Turning a Corner

If you've ever been lost (whether literally or figuratively), then you know that awful feeling that can settle in the pit of your belly.

I started this blog with 'A Curve in the Road.' That curve has taken me to many places that I never knew existed before.....places I'd rather not visit again. All of that 'traveling', all of those unwanted experiences, all of those uncertainties. Well, all of 'that' really did get the best of me. Stripped it away and threw it in an alley with unknown coordinates. I've been looking for that 'me' for quite awhile.

Since August of '08, I've been searching....sometimes actively...sometimes passively. Where did I go? Who was this 'she' that I was becoming? Sometimes numb, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes grieving, sometimes apathetic....yet always hoping. Always hoping. Time.... Prayer..... Medication..... Diet..... Exercise....... Waiting..... Changing Medication..... More Time...... More Waiting..... More Prayer....More Exercise. Yet, still plugging away: still waking up each day (though much later than usual); still homeschooling the boys (though it took much longer than usual); still putting one foot in front of the other, still putting in another load of clothes and another load of dishes behind the last. Mentally held up in a cave of hibernation, cloaked in a self-made cocoon. Physically going through the motions. Yet always hoping that I'd eventually find that corner of unknown coordinates where 'the me that I once was' was tossed.

Early February 2009. Is that her? I saw a glimpse. I know I did. Who just loaded the dishwasher without much mental effort? Ugh, if only there was some magic boost to get me up this ladder. God, help me. I don't want to be in this pit anymore, but I don't know how to get out. A phone call. Unexpected. "How are you doing?" was the simple question. And as I shared my desperation, the receiver heard my heart. She heard the yearning of my soul. Led by the Holy Spirit....I know without a doubt....she made arrangements for Merry Maids to come and clean my house.

I had no idea that was what I needed. A clean home....a fresh start. Would this be the impetus needed to boost me up that ladder? Would it work? Had it been one week earlier, I think the answer would have been, "No!" But God's timing is perfect. Just perfect. And yes, through the kindness and insight of a friend, He did boost me back up that ladder. He did lead me around the corner and I found familiarity. I found her.....I found me.

I was beginning to think she didn't exist anymore. Maybe she doesn't, not entirely. Maybe the better parts of her were spared, and maybe the weaker parts of her were refined. She may not be who she was, but she's ready to move forward again. She's turned the corner and found herself once more. Always cradled in the sheltering wings of her Lord and Savior. Always loved and adored by her Creator. She just had to believe it again. To know it was true. She is blessed.......

I am blessed.

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But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Grieving the Me that I Once Was

During treatment, my focus was two-fold: get through it and make sure that my kids' lives were as normal as possible.

Then, treatment ended. One would think that the end of treatment would be like a breath of fresh air. So, why don't I have that minty fresh breath feeling? (a little humor never hurts!) What is this sorrowful feeling that consumes me? I think I am grieving.

I'm grieving the time lost in the past year.
I'm grieving those parts of me that I have lost....forever.
I'm grieving the loss of who I once was.

Grieving has it's place. I never allowed myself that process in the midst of my treatment. So, I must walk through it now, in order to be whole again. So rather than rushing to get through it and being only partially whole, I think I will linger a bit longer.

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There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to serch and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A song I remember from my childhood (taken partially from Acts 17:28):
In Him we live and move and have our being.
Make a joyful noise. Sing unto the Lord. Tell Him of your love. Dance before Him.
Hallelujah!