonates to determine which one can provide the best benefit with the least amount of side effects (which are mostly gastrointestinal in nature). Bisphosphonates are currently being used to treat patients whose cancer has spread to their bones. There are already some good results from other trials indicating that bisphosphonates can reduce recurrence for women with early stage breast cancer.

The next probable question is.......Why? Why would you do this?
The answer.........That's hard to explain completely, but here are some of my thoughts:

*I'm 37 years old and, because of my decision to remove my ovaries, I am in menopause. I believe my oophorectomy was the right choice for me. Taking Vitamin D and calcium combined with eating healthy and exercise are good options to keep my bones healthy, but taking hormones to help maintain my bone health is not an option. So, I'm at risk for osteoporosis. I see a benefit in taking the bisphosphonates. I don't know when my days will be numbered (only God does), but I want to be as healthy and as strong as I can be for however long He grants me....just like my Great Grandma Vivian, who was treated for breast cancer in her mid-50's and was a survivor for over 40 years!!!

* A few Saturdays ago I met a woman I didn't know. We were at the All-Alumni weekend of our Alma mater......alumni of the same college, but having graduated nearly 30 years a part from one another. She noticed my short hair, quietly came up to me and gently said, "May I ask you a personal question?.....Is your hair just starting to grow out?" Of which I answered, "Yes." She proceeded to tell me that she was a 5 year survivor and had been one of the women who took part in the Herceptin clinical trial. The results of that trail made a big impact in the oncology world. Up until that time there was not an effective treatment for women whose cancer was Her2 positive. It was because of her courage and the many women like her, that I am blessed to be receiving Herceptin today. I had been asking God to confirm in my heart which may I was to go forward with the bisphosphonate clinical trial. I truly felt that the unlikely meeting of this woman and me was ordained by God.

* Strange, but true.....I had a physical therapy appointment just a few days after Trevor had broken his arm. While the PT was working out some of my scar tissue, I was telling her about Trevor's unhappy event. She looked at me and said, "Does he have osteogenic imperfecta type A like you do?"........I had no idea what she was talking about.....so I asked, "What do you mean?" She said, "Well, the whites of your eyes have a very mild blue tint to them. That's a fairly good sign that you have a mild form of it and you could have passed that on to your son." She's a very knowledgeable lady and had in fact studied a family with two girls who'd had this same genetic defect. Apparently every summer the two girls would end up with a broken bone of some sort. Now, I don't know if Trevor or I really do have this bone imperfection, but I do know that of all my sisters I've had the most broken bones (and of all his brothers, Trevor holds the record). Regardless, it made me think, "I may really need these bisphosphonates more than I know."

* I'm sure I could tell you many more things about how this decision was made........but I can't remember them right now!!!! Except, I have gained about as much knowledge as is possible in finding out more about it, I have prayed about it and asked God to give me direction and discernment and wisdom, AND I have submitted the whole thing before my husband who has given me his blessing in moving forward.

Sooooooooo, I started the clinical trial today. After a creatinin blood test to make sure my kidneys were working properly, I was randomized to one of three arms of the trial. That means that this trial is studying three different bisphosphonates. Neither I, nor my doctor have the option to choose which one I take. It's chosen by the computer. One of the drugs is given intravenously (once a month for 6 months, then every 3 months after that....for 3 years). The other two drugs are in pill form and are taken orally every day for 3 years. Considering the fact that I have a nice new PowerPort, that I'm to avoid blood draws from either arm for quite some time and therefore needed a good reason (in my own mind) to keep my port after my Herceptin infusions end in January, AND that I hate the idea of taking a pill EVERY DAY for 3 years (I'm already taking more than I'm used to)......I was hoping for the IV drug.

Annnnnnnnnnd, (written that way because I know that I take way to long to explain things and I'm just as happy as you that this blog entry is coming to an end) that's what I got. The IV form of the bisphosphonate!!!!!

Whew! Well, it's been a long day.....Radiation....Herceptin....Zometa......dead tadpole (oh, that's whole other tale that won't be told tonight.....Sorry, Beth....We were not good tadpole keepers).

Before I sign off: Thank you, Hillary, for keeping my younger two boys all day. Thank you, Sandy, for joining me for lunch on a day that you could have gone home early from work. And, to Mr. and Mrs. G, thank you for the wonderful stew, biscuits and dessert. What a blessing to come home to some good home cooking!!! I'm so sorry I missed seeing you.

General Ramblings and Praises

I've had plenty of ideas to posts....just not enough time to put them down. I did want to mention some praise reports.

*My port finally feels at home in my body....just under my left collar bone and beside my sternum. No more strange feelings when I turn my head or laugh or cough. In the last week I've even been able to lie down on my belly for about an hour at a time at night. I haven't been able to do that comfortably for almost eight months.

*My radiation treatments are going well. I've completed 13 and have 15 to go. There's been minimal darkening of the skin in the radiated area and only a minor irritation in the area under my armpit.

*My hair keeps growing!!! Look out for 'Ode to My Hair' Part IV!!!

*A dear friend of mine and her family is having a ladies softball tournament in Brownsburg on September 13th. The proceeds are to benefit 4 families, including mine. If you want more information, you can check out her foundation's website at: www.sweetmelissafoundation.org


I just had to mention a conversation I had over the weekend with Grama while Parker sat with us enjoying his popsicle. I said something about 'putting my foot in my mouth,' and Parker interjected, "Oh, yeah.....I've done that!" Grama and I laughed hysterically. We knew Parker was not thinking of figurative feet!!!!

May you find joy in your day today. Even in the midst of the heaviest of life's circumstances, may an unexpected smile tweak your face and a giggle cross your path. May you place your burdens at the feet of Jesus and leave them there for Him to carry.

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"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death." Psalm 68:19-20

Jesus speaking to his disciples....."Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." John 16:17

A Nice Break

Last week didn't turn out as I had planned......and that's a good thing. Initially, I thought I'd have a week to myself without any of the boys. I'd have time to get my house back in order, time to get in some important planning meetings for the homeschool co-op, and time to read a good book and rest. Trevor's unexpected trip to the ER changed that.

Spencer went off to Church Camp without Trevor. Parker and Brenner went off with Mimi and Papaw for a week of camping. Sean was in and out of town with his work. Trevor and I stayed home.

It turns out that Spencer had a blast on his trip to Wise, West Virginia. He went caving and swimming, completed a ropes course and ate LOTS of food....More importantly, he had the opportunity to 'grow in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.' (Luke 2:52) He grew up just a little bit more while he was away. I'm so proud of Spencer.

Parker and Brenner had a blast on their trip to Turkey Run and Raccoon Lake with Mimi and Papaw. They rode bikes, splashed in the lake, played at the playground, met new friends and ate LOTS of food.....More importantly, they had a special time with their grandparents.....What a wonderful memory they will have of their trip in the big RV with Mimi and Papaw!!!!! Brenner, at 4 1/2, learned how to ride without his training wheels on the trip. Boy, was he excited to show us his new feat when he got home. "Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children." (Prov. 17:6) "Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." (Deut. 7:9) I'm so proud of Parker and Brenner.

Trevor had a blast staying home. He spent two days and one night with one of his best buddies. He had a date just with me, some time just with his daddy, and a date with me and his daddy.....ALL in one week. He certainly doesn't usually get that kind of one-on-one time. I'm so glad he had it!!! Of all my boys, he asks the least of me. I'm a busy mom, and sometimes I forget to take the extra one-on-one time that really ministers to the spirits of my boys. "Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right." (Proverbs 20:11) I'm so proud of Trevor.

I had a blast, too. I had time to organize some of my house and attend some important meetings, time to visit with friends and read part of book, and time to rest. But most importantly, I had time for Trevor.

Thank you, Lord!!

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I read this morning that 'sons will be like olive shoots around your table.' (Ps 128:3). Well, I don't know how fast olive shoots grow, but if its anything like my boys.....look out!!! In the last three months, the boys collectively have grown 2 1/2 inches!!! Trevor grew 1 inch. Brenner grew 3/4 inch. Parker grew 1/2 inch. Spencer grew 1/4 inch. If they keep this up they'll be all grown and out the door in no time!!!.....oh, I miss them already! :)