"God has unstrung my bow and afflicted me." This phrase from Job 30:11 smacked me in the face this week. That is exactly how I felt.
Torn apart. Without purpose. Disfigured once again.
I underwent my DIEP flap bilateral breast reconstruction last Thursday. It started and ended badly. Without sharing the details, the main result is that my body failed to provide my surgeon with the vessels needed to complete a successful transfer of my flaps. So, I awoke from my 9 hour surgery without breasts, with multiple incisions and several drains on my trunk, and subsequently, in a lot of pain. Imprisoned upon my hospital bed for the remainder of the evening, I was at the mercy of a small button that would hopefully summon my nursing angels through the night.
Certainly, during our struggles, there are times when God's presence seems so far away......................"But if I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him." Job 23:8,9.
And yet, He is there................................."But he knows the way that I take...." Job 23:10a.
Most of my days since surgery have been a blur. But one constant, even in the midst of my grumbling and sorrow, has been the ministering ways of God's Holy Spirit........................."Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me?...You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit." Job 10:8,12.
Does God cause all the bad in our life? No, but He allows it. In a fallen world, we are faced with trials and tribulation. We are not exempt. Yet, we have His son sitting at his right hand, interceding for us. His Holy Spirit comforting us............................"Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high. My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend." Job 16:19-21.
No, I do not have breasts. Can I be thankful for that?...................."Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.
That's a tough one.
But, yes, I can be thankful in this circumstance, for God has given me a beautiful tummy tuck!!!!
****
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:6-9.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Walk a Mile
I've been thinking on that phrase lately......"If you could walk a mile in someone's shoes...."
Sometimes we see what others are doing around us and we make judgements about their decisions.....good or bad....especially if we have a strong opinion one way and the decision went the other way. I know I'm guilty of it.
I've been thinking on that phrase because we've had a couple of big decisions before us. Decisions that others will have a strong opinion on either way we go. Part of my nature, asks.....What will people think of us.....of our choices? Some may applaud. Some may shake their heads. Some may openly speak their dissatisfaction. Others may encourage. Some may say nothing. So, I suppose I've quietly been preparing myself for all that may come.
The first decision is about homeschooling. Sean and I knew without a doubt that God called us to homeschool each of our boys as they became of schooling age. We were scared about the idea, but pursued it nevertheless; because when God says, "Follow me in this!" you know He's 'got your back.'
So each new school year we've prayerfully considered what the next year will be. So far, we have continued with homeschooling because that is where we felt God led us.
There may be some changes for this upcoming year. Though a final decision has not been made, we are looking into our options for our oldest son who will be entering 7th grade next year. This is the first year where we have felt peace in heading toward the public school system. We are aware of the pro's and con's of both sides. We want our decision to be God-lead and not fear-lead. So we continue to pursue our options. And we pray that God will direct us and the path for Spencer.
The second decision is about reconstruction surgery. I decided last fall that I was ready to pursue reconstruction after my bilateral mastectomies. I had thought that I'd be okay to stay this way forever. A small part of me wonders, "Is it vanity edging its way into my thoughts when I consider this option?"
Is it? Is it vanity? I don't know. Maybe a little. Mostly, I consider it restoration. God has done an incredible work in my life through my breast cancer journey. He has restored unto me the joy of His salvation. I'm thankful He has raised a generation of doctors who can restore the body, too.
But I'd never ask you to walk a mile in my shoes to figure it out. Just pray for me, for my doctors, my nurses, my husband and my children, and my family as we move forward in a few weeks with my surgery.
*********
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Psalm 51:10-12
Sometimes we see what others are doing around us and we make judgements about their decisions.....good or bad....especially if we have a strong opinion one way and the decision went the other way. I know I'm guilty of it.
I've been thinking on that phrase because we've had a couple of big decisions before us. Decisions that others will have a strong opinion on either way we go. Part of my nature, asks.....What will people think of us.....of our choices? Some may applaud. Some may shake their heads. Some may openly speak their dissatisfaction. Others may encourage. Some may say nothing. So, I suppose I've quietly been preparing myself for all that may come.
The first decision is about homeschooling. Sean and I knew without a doubt that God called us to homeschool each of our boys as they became of schooling age. We were scared about the idea, but pursued it nevertheless; because when God says, "Follow me in this!" you know He's 'got your back.'
So each new school year we've prayerfully considered what the next year will be. So far, we have continued with homeschooling because that is where we felt God led us.
There may be some changes for this upcoming year. Though a final decision has not been made, we are looking into our options for our oldest son who will be entering 7th grade next year. This is the first year where we have felt peace in heading toward the public school system. We are aware of the pro's and con's of both sides. We want our decision to be God-lead and not fear-lead. So we continue to pursue our options. And we pray that God will direct us and the path for Spencer.
The second decision is about reconstruction surgery. I decided last fall that I was ready to pursue reconstruction after my bilateral mastectomies. I had thought that I'd be okay to stay this way forever. A small part of me wonders, "Is it vanity edging its way into my thoughts when I consider this option?"
Is it? Is it vanity? I don't know. Maybe a little. Mostly, I consider it restoration. God has done an incredible work in my life through my breast cancer journey. He has restored unto me the joy of His salvation. I'm thankful He has raised a generation of doctors who can restore the body, too.
But I'd never ask you to walk a mile in my shoes to figure it out. Just pray for me, for my doctors, my nurses, my husband and my children, and my family as we move forward in a few weeks with my surgery.
*********
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Psalm 51:10-12
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