Casting for Recovery

Mid-Flex........Tippets.....

Clinch Knot.....Dry and Wet Flies.....Caddis......

These words, and many more, were added to my vocabulary over the past weekend in which I attended a retreat for women who have or have had breast cancer.  This was no ordinary weekend.

Fourteen women from all walks of life across the state of Indiana were "randomly" selected from a pool of applicants.  And I was one of them! 

Though it is true that our applications were randomly chosen by human hands, I believe that this particular weekend was meant for each one of us.  I could provide a list of examples that, to me, confirm that God's hand was in this orchestrating every detail; but for the sake of confidentiality, that will have to stay out of this blog entry.  From attendees to program coordinators and from medical professionals to fly-fishing and river helpers, this weekend was truly exceptional. 

Yes, I said FLY FISHING.

This weekend used the beautiful art and rhythm of fly fishing, combined with counseling and medical expertise, to bring each participant one step further in her road to recovery.  It was truly a tapestry of grace, love, compassion, respite, and healing. 

There are a few moments in life when you can walk away from something and know that the hands and feet that served you faithfully and lovingly were extensions of your Lord.  That is what this weekend felt like to me.

A huge thank you goes out to the hundreds of volunteers who make this retreat possible.  An even bigger one goes out to the women and men who made this specific weekend possible.  Thank you so much!

Now that I'm home I see that there are a few more words in my vocabulary whose depth of meaning were expanded because of Casting for Recovery.  Words like......

Compassion......Love......Servant's Heart.

Guidance........Graciousness.......Friendship.

********
Casting for Recovery was founded in 1996 by a professional fly fisher and a reconstructive surgeon.  To find out more, or to tell a breast cancer survivor about this retreat, check out their website by clicking here.
********

I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:1-2

For Mrs. H

A dear friend sends me emails from time to time, encouraging me to write new posts on my blog when it's been dormant for awhile. So, this one is for you, Mr. H.....and for Mrs. H, your wife of noble character who is worth far more than rubies. (Proverbs 31:10)

I recently picked up a trilogy that I had read in college. It is about God's unrelenting pursuit after the heart of man. As the trilogy unfolds, the reader begins to grasp the power in the threefold nature of God's forgiveness. For we are called to forgive others, we are called to forgive ourselves, and we are called to receive God's forgiveness. It is through this forgiveness that we allow God's healing to wash over us. (I'm referring to the healing of our spirit man).

The authors weave a tapestry of scripture and faith throughout the pages to remind the readers that "God's way is often beyond man's understanding" and "God's plan for reconciliation is never exhausted." The depth and richness of the story meant so much to me over twenty years ago when I first read it, that I've never been able to part with it.

In the introduction of the last book are these words:

"Life is not lived without heartbreak, loss and tragedy; such is the human condition. As Job said, 'Man is born to trouble.'

But a person's moments on earth are merely a flicker. The joys and miseries of circumstances ultimately fade into nothingness, and all that remains is the character one carries from this life into the next. The physical world provides the training ground for the deeper life as we learn to respond to the God who made us. Temporal loss can be the price of timeless gain."

Having battled through two of the toughest years of my life.....Seeing loved ones struggle through some difficult situations.....Realizing that no one is immune to the heartbreak, loss and tragedy of life....The above words in italics bring me comfort....on so very many levels.

May each of us learn to respond more intimately to the God who made us. May we set our minds on things above.

****************
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

Disappointed, yet Thankful

"God has unstrung my bow and afflicted me." This phrase from Job 30:11 smacked me in the face this week. That is exactly how I felt.

Torn apart. Without purpose. Disfigured once again.

I underwent my DIEP flap bilateral breast reconstruction last Thursday. It started and ended badly. Without sharing the details, the main result is that my body failed to provide my surgeon with the vessels needed to complete a successful transfer of my flaps. So, I awoke from my 9 hour surgery without breasts, with multiple incisions and several drains on my trunk, and subsequently, in a lot of pain. Imprisoned upon my hospital bed for the remainder of the evening, I was at the mercy of a small button that would hopefully summon my nursing angels through the night.

Certainly, during our struggles, there are times when God's presence seems so far away......................"But if I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him." Job 23:8,9.

And yet, He is there................................."But he knows the way that I take...." Job 23:10a.

Most of my days since surgery have been a blur. But one constant, even in the midst of my grumbling and sorrow, has been the ministering ways of God's Holy Spirit........................."Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me?...You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit." Job 10:8,12.

Does God cause all the bad in our life? No, but He allows it. In a fallen world, we are faced with trials and tribulation. We are not exempt. Yet, we have His son sitting at his right hand, interceding for us. His Holy Spirit comforting us............................"Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high. My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend." Job 16:19-21.

No, I do not have breasts. Can I be thankful for that?...................."Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

That's a tough one.

But, yes, I can be thankful in this circumstance, for God has given me a beautiful tummy tuck!!!!

****
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:6-9.

Stop By

Today and tomorrow are the big days for the garage sale. So, here are some reasons why I think you should stop by:

• What a great way to help two boys who are awaiting their forever family. (As of early this morning, Tif and Tom are officially the parents of these precious boys!!!)
• We have had donations from so many people, even some who have never met Tif and Tom but felt compelled to reach out and bless them!!!
• Homemade Cookies!!!
• Tillie's Famous Chili Dogs!!! From what I hear, you will not be disappointed.

Well, considering I have to be up in five hours to start today, I better get some sleep. I'm just so excited. I can't wait to see what God will do!!!

Happy Loving Day!

Last week my six year old stood beside our school room table with his arms behind his back. He asked, "Mommy, when is Happy Loving Day?"

"Happy what?"

"Happy Loving Day?"

It took me a moment to realize he meant Valentine's Day. "Oh, that's coming up very soon."

"Here, Mommy." He handed me a sweet handmade Valentine: a red heart pasted on white paper which said I love my mom, from Brenner. Then he gave me a great big bear hug.

Ah.....I hang onto moments like that, because it wasn't but a few days before, that this same boy was yelling.........

"I DON'T LIKE YOU, MOMMY!!! I WISH I DIDN'T LIVE IN THIS HOUSE!!!"

I've never before had one of my children say those words to me, except this one. And unfortunately, it is a pattern for him.

I was prepared for this, though I was sure it would NEVER happen to me. I mean really, why would a child whom I carried for 38 weeks, cared for with all of my heart, cherished with all of my soul....why would my child ever dream of saying anything like that!

A few years ago, a couple of ladies at church had a class based on the book, "Discovering Your Child's DQ Quotient." It's a personality book that does a good job of describing four personality types (with the understanding that there's always overlap and no one person is exactly like another). The four groups were appropriately labeled by animals: the bear, the porcupine, the monkey, and the lamb.

The monkey was described, among other positive things, as the child who may choose to use his words to hurt others. This was the child that would be more prone to name calling and saying things that could break a mother's heart. Though I knew Brenner was my little monkey, I was sure that this particular behavior would never arise.....until that dreadful day several months ago when the first words, "I HATE YOU!!" came from his lips. Thankfully, we've nipped those hateful words from his vocabulary, but he still has his moments....typically after he doesn't get what he wants, or he's disciplined for bad behavior. That's when the "I don't like you" or "I wish I didn't live in this house" comments arise.

So, though I was prepared that something like this could happen.....I lived in denial that it actually would happen.....and.....it happened. And I was not prepared for the hurt my heart would feel from it.

So, I keep my little Brenner's Valentine next to my homeschool desk to remind myself that it is my job to love this boy no matter what he says, no matter what he does, no matter how I feel in the moment.

I wonder, is that what God does? Does He hold onto the thanksgiving, praise, and adoration that I give him when things are going well in my life.....to remind Him that it is His job to love me no matter what I say and no matter what I do when I fail Him? No, God loves me in spite of what I say and in spite of what I do. But still, each one of my failings has caused Him pain. Pain that He suffered through His son, Jesus Christ.

So instead of a handmade Valentine sitting next to His desk, God has His resurrected Son sitting at the right hand of His throne. And His Son is daily interceding for me.....He is daily interceding for you......He is daily interceding for my son.....He is daily interceding for us.

Now that's love.

Happy Loving Day!

**********

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. Eph. 1:17-21

But because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them. Hebrews 7:24,25

The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. Romans 8:26-27.

Just Because?

As I stood in the shower, water running over my aching body, I cried. It was the fourth time tears streamed down my face that week, and it was only Tuesday. The tears were not of some impending doom, or of sadness, or from pain. They were overwhelming tears of joy.

How could I not give praise to my Lord!

There I was, far from home, in a beautiful part of the country....the panhandle of Idaho.

There I was, no responsibilities for the day, in a warm and cozy lodge....with the smell of a home cooked breakfast (that I did not have to plan for, buy for, prepare for, cook or serve or clean up) drifting through the beams into my room.

How could I not give praise to my King!

There I was, wondering how in the world this opportunity was given to me. Not by chance. Not by coincidence. And when I thought of all the incredible teachers in this world, I thought....not because I really deserved it. Not really.

Just because a man dreamed a dream of getting the Word of God into the hearts of children and put his visions into action. Just because a little girl dreamed a dream of winning a trip for her family and acted on that dream with her gift of art. Just because another man dreamed a dream and desired to bless another with a trip to Idaho, just as he had already done. And just because that same little girl took the time to think of me........ Just because.

Just because?

Sure, I was aching that morning as the hot water poured down on me. There's bound to be some pain after you ride a horse for the first time in seventeen years. But the tenderness in my legs was a welcomed feeling. It was a reminder that this wasn't just a dream....it was really happening. Right then. Right there.

How can I not sing praise to my Savior and Redeemer!

***********
James Chapter 1 has been my life chapter. How many times I have held onto verses 2-4 during the many battles my family has faced: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." With this trip to Idaho, God showed me that there's more to James Chapter 1 than trials. Verse 17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."
I plan on sharing more on my trip to Idaho. Stay tuned. :)
************

Check out Carey Kinsolving's organization at http://kidstalkaboutgod.org/
Check out Riley's trip at http://houndoghan.blogspot.com/
Check out Cory's ranch at http://www.redhorsemountain.com/

Tickle Our Ears

What a beautiful, refreshing rainy day we've had! I love rainy days.

This afternoon, the boys put on their swim trunks and shirts and played in the steady, gentle rain. Most of their time was spent in the creek moving rocks and building dams for their captured crawdad and minnows.

It's a beautiful picture to me....not the crawdads and minnows :).....but watching the boys playing so contently in the rain. After awhile they were nearly oblivious to the presence of the very thing that drew them outside in the first place....except, of course, when an unexpected drop tickled their ears.

The Holy Spirit is like that. He draws us out into some kind of 'work' or 'play' or 'ministry' and provides a beautiful, refreshing, steady presence in our lives. But, then we can get so busy at 'it', that we forget about His presence after awhile.....until His still small voice tickles our ears.

Tickle our ears today, Holy Spirit. Open our eyes. Let your Presence rain down.

*******
"I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days." Joel 2:28,29 and Acts 2:17,18

"But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you. All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will take from what is mine and make it known to you." (Jesus speaking to his disciples at the Last Supper). John 15:13-15.

Forward Steps

In February, I mentioned that I'd turned a corner and was on my way to finding 'me' again. Unfortunately, the moment was temporary. Though there were glimpses here and there through March and April, it took until the end of May to really feel like I was moving forward again.

Thankfully, I found a new doctor who was not only willing to listen to my concerns with true empathy, but she was also willing to DO something about it. Instead of the rhetorical...'that's too bad'.....'hmm, this normally doesn't happen'..... and 'let's give it some more time'.....this new doctor took initiative and said....'LET'S DO SOMETHING.' Praise God for Dr. K. P.!!!!

I also have had a physical therapist who has been working with me since June. She's not only been an intricate part of my physical healing, but she's also been instrumental in my emotional healing. She's given a listening and empathetic ear and great advice during each of my hour long treatments. Praise God for Barbara!!!

Moving forward feels SOOO good. This summer, instead of looking at the finish line and feeling disappointed in the distance that remains, I will be grateful for each forward step that I can take.

******
"We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing, that He is preparing and fitting us for some extraordinary thing by and by but as we go on in grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, in the present minute. If we have God's say-so behind us, the most amazing strength comes, and we learn to sing in the ordinary days and ways." Taken from June 4 reading of My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers.

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord God Almighty

Not too many words in my mouth today, just a song that keeps repeating itself in my heart. So I'll share it with you. Please sing it with me today, and pray for me. My tests start around 3:00 this afternoon.

Father in heaven, how we love you.
We lift your Name in all the earth.
May your kingdom, be established in our praises,
As your people declare your mighty works.

Blessed be the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is, and is, to come.
Blessed be the Lord God Almighty.
Who reigns forever more.

The Heart of a Child

Yesterday, my third son came to 'big' church, motivated by the fact that the ushers pass out little packets containing coloring pages and crayons to the children. I didn't mind his motive; I was just glad he wanted to be there. I grew up going to 'big' church. It's good for kids to worship with their parents and to hear the message that God has laid on the head pastor's heart.

Half way through worship, Parker noticed that Mimi and Papa were just across the aisle. So when Pastor encouraged everyone to 'shake hands with your neighbor and welcome them into the House of the Lord,' Parker made a bee-line to his grandparents and ended up sitting with them during the service.

Near the end, an offering was taken for the guest worship leader. When the usher came to Parker's row, Parker got up and gave the usher a big hug and then sat down. After services, we asked him why he did that. Here is his reply:

"Well, I didn't have any money to put in the offering and I wanted to give him something."

Doesn't that just melt your heart. The heart of a child.

Imagine if in that moment of giving, the heart of the child had been overlooked or reprimanded........"Sit down, Parker!"

Imagine if in that moment, the usher had not reciprocated.

We can squelch the working of the Holy Spirit in our children's lives without realizing it. I'm so glad that Mimi and Papa let Parker give the usher his hug filled with love, filled with giving, filled with self-sacrifice. It was a precious moment that this mama will never forget.

**********
As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. "I tell you the truth," he said, "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on." Luke 21:1-4

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

It can be done!

Sometimes you've just got to praise God.
What's the point in worrying. Right?
Easy to say. Hard to do. But it can be done.

Since my last post, I went to the eye doctor for a check-up and to order some new sunglasses. What was supposed to be an easy appointment, turned into another shocker. My doctor, a friend of the family who knows my recent history with breast cancer, noticed that my right pupil was just a tad bit larger than my left pupil. It could be nothing. Or it could be something.

Sometimes you've just got to praise God.
What's the point in worrying. Right?
Easy to say. Hard to do. But it can be done.

So all of a sudden, I've got an assortment of tests scheduled for next Tuesday afternoon.

Sometimes you've just got to praise God.
What's the point in worrying. Right?
Easy to say. Hard to do. But it can be done.

So, please join me in praising God.
It can be done!

***************
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Psalm 68:19

Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me! Psalm 66:20

May the peoples praise you, O God; may all the peoples praise you. Psalm 67:3

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:27

Good News

Just wanted to update that my x-ray was normal!!! My ribs and my lungs looked good. Thank you to so many who have prayed with me and for me during these past two days.

It is amazing how many emotions one goes through in the waiting. Thank you, HoneySean, for helping me keep my thoughts captive AND for reminding me that no matter what, our hope is secure. It is an anchor, even when the waves of life feel like they are crashing all around us.

Thank you, Jesus.

No Matter What!

Recently, I've been wondering what the purpose of this blog is and I've come to the conclusion that what it all comes down to is hope and trust. Breast cancer and its treatments are difficult to walk through no matter who you are. But breast cancer isn't the only difficult thing to walk through. So if in some way, big or small, I can encourage someone out there who is walking through a difficult time, big or small, then I've accomplished the purpose of this blog.

Hope is something that every person needs. Of course, my hope is not in my doctors, or my treatments, or the people whom I love and cherish. My hope is in Jesus Christ. My hope tells me that no matter what may come, no matter what I may face, that He will never leave me.

What good is that? It's not just good. It is powerful. It is life changing. It is EVERYTHING!!!

Trust is something that only God can do 100% of the time. Trustworthiness. I trust a lot of people, but even so, those people will let me down from time to time. Not intentionally, of course, but by the sheer fact that they are imperfect human vessels, they will fail me now and then. (Just as I will fail them now and then). But God is 100% trustworthy. His Word provides a list of promises that He will keep, no matter what.

What good is that? It's not just good. It is powerful. It is life changing. It is EVERYTHING!!!!

So, today, I write this blog to encourage myself. To remind myself where my hope rests and to whom I can place my trust.

I had a chest X-ray on Wednesday, and have yet to get the results. I've had some chronic pain in three areas of my right rib cage and I've been experiencing a decline in my pulmonary function (which basically means, I'm getting short of breath with some basic tasks). It could be a number of reasons, and most have nothing to do with breast cancer.

But I wait, I hope, I trust. No matter what.

Turning a Corner

If you've ever been lost (whether literally or figuratively), then you know that awful feeling that can settle in the pit of your belly.

I started this blog with 'A Curve in the Road.' That curve has taken me to many places that I never knew existed before.....places I'd rather not visit again. All of that 'traveling', all of those unwanted experiences, all of those uncertainties. Well, all of 'that' really did get the best of me. Stripped it away and threw it in an alley with unknown coordinates. I've been looking for that 'me' for quite awhile.

Since August of '08, I've been searching....sometimes actively...sometimes passively. Where did I go? Who was this 'she' that I was becoming? Sometimes numb, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes grieving, sometimes apathetic....yet always hoping. Always hoping. Time.... Prayer..... Medication..... Diet..... Exercise....... Waiting..... Changing Medication..... More Time...... More Waiting..... More Prayer....More Exercise. Yet, still plugging away: still waking up each day (though much later than usual); still homeschooling the boys (though it took much longer than usual); still putting one foot in front of the other, still putting in another load of clothes and another load of dishes behind the last. Mentally held up in a cave of hibernation, cloaked in a self-made cocoon. Physically going through the motions. Yet always hoping that I'd eventually find that corner of unknown coordinates where 'the me that I once was' was tossed.

Early February 2009. Is that her? I saw a glimpse. I know I did. Who just loaded the dishwasher without much mental effort? Ugh, if only there was some magic boost to get me up this ladder. God, help me. I don't want to be in this pit anymore, but I don't know how to get out. A phone call. Unexpected. "How are you doing?" was the simple question. And as I shared my desperation, the receiver heard my heart. She heard the yearning of my soul. Led by the Holy Spirit....I know without a doubt....she made arrangements for Merry Maids to come and clean my house.

I had no idea that was what I needed. A clean home....a fresh start. Would this be the impetus needed to boost me up that ladder? Would it work? Had it been one week earlier, I think the answer would have been, "No!" But God's timing is perfect. Just perfect. And yes, through the kindness and insight of a friend, He did boost me back up that ladder. He did lead me around the corner and I found familiarity. I found her.....I found me.

I was beginning to think she didn't exist anymore. Maybe she doesn't, not entirely. Maybe the better parts of her were spared, and maybe the weaker parts of her were refined. She may not be who she was, but she's ready to move forward again. She's turned the corner and found herself once more. Always cradled in the sheltering wings of her Lord and Savior. Always loved and adored by her Creator. She just had to believe it again. To know it was true. She is blessed.......

I am blessed.

*******
But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Grieving the Me that I Once Was

During treatment, my focus was two-fold: get through it and make sure that my kids' lives were as normal as possible.

Then, treatment ended. One would think that the end of treatment would be like a breath of fresh air. So, why don't I have that minty fresh breath feeling? (a little humor never hurts!) What is this sorrowful feeling that consumes me? I think I am grieving.

I'm grieving the time lost in the past year.
I'm grieving those parts of me that I have lost....forever.
I'm grieving the loss of who I once was.

Grieving has it's place. I never allowed myself that process in the midst of my treatment. So, I must walk through it now, in order to be whole again. So rather than rushing to get through it and being only partially whole, I think I will linger a bit longer.

*******
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to serch and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A song I remember from my childhood (taken partially from Acts 17:28):
In Him we live and move and have our being.
Make a joyful noise. Sing unto the Lord. Tell Him of your love. Dance before Him.
Hallelujah!

I'm D-U-N....Done!!!

I received the best Christmas present ever on Tuesday of this week:

MY LAST HERCEPTIN TREATMENT!!!!!

Hip-Hip.......Hooray!!!!
Hip-Hip.......Hooray!!!!
Hip-Hip.......Hooray!!!!
*********

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.

to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.
who made the great lights-
His love endures forever.
the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.
the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.......

to the One who remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.
and freed us from our enemies,
His love endures forever.
and who gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.

Psalm 136:1-9,23-26

More than Watchmen Wait

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy......
Psalm 130:1,2

I've been crying out loud to my Lord and he has been regenerating my soul.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
Psalm 130: 5,6

I wonder what it is like to be a watchmen waiting for the morning. The writer of this psalm thought it was important enough to mention it twice. So it must have some significance. At pre-dawn, he must feel tired, anxious, and weary after his constant vigil through the night. But what are his feelings toward the coming rays of light? I think he would be hopeful....he would be anticipating the new day.....Why? Is it because the new day would bring rest from his work?

I am tired, anxious and weary from my constant vigil as I continue with my treatments. I've put my hope in God, but not fully. Some of my hope has been in my 'work'---my research, good news, and my good days.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will rest from my 'work.' Sure, there will still be schooling and laundry and dishes and cleaning. That is not the rest I need. I will allow my soul to wait for the Lord. I will put my hope in his Word. I will be anxious for nothing, but in all things, through prayer and petition, will present my requests to God. In doing so, His peace will transcend all understanding and will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

Tomorrow, in the midst of 6 times 8 equals 48 and /b/ says 'bu'......in the never ending cycle of dirty clothes and dishes.........and in the entropy that pervades my home.......Tomorrow, my soul will be still and know that God is God.

O 'Michelle,' put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
Psalm 130:7 (personalized by substituting my name for Israel)

He is Our Help

Talking about finances is not something I like to mention on this blog. But I must share the goodness of my God and how he has provided for our family in this area during this year.

The diagnosis of cancer can affect much more than the body. It certainly has the potential to affect the pocketbook. Yet, I am once again reminded that God is our provider.....in all things.

At the beginning of this year, anticipating the extra expenses and the decrease in income, we readjusted our mortgage so that our property taxes were no longer included in the monthly payment. That certainly helped get us through the many months that I was not working. But of course, November was approaching. That's when the property taxes were due....and we owe on two properties (which is another long story). Every time we set aside money for that payment, a new medical expense would come through and deplete our savings.

My mom and dad gave us an unexpected monetary gift in the spring. That helped pay for many of the expenses that we had been putting on our VISA and lifted a heavy load.

Sean has great insurance through his company. I praise God for that provision. But even with his insurance, our out-of-pocket expenses have been hefty. For the most part, we have been able to stay on top of them. How? Well, by God's provision, of course. Sean had submitted a resume months ago for an adjunct teacher's position at a local technical college. He was surprised to get a call just a couple of weeks before the fall session started. Within days, he taught a mock class in front of the administrators of the school and was offered the teaching job. In fact, they asked him to teach the same class in two of their locations. Of course, this did not get in the way of Sean's day job! He has worked diligently and been able to work his regular job AND teach two classes each week! God has been so good to work this out for him.....for us. It's been a sacrifice on all of us, but through his second job, we have been able to keep up with most of the medical bills that have come through.....but we still haven't been able to put anything back for those pesky property taxes.

How did God provide for those? Well, he sent the Sweet Melissa Foundation. Two weeks ago, Sweet Melissa came to our house with a check for $3000. WOW!!! That's really all I can say.....WOW!!! We were so humbled and appreciative of this gift for we know that it took many hands many hours to put it all together.....and even more hands and more generous hearts to bring it to fruition. WOW!!!

We did all that we could do to get through this tough year......but all we could do was not enough. It was God who orchestrated everything and took care of us. He provided us the opportunity to re-finance at the beginning of the year, He provided through my Mom and Dad, He provided through Sean's teaching job, and He provided through the Sweet Melissa Foundation. He has provided in soooooooooo many other ways. I give Him the glory and I say, "Thank You, Lord!"

***********
We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20-22

What's in a Name?

This weekend I was blessed to take part in a baby shower for my cousin, Laura.

I love baby showers! I love babies! I especially love looking in Baby Name books to see the meaning behind the names. You know, God knew us before we were born. He calls us by name.

Today, my Parker found the Baby Name book and was browsing through it to find out the meanings of the names in our family. Besides being a good school lesson (searching alphabetically for a word), it was an encouragement to me. After going through every one's first and middle name, we came to my middle name....Kimberly.

I don't think I've ever looked at the meaning of my middle name before.

Kimberly: Seeker of Truth. Blessed are those who keep His testimonies, who seek Him with the whole heart! Psalm 119:2.

Thank you, Lord, for this blessing today. I needed these encouraging words which came through the curiosity of my seven year old; but were directed through you. Thank you, Lord, for your perfect timing!

So, what's in your name?

*******
A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold. Proverbs 22:1

"I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice." John 10:1-5

For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile--the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." Romans 10:12-13

Letting the Wind Out

Thank you, friends, for your prayers today. That balloon was knocked clear out of the sky! I got a call around 4:30 from my oncologist's nurse. My bone scan was normal!!! Not only am I excited for the good news, I'm also grateful for the speediness in getting the results.

Hear my prayer, O Lord;
Let my cry for help come to you.
Do not hide your face from me
when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
when I call, answer me quickly.
(Psalm 102:1-2)

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
(Psalm 100)