The Advocate

For those who are wondering what's next for me, the answer is, "I don't know yet." There are some pathology reports still in process and doctor visits to be made. It could be another 2 weeks or so before I even know what the doctor's will suggest. So, in the meantime, I am waiting. I am still.....but not really.

Anyone who knows me, knows that my brain rarely ever turns off. Always thinking, always investigating, always wondering. I don't mind. It is how God designed me and it is who I am.

Have you ever taken a personality test? I have. Many, in fact. Everytime I read the results I have a sense of uncertainty. 'Is this me? This synopsis is supposed to sum me up in a nutshell, but it sure doesn't sound like me.' I realize that we are all unique. One test can't summarize who we are. I understand that. But even in those simple personality tests, I've never really connected with my suppposed 'self.'

It wasn't until a couple of months ago, after taking yet another 'personality' test, that I had an 'a-ha' moment. 'Hey, I think I resemble this one!" An Advocate. Hmm. Little phrases like, 'Advocates tend to: support the underdog and think through both sides of an issue. They have difficulty making decisions unless their boundaries are very clearly defined. Their peacemaking will focus on the people involved, not just the issue. They are willing to intercede for another on their behalf.' All of these resonated with me. Many of you may think this is silly. You may know exactly who you are. You don't need a test to tell you. I admire you, if that is so. But for some reason, this test has made a world of difference to me.

Even in the midst of breast cancer, I see my advocate-like qualities spring forth. I've been investigating my options by looking at both sides of the issue (conventional medical treatment vs. non-conventional treatment). I've been trying to define my boundaries (what short term results do I hope for, what long term results do I pray for, what really needs to be accomplished this day).

I've even supported the underdog..... Like the night my husband and I decided to tell the boys about my diagnosis. I'd gathered all the boys together and waited paitiently for my man to come in. Yet he lingered in the kitchen. He knew we had to leave in 10 minutes and still he did not come. The phone rang and I went to answer it. When I returned, he was sitting on the couch with all the boys. So, I sat down. Now was the time. I waited for him to tell them. He didn't say anything. I waited longer. (I even gave him the raised eyebrow look that says, 'Well, aren't you going to tell them?') Still nothing. Finally I said, 'Honey???' He said, 'I already told them.' ...WHAT?... He told them when I was gone. Well, that's not the way it was supposed to be!!! I was initially upset, but it dawned on me. Sometimes things aren't really real until they are spoken. Do you know what I mean? This was the first time for him to say it, to really speak it. He wanted to be strong. Strong for me. Strong for the boys. That might not have happened had I been sitting there with him. He handled it the best way he could in that moment, and I love him for that. Had I not thought it through, had I not looked at the situation from his point of view, or had I stayed upset with the moment not turning out the the way I wanted it to.....well, I'd probably still be upset with him. Wouldn't that be sad? Boy, do I love my man!! I'm glad I'm an advocate.

You know, in the next few weeks, there will be a lot to process, a lot to think through, a lot of issues to look at (from many angles). Decisions will need to be made. Decisions which aren't about a general issue. These are decisions which will effect me and the people that I hold most dear to my heart. We may make decisions that some will applaud, and that others will question. I only ask that while these decisions are being made, you will be an advocate for me. Please, intercede for me and my family.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thankgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7