2009 was a difficult year for me. In fact, it seemed a lot tougher than the previous year when I had the majority of my breast cancer treatments. Maybe it was because I expected to bounce back quickly....and I haven't.
Breast cancer has been at the forefront of my mind. A new ache or pain...or one that wouldn't go away and my mind would worry, 'Breast cancer?' Strange signs and symptoms have plagued me throughout the year....unequal pupil sizes, lymphadema, neuropathic pain, depression, insomnia, menopause and all of its unlovely side effects......the list goes on. I didn't chronicle all of these on my blog because it was all I could do at times to endure them, manage them and move on.
Just a few weeks before Christmas I had a series of CT scans to rule out a spread of cancer to my liver and to the lymph nodes in my neck and collarbone area. Praise God, there was 'no sign of metastatic disease.'
But now I'm tired. I'm tired of allowing breast cancer to have such a power over me.....to allow it to stay at the forefront of my mind. It's like a boiling pot of water on the front burner of the stove. You can't forget it's there. You've got to be ever mindful of it. That makes me sad. To think that this 'enemy of my body' has had such control over the rest of my life.
And yet, there is hope. Since my last round of CT scans, I have discovered that the boiling pot of water has been moved to the back burner. In fact, it's not boiling all of the time. And that feels good. It feels light. It feels free.
I'm not sure how long it will take to get breast cancer 'off the stove' entirely. I'm not even sure that it's possible, but I do know that each day gets a little better.
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I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth.
Psalm 57:9-11
3 comments:
I hope 2010 is a great year for you and your family. I love you friend!
What a wonderful post. I'm SO glad that the pot has lost its obvious position in your life. I know it's been hard. You've been through so much. You have been faithful and God has been faithful to you. You have encouraged and inspired many who know and love you. I hope that hot water gets thrown out into the freezing cold night never to be seen again!!
Michelle, you have been so much. Not many of us think about what life must be like after cancer for survivors and their families. Of course, it will be on your mind, but now you have a deeper walk with the Lord who has seen you through every step of the way. I pray that 2010 is a year of renewal, refreshment and much fruit bearing from these past years of pruning. Love you, friend!
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