Thanksgiving

It was three years ago that I really appreciated Thanksgiving for the first time.  That was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  In fact, I had my first appointment with my surgeon the day before Thanksgiving in 2007 and we scheduled my (first) surgery for the following Tuesday.  Has it really only been three years?  It seems like ten years have been added to my life since then.

Prior to that, it was always the time of family and togetherness that I looked forward to the most on Thanksgiving.  Of course, that is still important to me, but now I am just so thankful to be here.

I don't care if the stuffing is just right, or if the turkey is big enough to feed everyone.  Who cares if there are enough pies, or if decaf or caffeinated coffee is being served?  I'm just so thankful to be here. 

Why do we worry about whatever family tension may be a brewing?  We are together.  Can't we be thankful that we are together--whatever that looks like for me....for you. 

I can just see Jesus interceding for us and cheering us on as we come together with family! 
"You can do it!"       "Love your brother."        "Forgive your sister." 
     "Let it (whatever "it" is) go."       "Lay down your pride."      "Hug your mother."       
"Kiss your father."         "Play with your children."       "Engage with your grandparents."

There are so many things we can be thankful for!

Well, Happy Thanksgiving!  And pass the turkey, please!

Casting for Recovery

Mid-Flex........Tippets.....

Clinch Knot.....Dry and Wet Flies.....Caddis......

These words, and many more, were added to my vocabulary over the past weekend in which I attended a retreat for women who have or have had breast cancer.  This was no ordinary weekend.

Fourteen women from all walks of life across the state of Indiana were "randomly" selected from a pool of applicants.  And I was one of them! 

Though it is true that our applications were randomly chosen by human hands, I believe that this particular weekend was meant for each one of us.  I could provide a list of examples that, to me, confirm that God's hand was in this orchestrating every detail; but for the sake of confidentiality, that will have to stay out of this blog entry.  From attendees to program coordinators and from medical professionals to fly-fishing and river helpers, this weekend was truly exceptional. 

Yes, I said FLY FISHING.

This weekend used the beautiful art and rhythm of fly fishing, combined with counseling and medical expertise, to bring each participant one step further in her road to recovery.  It was truly a tapestry of grace, love, compassion, respite, and healing. 

There are a few moments in life when you can walk away from something and know that the hands and feet that served you faithfully and lovingly were extensions of your Lord.  That is what this weekend felt like to me.

A huge thank you goes out to the hundreds of volunteers who make this retreat possible.  An even bigger one goes out to the women and men who made this specific weekend possible.  Thank you so much!

Now that I'm home I see that there are a few more words in my vocabulary whose depth of meaning were expanded because of Casting for Recovery.  Words like......

Compassion......Love......Servant's Heart.

Guidance........Graciousness.......Friendship.

********
Casting for Recovery was founded in 1996 by a professional fly fisher and a reconstructive surgeon.  To find out more, or to tell a breast cancer survivor about this retreat, check out their website by clicking here.
********

I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:1-2

Disappointed, yet Thankful

"God has unstrung my bow and afflicted me." This phrase from Job 30:11 smacked me in the face this week. That is exactly how I felt.

Torn apart. Without purpose. Disfigured once again.

I underwent my DIEP flap bilateral breast reconstruction last Thursday. It started and ended badly. Without sharing the details, the main result is that my body failed to provide my surgeon with the vessels needed to complete a successful transfer of my flaps. So, I awoke from my 9 hour surgery without breasts, with multiple incisions and several drains on my trunk, and subsequently, in a lot of pain. Imprisoned upon my hospital bed for the remainder of the evening, I was at the mercy of a small button that would hopefully summon my nursing angels through the night.

Certainly, during our struggles, there are times when God's presence seems so far away......................"But if I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him." Job 23:8,9.

And yet, He is there................................."But he knows the way that I take...." Job 23:10a.

Most of my days since surgery have been a blur. But one constant, even in the midst of my grumbling and sorrow, has been the ministering ways of God's Holy Spirit........................."Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me?...You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit." Job 10:8,12.

Does God cause all the bad in our life? No, but He allows it. In a fallen world, we are faced with trials and tribulation. We are not exempt. Yet, we have His son sitting at his right hand, interceding for us. His Holy Spirit comforting us............................"Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high. My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend." Job 16:19-21.

No, I do not have breasts. Can I be thankful for that?...................."Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

That's a tough one.

But, yes, I can be thankful in this circumstance, for God has given me a beautiful tummy tuck!!!!

****
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:6-9.

Walk a Mile

I've been thinking on that phrase lately......"If you could walk a mile in someone's shoes...."

Sometimes we see what others are doing around us and we make judgements about their decisions.....good or bad....especially if we have a strong opinion one way and the decision went the other way. I know I'm guilty of it.

I've been thinking on that phrase because we've had a couple of big decisions before us. Decisions that others will have a strong opinion on either way we go. Part of my nature, asks.....What will people think of us.....of our choices? Some may applaud. Some may shake their heads. Some may openly speak their dissatisfaction. Others may encourage. Some may say nothing. So, I suppose I've quietly been preparing myself for all that may come.

The first decision is about homeschooling. Sean and I knew without a doubt that God called us to homeschool each of our boys as they became of schooling age. We were scared about the idea, but pursued it nevertheless; because when God says, "Follow me in this!" you know He's 'got your back.'

So each new school year we've prayerfully considered what the next year will be. So far, we have continued with homeschooling because that is where we felt God led us.

There may be some changes for this upcoming year. Though a final decision has not been made, we are looking into our options for our oldest son who will be entering 7th grade next year. This is the first year where we have felt peace in heading toward the public school system. We are aware of the pro's and con's of both sides. We want our decision to be God-lead and not fear-lead. So we continue to pursue our options. And we pray that God will direct us and the path for Spencer.

The second decision is about reconstruction surgery. I decided last fall that I was ready to pursue reconstruction after my bilateral mastectomies. I had thought that I'd be okay to stay this way forever. A small part of me wonders, "Is it vanity edging its way into my thoughts when I consider this option?"

Is it? Is it vanity? I don't know. Maybe a little. Mostly, I consider it restoration. God has done an incredible work in my life through my breast cancer journey. He has restored unto me the joy of His salvation. I'm thankful He has raised a generation of doctors who can restore the body, too.

But I'd never ask you to walk a mile in my shoes to figure it out. Just pray for me, for my doctors, my nurses, my husband and my children, and my family as we move forward in a few weeks with my surgery.

*********
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Psalm 51:10-12

The Weight Barrier

Maybe you've heard of it. Not the sound barrier. The WEIGHT barrier.

Though I was warned it would happen, I politely smiled and thought, "Nope, it isn't going to happen to me." But, alas, the weight gain that can creep up on cancer survivors, not only crept up on me, it added over 50 pounds.

Well, I've been working very hard to shave off this added weight. For the first two months I focused on my diet which got rid of 15 pounds.

Then came the blood, sweat and tears. For the past two months I've been working out three to five days each week, usually 60 to 90 minutes each time. I've done cardio, weights, core work, pilates, yoga, water aerobics, lap swimming, total body toning workouts, and (my new favorite) ZUMBA!!! It's been grueling, painful, awkward, exhausting, but above all else.....very rewarding.

Many areas of my body are more tone, more flexible, definitely stronger, and more fit. I have more energy and can actually jog up a flight of stairs without passing out at the top!!! Yet, I've been hovering around a certain weight for weeks now. A woman is NOT supposed to talk about her weight, but this barrier has been plaguing me!

Yesterday morning, I FINALLY broke the barrier!!! I'm still far from a healthy weight, but with all the blood, sweat, and tears I've put into it, I just had to share the news.

*******
I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me.
The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. Psalm 118:14

From the Front Burner to the Back

2009 was a difficult year for me. In fact, it seemed a lot tougher than the previous year when I had the majority of my breast cancer treatments. Maybe it was because I expected to bounce back quickly....and I haven't.

Breast cancer has been at the forefront of my mind. A new ache or pain...or one that wouldn't go away and my mind would worry, 'Breast cancer?' Strange signs and symptoms have plagued me throughout the year....unequal pupil sizes, lymphadema, neuropathic pain, depression, insomnia, menopause and all of its unlovely side effects......the list goes on. I didn't chronicle all of these on my blog because it was all I could do at times to endure them, manage them and move on.

Just a few weeks before Christmas I had a series of CT scans to rule out a spread of cancer to my liver and to the lymph nodes in my neck and collarbone area. Praise God, there was 'no sign of metastatic disease.'

But now I'm tired. I'm tired of allowing breast cancer to have such a power over me.....to allow it to stay at the forefront of my mind. It's like a boiling pot of water on the front burner of the stove. You can't forget it's there. You've got to be ever mindful of it. That makes me sad. To think that this 'enemy of my body' has had such control over the rest of my life.

And yet, there is hope. Since my last round of CT scans, I have discovered that the boiling pot of water has been moved to the back burner. In fact, it's not boiling all of the time. And that feels good. It feels light. It feels free.

I'm not sure how long it will take to get breast cancer 'off the stove' entirely. I'm not even sure that it's possible, but I do know that each day gets a little better.

********
I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth.
Psalm 57:9-11

Just Because?

As I stood in the shower, water running over my aching body, I cried. It was the fourth time tears streamed down my face that week, and it was only Tuesday. The tears were not of some impending doom, or of sadness, or from pain. They were overwhelming tears of joy.

How could I not give praise to my Lord!

There I was, far from home, in a beautiful part of the country....the panhandle of Idaho.

There I was, no responsibilities for the day, in a warm and cozy lodge....with the smell of a home cooked breakfast (that I did not have to plan for, buy for, prepare for, cook or serve or clean up) drifting through the beams into my room.

How could I not give praise to my King!

There I was, wondering how in the world this opportunity was given to me. Not by chance. Not by coincidence. And when I thought of all the incredible teachers in this world, I thought....not because I really deserved it. Not really.

Just because a man dreamed a dream of getting the Word of God into the hearts of children and put his visions into action. Just because a little girl dreamed a dream of winning a trip for her family and acted on that dream with her gift of art. Just because another man dreamed a dream and desired to bless another with a trip to Idaho, just as he had already done. And just because that same little girl took the time to think of me........ Just because.

Just because?

Sure, I was aching that morning as the hot water poured down on me. There's bound to be some pain after you ride a horse for the first time in seventeen years. But the tenderness in my legs was a welcomed feeling. It was a reminder that this wasn't just a dream....it was really happening. Right then. Right there.

How can I not sing praise to my Savior and Redeemer!

***********
James Chapter 1 has been my life chapter. How many times I have held onto verses 2-4 during the many battles my family has faced: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." With this trip to Idaho, God showed me that there's more to James Chapter 1 than trials. Verse 17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."
I plan on sharing more on my trip to Idaho. Stay tuned. :)
************

Check out Carey Kinsolving's organization at http://kidstalkaboutgod.org/
Check out Riley's trip at http://houndoghan.blogspot.com/
Check out Cory's ranch at http://www.redhorsemountain.com/

Summer Fun

What an incredibly busy summer it has been at our home!!!

We're certainly making up for our very uneventful summer from last year.......when I was in radiation treatment. That was when sunlight was my nemeses. My arch enemy. My plague. I remember watching the boys swim at my sister's pool while I sat on the deck, wearing my long sleeve sun blocking shirt, holding my umbrella while sitting under the larger deck umbrella. It was good to see the boys enjoying themselves, but I couldn't stand the heat for too long. Most of my days were spent sitting on my shady front porch.

This summer we've had tennis lessons, swimming lessons, VBS, soccer camp, basketball camp, church camp, a couple of camping trips, and plenty of chaos. I'm actually looking forward to the start of school when we have a more structured schedule in place. Of course, if anyone knows me well enough, they know that schedules at my house are not built on solid rock. Though they do give me a good reference point and help me set goals, I'm not bound by them. That can be good.......and that can be bad!

I just want to give God the glory for giving us this summer of fun and for giving me the strength and energy to keep up with my boys. He is good. He is faithful.

Tapioca Pudding

Recently, a hail storm blew over our neck of the woods and left quite an 'impression' on Sean's Buick. So Sean investigated the cost to fix those dents. Calls to our insurance agent, estimates on the work, etc. and so on. Personally, I'm not in any big hurry to fix those dents. Though we have good insurance, there's still a big chunk to pay for the deductible. Sean agreed.....for now.

Then it hit me! Why should we spend all that money fixing dents in a car that works fine, when we could spend that money flattening out the dents on my frame. During my cancer treatment, I spent little time on my body. Now, I see a bunch of dents and bulges that were not there before. There are some that can only be fixed with the touch of a surgeon's hand; but there is certainly something I could do to fix my flabby arms and dent-filled legs!

A couple of friends reminded me of a place nearby that allows summer memberships. It provides 'babysitting' while mom works out, and indoor/outdoor swimming for the family, plus many more opportunities. I might just have to look into it. The cost is about the same as the deductible on our car insurance.

Forget the Buick. It runs fine. You can't even see the dents unless you're really looking for them. My frame is more important! It is time. Time to flatten my tummy, tone up my arms, and pound out those dents in my tapioca-pudding legs!

********

Ahhhhh.....pudding! That was one of the words in the fourth group (of the cognitive study)!!
********

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3

Cognitive Effects Study

On Tuesday I finished up my third and final session for the research study entitled, "Cognitive Effects of Breast Cancer Treatment: A Brain Imaging Study."

In preparation for this post I re-read the Informed Consent Statement that I signed and found an error in the section, "Benefits of Taking Part in the Study." It read....There is no benefit to you from participating in this study. I beg to differ.

So far, I've already thought of several personal benefits in my experience:

• THREE days out of the house in the company of adults.
• Free lunch (if you spend less than 6 dollars).
• An uninterrupted 30 minute nap in the MRI tunnel while listening to music of MY OWN choosing (not that I don't like Adventures in Odyssey or K-Love or Kid's Bible songs).
• Yummy Blueberry Muffins and Apple Juice after the blood draw.
• $150 for each visit. As I left Tuesday morning, I said to Sean..."I'm headed out to do my job for today."
• A feeling of doing something good for others.
• Checking off my exercise for the day.....those tunnels that get you from point A to point B to point C and back go on and on and on and on....
• Getting paid to exercise my brain for the day. For someone like me who likes Sudoku or Ken-Ken or cryptograms, Tuesday's cognitive testing, though challenging, was extremely fun. Let's see if I can still remember those words.......envelope, stapler, glue....lettuce, cabbage, broccoli, celery.....racket, baseball....what was that fourth group????? Ugh???
• Did I mention the $150/visit?

Thanks to Dr. M and Dory (and I suppose Dr. S...though I never met him) for your diligence in your research. Hopefully doctors will better understand the effects of chemotherapy on the brain.

P.S. Dory....It was Mrs. Brown, with a soccer ball, on route 30.......but ONLY after the 9 came after the 1.....which WAS NOT on the list!

********

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13 (Paul writing to the saints in Christ Jesus at Philippi).

Forward Steps

In February, I mentioned that I'd turned a corner and was on my way to finding 'me' again. Unfortunately, the moment was temporary. Though there were glimpses here and there through March and April, it took until the end of May to really feel like I was moving forward again.

Thankfully, I found a new doctor who was not only willing to listen to my concerns with true empathy, but she was also willing to DO something about it. Instead of the rhetorical...'that's too bad'.....'hmm, this normally doesn't happen'..... and 'let's give it some more time'.....this new doctor took initiative and said....'LET'S DO SOMETHING.' Praise God for Dr. K. P.!!!!

I also have had a physical therapist who has been working with me since June. She's not only been an intricate part of my physical healing, but she's also been instrumental in my emotional healing. She's given a listening and empathetic ear and great advice during each of my hour long treatments. Praise God for Barbara!!!

Moving forward feels SOOO good. This summer, instead of looking at the finish line and feeling disappointed in the distance that remains, I will be grateful for each forward step that I can take.

******
"We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing, that He is preparing and fitting us for some extraordinary thing by and by but as we go on in grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, in the present minute. If we have God's say-so behind us, the most amazing strength comes, and we learn to sing in the ordinary days and ways." Taken from June 4 reading of My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers.

Looks Benign....Yay!!!

What a nice pathologist I saw today! She performed the biopsy of the nodule on my thyroid.

She was thorough. She answered all my questions. She explained the procedure in detail. She was as gentle as she could be....though that last sample did hurt. She was even able to make a preliminary assessment that the nodule is not cancerous. She is 95% certain of that. She'll ship off the slides that they made of my cells to be examined more closely and I'll get the final report next week.

Unfortunately, she nicked a blood vessel and left me with a very bruised and swollen neck. She apologized profusely. When I asked if a scarf would cover it up, she said it would, but I should probably use a purple one......

Ice every 2 hours for a few days and eventually the 'strangled' look will go away. Nice. Just in time for Mother's Day.

******
Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck
write them on the tablet of your heart.
Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
Proverbs 3:3-4

Parker's Ponderings and a Prayer Request

Recently I had the incredible opportunity to be a team member for a Women's Discipleship Walk through my church. It was a wonderful time watching God work in the lives of so many women, including my own.

Of course, these opportunities are always surrounded with chaos for me. In this case, Sean's return flight home from an out-of-state work trip didn't land until many hours after I was supposed to be at the campground. Thankfully, I had some help from some friends and family and was able to get each boy 'shipped off' for a sleep over at various locations.

One homeschooling friend was brave enough to take Parker. Miriam has three older children between 6th and 9th grade. So for my seven year old Parker, who flourishes in the company of older kids and adults, it was the perfect place for him to be.

Miriam says she could write a book of all the funny-odd-strange sayings that came out of Parker's mouth on his visit to her house. But for now, she's offered this conversation that took place at the Lego table between Parker and her 8th grade son, Sean:

Parker: Sean, do you have a female?
Sean: Uh? A Lego female figure?
Parker: No, you know...a female.
Sean: Aaaa....
Parker: A female that you're going to marry.
Sean: O-o-o-h-h...no I don't have one yet.

Oh, the funny things that kids say. And for the record, we're considering making Parker wear a T-shirt that reads, "My parents take no responsibility for the things that come out of my mouth!"

*******
A Simple Thank You: I do want to take the opportunity to thank so many who check this site and who continually keep me and my family in prayer. I'm often amazed at the number of people who say that they continue to read this blog, checking in to see what they can pray about for me. Soon, I will try to update more on my current physical, emotional, spiritual state. But for now, I ask for continued prayers for increased strength and stamina, for decreased pain in my right chest wall and right arm, for continued peace when odd symptoms pop up, and for a Christ-like mind and attitude as I walk through this on-going battle to take back my life. I'm having a fine-needle aspiration tomorrow due to a nodule present on the left side of my thyroid. Nodules are common. In fact, I've had this nodule for a couple of years. Many people have them. Over 95-99% of them are benign. But the only way to make sure it's not malignant is to do a biopsy. Given my recent history, the new endocrinologist I'm seeing thinks it's best to be sure. And so I go.......

Great News!!!

Great news!!! My doctor called and said that my tests were good. Yay!!!!

I cried a good cry of relief, called a few of my 'peops', and then took a THREE HOUR NAP!!!

Thank you for all the prayers that were lifted up on my account.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord God Almighty!!!!

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord God Almighty

Not too many words in my mouth today, just a song that keeps repeating itself in my heart. So I'll share it with you. Please sing it with me today, and pray for me. My tests start around 3:00 this afternoon.

Father in heaven, how we love you.
We lift your Name in all the earth.
May your kingdom, be established in our praises,
As your people declare your mighty works.

Blessed be the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is, and is, to come.
Blessed be the Lord God Almighty.
Who reigns forever more.

It can be done!

Sometimes you've just got to praise God.
What's the point in worrying. Right?
Easy to say. Hard to do. But it can be done.

Since my last post, I went to the eye doctor for a check-up and to order some new sunglasses. What was supposed to be an easy appointment, turned into another shocker. My doctor, a friend of the family who knows my recent history with breast cancer, noticed that my right pupil was just a tad bit larger than my left pupil. It could be nothing. Or it could be something.

Sometimes you've just got to praise God.
What's the point in worrying. Right?
Easy to say. Hard to do. But it can be done.

So all of a sudden, I've got an assortment of tests scheduled for next Tuesday afternoon.

Sometimes you've just got to praise God.
What's the point in worrying. Right?
Easy to say. Hard to do. But it can be done.

So, please join me in praising God.
It can be done!

***************
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Psalm 68:19

Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me! Psalm 66:20

May the peoples praise you, O God; may all the peoples praise you. Psalm 67:3

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:27

Need Clarification

Since my last post about my chest X-ray, I received a copy of the report. Oh dear! My analytical mind began to go through each line and word.

I'm a bit baffled by the report. The indication for the test says 'chest pain and shortness of breath.' The final impression says 'no active cardiopulmonary disease.' Of course, I'm very happy to know that there's nothing wrong with my lungs. But chest pain and rib pain are two different things.

Here's my concern. What about the specific areas of rib pain? Only three words were mentioned about my bones in the findings section....'bones appear normal.' That is only slightly comforting to me. I want to know that the radiologist took a good look....a really good look....at those three areas of pain that I have.

From a distance a lot of things 'appear' normal. Even me. But a close look can be quite revealing. :)

So, at the encouragement of my Physical Therapist (wonderful lady!!), I've sent an email to my physiatrist asking for the chest x-ray to be re-read OR for a new x-ray. I've also asked for a more detailed test to rule out any spread of breast cancer. Before we start down the path of 'fixing' my pain, I really need to know what the source of pain is.

Being a pushy, self-advocate isn't what I signed up for, but apparently, it's what I've got to do. So, I appreciate your continued prayers about this, and will update you with what I find out.

Thank you, Barbara, my P.T., for being my voice of reason.

***********
Every prudent man acts out of knowledge....Proverbs 13:16a

Good News

Just wanted to update that my x-ray was normal!!! My ribs and my lungs looked good. Thank you to so many who have prayed with me and for me during these past two days.

It is amazing how many emotions one goes through in the waiting. Thank you, HoneySean, for helping me keep my thoughts captive AND for reminding me that no matter what, our hope is secure. It is an anchor, even when the waves of life feel like they are crashing all around us.

Thank you, Jesus.

No Matter What!

Recently, I've been wondering what the purpose of this blog is and I've come to the conclusion that what it all comes down to is hope and trust. Breast cancer and its treatments are difficult to walk through no matter who you are. But breast cancer isn't the only difficult thing to walk through. So if in some way, big or small, I can encourage someone out there who is walking through a difficult time, big or small, then I've accomplished the purpose of this blog.

Hope is something that every person needs. Of course, my hope is not in my doctors, or my treatments, or the people whom I love and cherish. My hope is in Jesus Christ. My hope tells me that no matter what may come, no matter what I may face, that He will never leave me.

What good is that? It's not just good. It is powerful. It is life changing. It is EVERYTHING!!!

Trust is something that only God can do 100% of the time. Trustworthiness. I trust a lot of people, but even so, those people will let me down from time to time. Not intentionally, of course, but by the sheer fact that they are imperfect human vessels, they will fail me now and then. (Just as I will fail them now and then). But God is 100% trustworthy. His Word provides a list of promises that He will keep, no matter what.

What good is that? It's not just good. It is powerful. It is life changing. It is EVERYTHING!!!!

So, today, I write this blog to encourage myself. To remind myself where my hope rests and to whom I can place my trust.

I had a chest X-ray on Wednesday, and have yet to get the results. I've had some chronic pain in three areas of my right rib cage and I've been experiencing a decline in my pulmonary function (which basically means, I'm getting short of breath with some basic tasks). It could be a number of reasons, and most have nothing to do with breast cancer.

But I wait, I hope, I trust. No matter what.

Turning a Corner

If you've ever been lost (whether literally or figuratively), then you know that awful feeling that can settle in the pit of your belly.

I started this blog with 'A Curve in the Road.' That curve has taken me to many places that I never knew existed before.....places I'd rather not visit again. All of that 'traveling', all of those unwanted experiences, all of those uncertainties. Well, all of 'that' really did get the best of me. Stripped it away and threw it in an alley with unknown coordinates. I've been looking for that 'me' for quite awhile.

Since August of '08, I've been searching....sometimes actively...sometimes passively. Where did I go? Who was this 'she' that I was becoming? Sometimes numb, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes grieving, sometimes apathetic....yet always hoping. Always hoping. Time.... Prayer..... Medication..... Diet..... Exercise....... Waiting..... Changing Medication..... More Time...... More Waiting..... More Prayer....More Exercise. Yet, still plugging away: still waking up each day (though much later than usual); still homeschooling the boys (though it took much longer than usual); still putting one foot in front of the other, still putting in another load of clothes and another load of dishes behind the last. Mentally held up in a cave of hibernation, cloaked in a self-made cocoon. Physically going through the motions. Yet always hoping that I'd eventually find that corner of unknown coordinates where 'the me that I once was' was tossed.

Early February 2009. Is that her? I saw a glimpse. I know I did. Who just loaded the dishwasher without much mental effort? Ugh, if only there was some magic boost to get me up this ladder. God, help me. I don't want to be in this pit anymore, but I don't know how to get out. A phone call. Unexpected. "How are you doing?" was the simple question. And as I shared my desperation, the receiver heard my heart. She heard the yearning of my soul. Led by the Holy Spirit....I know without a doubt....she made arrangements for Merry Maids to come and clean my house.

I had no idea that was what I needed. A clean home....a fresh start. Would this be the impetus needed to boost me up that ladder? Would it work? Had it been one week earlier, I think the answer would have been, "No!" But God's timing is perfect. Just perfect. And yes, through the kindness and insight of a friend, He did boost me back up that ladder. He did lead me around the corner and I found familiarity. I found her.....I found me.

I was beginning to think she didn't exist anymore. Maybe she doesn't, not entirely. Maybe the better parts of her were spared, and maybe the weaker parts of her were refined. She may not be who she was, but she's ready to move forward again. She's turned the corner and found herself once more. Always cradled in the sheltering wings of her Lord and Savior. Always loved and adored by her Creator. She just had to believe it again. To know it was true. She is blessed.......

I am blessed.

*******
But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:16-18