For Mrs. H

A dear friend sends me emails from time to time, encouraging me to write new posts on my blog when it's been dormant for awhile. So, this one is for you, Mr. H.....and for Mrs. H, your wife of noble character who is worth far more than rubies. (Proverbs 31:10)

I recently picked up a trilogy that I had read in college. It is about God's unrelenting pursuit after the heart of man. As the trilogy unfolds, the reader begins to grasp the power in the threefold nature of God's forgiveness. For we are called to forgive others, we are called to forgive ourselves, and we are called to receive God's forgiveness. It is through this forgiveness that we allow God's healing to wash over us. (I'm referring to the healing of our spirit man).

The authors weave a tapestry of scripture and faith throughout the pages to remind the readers that "God's way is often beyond man's understanding" and "God's plan for reconciliation is never exhausted." The depth and richness of the story meant so much to me over twenty years ago when I first read it, that I've never been able to part with it.

In the introduction of the last book are these words:

"Life is not lived without heartbreak, loss and tragedy; such is the human condition. As Job said, 'Man is born to trouble.'

But a person's moments on earth are merely a flicker. The joys and miseries of circumstances ultimately fade into nothingness, and all that remains is the character one carries from this life into the next. The physical world provides the training ground for the deeper life as we learn to respond to the God who made us. Temporal loss can be the price of timeless gain."

Having battled through two of the toughest years of my life.....Seeing loved ones struggle through some difficult situations.....Realizing that no one is immune to the heartbreak, loss and tragedy of life....The above words in italics bring me comfort....on so very many levels.

May each of us learn to respond more intimately to the God who made us. May we set our minds on things above.

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Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

Stop By

Today and tomorrow are the big days for the garage sale. So, here are some reasons why I think you should stop by:

• What a great way to help two boys who are awaiting their forever family. (As of early this morning, Tif and Tom are officially the parents of these precious boys!!!)
• We have had donations from so many people, even some who have never met Tif and Tom but felt compelled to reach out and bless them!!!
• Homemade Cookies!!!
• Tillie's Famous Chili Dogs!!! From what I hear, you will not be disappointed.

Well, considering I have to be up in five hours to start today, I better get some sleep. I'm just so excited. I can't wait to see what God will do!!!

Garage Sale Fundraiser for an Adoptive Family

Dear Family and Friends,

I'm having a garage sale at my home on April 9th and 10th to benefit a family who is adopting two boys from Ethiopia. ALL PROCEEDS will be going to this adoptive family. Tiffini is a long time friend of mine whom I've known since third grade. During my cancer treatments she helped my family by organizing meals and cleaning days. It is now a privilege for me to do something to help her and her family.

Adoption is very costly. Though a garage sale can't begin to cover the total cost they will incur, it will help make a small dent.

Tiffini and her husband, Tom, began the adoption process at the end of last year. This usually takes awhile, but God has sped their process along. It's truly amazing! They could be traveling as early as the end of April to pick up their boys.

I only know of a few people who actually read my blog anymore, so I have no idea if this will be an effective way to help raise awareness and money for this adoptive family. Every little bit helps, right?! So, if you are one of the few who checks in from time to time and you want to help, here are some simple things you can do to make this garage sale fundraiser a success:

• Consider donating items. Maybe you have been spring cleaning and have some stuff you are ready to pass along. Please, consider passing it my way! You can bring your stuff to my home between April 1st and April 8th. (If you don't know where I live, you can leave a comment on this blog with your email address, and I will give you directions.)
• Consider shopping at the garage sale. This sale will have contributions from many families. There's sure to be something here that you would like! There will also be face painting and balloon animals for the kids.
• Consider eating at the garage sale. We're planning on having some hot dogs, cookies, and soda at the sale. Stop by for a quick bite!!
• Finally, if you are a blogger or live in the area and know of other families who would want to donate items or visit the garage sale, then please pass this info along!!! Every little bit helps.
• Most importantly, PRAY! Please pray for this family, including the two brothers in Ethiopia. One child is in need of medical attention, so the sooner they can get here, the better!!!

Thank you so much for considering this opportunity to help an adoptive family. You can find out more about Tiffini and Tom, their adoption, and the incredible things God is doing through this process by checking out their blog at http://www.tomandtif-seven.blogspot.com/.

Blessings,

Michelle

P.S. After the event, I will be sure to post how much money is raised.

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Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. Isaiah 1:17

Just Because?

As I stood in the shower, water running over my aching body, I cried. It was the fourth time tears streamed down my face that week, and it was only Tuesday. The tears were not of some impending doom, or of sadness, or from pain. They were overwhelming tears of joy.

How could I not give praise to my Lord!

There I was, far from home, in a beautiful part of the country....the panhandle of Idaho.

There I was, no responsibilities for the day, in a warm and cozy lodge....with the smell of a home cooked breakfast (that I did not have to plan for, buy for, prepare for, cook or serve or clean up) drifting through the beams into my room.

How could I not give praise to my King!

There I was, wondering how in the world this opportunity was given to me. Not by chance. Not by coincidence. And when I thought of all the incredible teachers in this world, I thought....not because I really deserved it. Not really.

Just because a man dreamed a dream of getting the Word of God into the hearts of children and put his visions into action. Just because a little girl dreamed a dream of winning a trip for her family and acted on that dream with her gift of art. Just because another man dreamed a dream and desired to bless another with a trip to Idaho, just as he had already done. And just because that same little girl took the time to think of me........ Just because.

Just because?

Sure, I was aching that morning as the hot water poured down on me. There's bound to be some pain after you ride a horse for the first time in seventeen years. But the tenderness in my legs was a welcomed feeling. It was a reminder that this wasn't just a dream....it was really happening. Right then. Right there.

How can I not sing praise to my Savior and Redeemer!

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James Chapter 1 has been my life chapter. How many times I have held onto verses 2-4 during the many battles my family has faced: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." With this trip to Idaho, God showed me that there's more to James Chapter 1 than trials. Verse 17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."
I plan on sharing more on my trip to Idaho. Stay tuned. :)
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Check out Carey Kinsolving's organization at http://kidstalkaboutgod.org/
Check out Riley's trip at http://houndoghan.blogspot.com/
Check out Cory's ranch at http://www.redhorsemountain.com/

An Incredible Gift

Have you ever been going through your day....a day like any other day....when an unexpected blessing falls into your lap?

Last Wednesday I received a call from Carey Kinsolving, syndicated columnist and organizer of the Children's International Art Festival. I was one of two finalist for a contest. That's neat....what contest?? I thought. Though I'd been told by the contestant's mom that I'd be receiving this call, she had not filled me in on any of the details. Boy was I in for a HUGE surprise.

A very dear eleven year old friend of mine....whom I've known since her birth and have watched grow into a beautiful and Godly young woman.... wrote an essay about me as her teacher and friend. Her family is in the same homeschool co-op as mine. As I spoke to Carey on the phone, he began to fill in the details of this contest. The winner and her spouse would receive an all-inclusive trip to a Dude Ranch in the panhandle of Idaho. What? Are you serious??? I thought.

They were having difficulty picking the winner and he had a few questions for me. Does a trip like this interest you? Could you leave your 4 boys for a week? Do you like to ride horses? Could you make the trip in August? I answered in the affirmative, and more, for all of his questions. I'm sure I talked his ear off!!!

The next day, as my family traveled to New York for my niece's wedding at West Point, I drifted in and out of sleep in the front seat of our big green Suburban while holding the cell phone in my hand. The phone vibrated. I answered. RILEY'S ESSAY WON!!!! The phone call was a mixture of tears, laughs, exchange of information, and more tears. Cory from the Dude Ranch at Red Horse Mountain was also on the phone and he filled me in on some of the details of the ranch. Wow!! It sounds like a little piece of heaven on earth!!!

What a blessing from God! Thank you, Riley, for this incredible gift!

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For more details about the contests that Riley entered and about the Dude Ranch in the panhandle of Idaho, check out these websites:

www.kidstalkaboutGod.org/riley
http://www.redhorsemountain.com/

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Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created. James 1:17-18

Turning a Corner

If you've ever been lost (whether literally or figuratively), then you know that awful feeling that can settle in the pit of your belly.

I started this blog with 'A Curve in the Road.' That curve has taken me to many places that I never knew existed before.....places I'd rather not visit again. All of that 'traveling', all of those unwanted experiences, all of those uncertainties. Well, all of 'that' really did get the best of me. Stripped it away and threw it in an alley with unknown coordinates. I've been looking for that 'me' for quite awhile.

Since August of '08, I've been searching....sometimes actively...sometimes passively. Where did I go? Who was this 'she' that I was becoming? Sometimes numb, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes grieving, sometimes apathetic....yet always hoping. Always hoping. Time.... Prayer..... Medication..... Diet..... Exercise....... Waiting..... Changing Medication..... More Time...... More Waiting..... More Prayer....More Exercise. Yet, still plugging away: still waking up each day (though much later than usual); still homeschooling the boys (though it took much longer than usual); still putting one foot in front of the other, still putting in another load of clothes and another load of dishes behind the last. Mentally held up in a cave of hibernation, cloaked in a self-made cocoon. Physically going through the motions. Yet always hoping that I'd eventually find that corner of unknown coordinates where 'the me that I once was' was tossed.

Early February 2009. Is that her? I saw a glimpse. I know I did. Who just loaded the dishwasher without much mental effort? Ugh, if only there was some magic boost to get me up this ladder. God, help me. I don't want to be in this pit anymore, but I don't know how to get out. A phone call. Unexpected. "How are you doing?" was the simple question. And as I shared my desperation, the receiver heard my heart. She heard the yearning of my soul. Led by the Holy Spirit....I know without a doubt....she made arrangements for Merry Maids to come and clean my house.

I had no idea that was what I needed. A clean home....a fresh start. Would this be the impetus needed to boost me up that ladder? Would it work? Had it been one week earlier, I think the answer would have been, "No!" But God's timing is perfect. Just perfect. And yes, through the kindness and insight of a friend, He did boost me back up that ladder. He did lead me around the corner and I found familiarity. I found her.....I found me.

I was beginning to think she didn't exist anymore. Maybe she doesn't, not entirely. Maybe the better parts of her were spared, and maybe the weaker parts of her were refined. She may not be who she was, but she's ready to move forward again. She's turned the corner and found herself once more. Always cradled in the sheltering wings of her Lord and Savior. Always loved and adored by her Creator. She just had to believe it again. To know it was true. She is blessed.......

I am blessed.

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But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Friendship

Last night was supposed to be Beth Moore study group with four of my fellow homeschooling moms. But they had other plans.....and I am so glad they did!

You see, yesterday was my birthday. The girls brought an incredibly yummy cheesecake and homemade salsa. We put on some coffee. (I sent my boys upstairs to watch some long awaited TV shows that we'd recorded in the last week...that kept them busy).

There we sat, all 5 of us women. Eating, laughing, sharing, sipping coffee and laughing some more. It was grand.

A memorable moment was when Parker, my seven year old, came down. Parker loves to be a part of the grown-up fellowship whenever he can get a chance. He said something like, "Oh, chocolate and ladies. It doesn't get any better than this."

Friendship. It's priceless.

Psalm 131

My heart is not proud, O Lord,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself

with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

But I have stilled and

quieted my soul;

like a weaned child with

its mother,

like a weaned child is my

soul within me.



O Israel, put your hope in

the Lord

both now and forevermore.



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Thank you, Monica! What a perfect follow up to 'More than Watchmen Wait!'

He is Our Help

Talking about finances is not something I like to mention on this blog. But I must share the goodness of my God and how he has provided for our family in this area during this year.

The diagnosis of cancer can affect much more than the body. It certainly has the potential to affect the pocketbook. Yet, I am once again reminded that God is our provider.....in all things.

At the beginning of this year, anticipating the extra expenses and the decrease in income, we readjusted our mortgage so that our property taxes were no longer included in the monthly payment. That certainly helped get us through the many months that I was not working. But of course, November was approaching. That's when the property taxes were due....and we owe on two properties (which is another long story). Every time we set aside money for that payment, a new medical expense would come through and deplete our savings.

My mom and dad gave us an unexpected monetary gift in the spring. That helped pay for many of the expenses that we had been putting on our VISA and lifted a heavy load.

Sean has great insurance through his company. I praise God for that provision. But even with his insurance, our out-of-pocket expenses have been hefty. For the most part, we have been able to stay on top of them. How? Well, by God's provision, of course. Sean had submitted a resume months ago for an adjunct teacher's position at a local technical college. He was surprised to get a call just a couple of weeks before the fall session started. Within days, he taught a mock class in front of the administrators of the school and was offered the teaching job. In fact, they asked him to teach the same class in two of their locations. Of course, this did not get in the way of Sean's day job! He has worked diligently and been able to work his regular job AND teach two classes each week! God has been so good to work this out for him.....for us. It's been a sacrifice on all of us, but through his second job, we have been able to keep up with most of the medical bills that have come through.....but we still haven't been able to put anything back for those pesky property taxes.

How did God provide for those? Well, he sent the Sweet Melissa Foundation. Two weeks ago, Sweet Melissa came to our house with a check for $3000. WOW!!! That's really all I can say.....WOW!!! We were so humbled and appreciative of this gift for we know that it took many hands many hours to put it all together.....and even more hands and more generous hearts to bring it to fruition. WOW!!!

We did all that we could do to get through this tough year......but all we could do was not enough. It was God who orchestrated everything and took care of us. He provided us the opportunity to re-finance at the beginning of the year, He provided through my Mom and Dad, He provided through Sean's teaching job, and He provided through the Sweet Melissa Foundation. He has provided in soooooooooo many other ways. I give Him the glory and I say, "Thank You, Lord!"

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We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20-22

Softball Tournament

Yesterday was the Women's Slow-Pitch Softball Tournament. It was wonderful! The Sweet Melissa Foundation did an excellent job organizing everything. There were twelve teams all together. The weather was PERFECT!!

One thing many of my team members realized as the day progressed.....our bodies ain't what they used to be!!! The problem was that our minds weren't aware of this dilemma. On one occasion there was a fly ball coming into the outfield, right between me and my friend Julie. I ran toward it like I would have twenty years ago, truly convinced that I could catch it. HA!! The ball went right on past me while I continued running. Of course, now I was going in the wrong direction, but I couldn't stop myself. In fact, I was certain that at any moment I would tumble head over heals and eventually find myself flat on the ground or, worse yet, smashed into the fence. Whew! It was close. I used every muscle fiber in my legs that hasn't been used for the last 10 years to slow down. And today...I'm paying for it. Ouch! But it's okay. It was SO MUCH FUN!!!

Team Chellebugs didn't come home with the winning trophy, but we had a lot of fun trying!

To my Teammates (in order of how long I've known you):
Thank you, Kelly, Kris and Angie!! (37 years) .....
Thank you, Julie and Caryn!! (~32 years) .....
Thank you, Alicia (22 years) and McKenzie (18 years)!! ....
Thank you, Sandy (19 years)!!.....
Thank you, Celia (13 years) and Ursula (12 years)!!......
Thank you, Ronda (~9 years) and Cindy (~1 year)!!.....
Thank you, Mary Beth, April and Alicia (for coming out and supporting me even though we'd never met before)!!

To my 'Support Staff' (:)):
Thank you Dad and Mike for coaching!! Thanks for making me sit the bench from time to time, too. That was a good idea! Thank you Mike for helping Mom with the scorekeeping. Thank you Mom for being our cheerleader and supplier of all things (bubble gum, sunscreen, drinks!!). Thank you Riley for being the best bat girl! And thank you, Tiffini, Miriam, Erin, Jeff, and Kevin for hanging out at the diamonds all day! And Sean....you are my all time #1 favorite fan....Thank you for helping me be a part of this day! And Thank you to so many more of you who came out during the day to watch the event. And finally, thank you to those who supported the event with your time, your talents and your treasures.

Well, now I must try to get up from this chair and get to bed. It'll be hard. This body of mine ain't what it used to be. Every muscle from head to toe is screaming with every move I make!!

Prayers for a Friend

We had the opportunity to get away this week. What a treat for all of us! (I'll share more about that later).

While we were gone we found out that a friend of ours was in a life-threatening accident. He's the husband to Jill, daddy to Kylie, and friend to many. The accident has affected his vertebra and spinal cord at L-1 (just below the rib cage) and has caused burns over 30% of his body. He's in critical condition right now and is in and out of surgery and physical therapy each day to care for his burns and his range of motion. His name is RD.

Please, pray for him. Pray for his family and loved ones who are ministering to him and to each other. God's presence is there and His power and love has been revealed, even in the midst of these circumstances. If you know RD, you can find out more information on his Caring Bridge Web page. He posted a video to thank those who have been praying and those who have been taking care of his family, and to encourage us to continue. In the midst of his pain he is giving glory to God! What a testimony to RD's faith and God's love!

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Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.
Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.
Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.
Hear my prayer, O Lord: listen to my cry for mercy.
In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me.
Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.
All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.

Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

Psalm 86:1-13

Camp Compassion

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Luke 6:37,38

My family was blessed this week. I mean REALLY blessed. Seeds of compassion were sown into our lives by an unlikely group. About a dozen 6th, 7th and 8th grade students, along with 3 brave adults, came for a few hours on Thursday. While they cleaned my home and entertained my children, I was able to go to a doctor's appointment.

These young men and young women came with arms ready to serve. And they did it with a cheerful spirit. My family wasn't the only recipient of their 'good measure.' They were part of Camp Compassion. For an entire week, they (and two other teams) have been ministering to people in our church and in our community.

I just want to send out a special thank you to Pastor Rob and Pastor Rhonda for putting it all together. What a wonderful way to see Luke 6:37,38 in action!!! And THANK YOU to the White Crew! You Rock!

God is faithful. His promises are true. He has provided for me and my family in so many unique and unexpected ways during this journey! Thank you, Lord.

Clinical Trial

After an early radiation appointment this morning, I drove downtown for my Herceptin treatment and to begin my enrollment in a clinical trial. I haven't mentioned anything about this trial on my blog, but I have been diligently researching it behind the scenes to determine if participating was worth it. Unlike the other studies I have done, this is a trial. That means I will be taking a medication for a lengthy time (3 years) to determine if it will help reduce the risk of recurrence in women with early stage breast cancer who are in remission. I've asked many doctors and nurses who are and who are not connected with my current treatment; I've spent many evenings looking at the potential risks and benefits of the drug; I've prayed about it; I've discussed it with my husband. I say all of this to ease concerns of friends and family who are reading this. My decision to enroll was taken with great care. As with any clinical trial, if I find I do not tolerate the drug well or for whatever reason decide to stop, I can do that.

So the first obvious question is......What drug am I going to be taking?
The answer.........Bisphosphonates. These are the same drugs prescribed for osteoporosis, only at greater dosages. The clinical trial is looking at three different bisphosphonates to determine which one can provide the best benefit with the least amount of side effects (which are mostly gastrointestinal in nature). Bisphosphonates are currently being used to treat patients whose cancer has spread to their bones. There are already some good results from other trials indicating that bisphosphonates can reduce recurrence for women with early stage breast cancer.

The next probable question is.......Why? Why would you do this?
The answer.........That's hard to explain completely, but here are some of my thoughts:

*I'm 37 years old and, because of my decision to remove my ovaries, I am in menopause. I believe my oophorectomy was the right choice for me. Taking Vitamin D and calcium combined with eating healthy and exercise are good options to keep my bones healthy, but taking hormones to help maintain my bone health is not an option. So, I'm at risk for osteoporosis. I see a benefit in taking the bisphosphonates. I don't know when my days will be numbered (only God does), but I want to be as healthy and as strong as I can be for however long He grants me....just like my Great Grandma Vivian, who was treated for breast cancer in her mid-50's and was a survivor for over 40 years!!!

* A few Saturdays ago I met a woman I didn't know. We were at the All-Alumni weekend of our Alma mater......alumni of the same college, but having graduated nearly 30 years a part from one another. She noticed my short hair, quietly came up to me and gently said, "May I ask you a personal question?.....Is your hair just starting to grow out?" Of which I answered, "Yes." She proceeded to tell me that she was a 5 year survivor and had been one of the women who took part in the Herceptin clinical trial. The results of that trail made a big impact in the oncology world. Up until that time there was not an effective treatment for women whose cancer was Her2 positive. It was because of her courage and the many women like her, that I am blessed to be receiving Herceptin today. I had been asking God to confirm in my heart which may I was to go forward with the bisphosphonate clinical trial. I truly felt that the unlikely meeting of this woman and me was ordained by God.

* Strange, but true.....I had a physical therapy appointment just a few days after Trevor had broken his arm. While the PT was working out some of my scar tissue, I was telling her about Trevor's unhappy event. She looked at me and said, "Does he have osteogenic imperfecta type A like you do?"........I had no idea what she was talking about.....so I asked, "What do you mean?" She said, "Well, the whites of your eyes have a very mild blue tint to them. That's a fairly good sign that you have a mild form of it and you could have passed that on to your son." She's a very knowledgeable lady and had in fact studied a family with two girls who'd had this same genetic defect. Apparently every summer the two girls would end up with a broken bone of some sort. Now, I don't know if Trevor or I really do have this bone imperfection, but I do know that of all my sisters I've had the most broken bones (and of all his brothers, Trevor holds the record). Regardless, it made me think, "I may really need these bisphosphonates more than I know."

* I'm sure I could tell you many more things about how this decision was made........but I can't remember them right now!!!! Except, I have gained about as much knowledge as is possible in finding out more about it, I have prayed about it and asked God to give me direction and discernment and wisdom, AND I have submitted the whole thing before my husband who has given me his blessing in moving forward.

Sooooooooo, I started the clinical trial today. After a creatinin blood test to make sure my kidneys were working properly, I was randomized to one of three arms of the trial. That means that this trial is studying three different bisphosphonates. Neither I, nor my doctor have the option to choose which one I take. It's chosen by the computer. One of the drugs is given intravenously (once a month for 6 months, then every 3 months after that....for 3 years). The other two drugs are in pill form and are taken orally every day for 3 years. Considering the fact that I have a nice new PowerPort, that I'm to avoid blood draws from either arm for quite some time and therefore needed a good reason (in my own mind) to keep my port after my Herceptin infusions end in January, AND that I hate the idea of taking a pill EVERY DAY for 3 years (I'm already taking more than I'm used to)......I was hoping for the IV drug.

Annnnnnnnnnd, (written that way because I know that I take way to long to explain things and I'm just as happy as you that this blog entry is coming to an end) that's what I got. The IV form of the bisphosphonate!!!!!

Whew! Well, it's been a long day.....Radiation....Herceptin....Zometa......dead tadpole (oh, that's whole other tale that won't be told tonight.....Sorry, Beth....We were not good tadpole keepers).

Before I sign off: Thank you, Hillary, for keeping my younger two boys all day. Thank you, Sandy, for joining me for lunch on a day that you could have gone home early from work. And, to Mr. and Mrs. G, thank you for the wonderful stew, biscuits and dessert. What a blessing to come home to some good home cooking!!! I'm so sorry I missed seeing you.

"Tag, You're It!!"

I've been tagged......with a meme......and although I know what a Mimi is, I've never heard of a 'meme.' (I'm still very knew to the blogging world!!!) But I'm happy to play along. Thankfully, I was able to find out the rules by going back to the blog of the one who tagged me.....(Thanks, Judy @ http://midsummermeanderings.blogspot.com/ )........So here it goes:

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning:
1. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
2. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read the player’s blog.
3. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

Q. What were you doing five years ago today?
1. Sean and I made the official decision to homeschool....Spencer was to start Kindergarten in the Fall. We were a bit leery about what our friends and family would think and how they would react because there weren't many homeschoolers in our circle of friends/family at that time.
2. Well, I know I wasn't eating bon-bons every day, though I'd sometimes dream about it!!!! I had three boys who were 5 years old and under.....with another on the way!!!!
3. I was past the half-way mark of my fifth pregnancy.....and just starting to breathe easier. Our fourth son, Peter Michael, was Heavenborn during my second trimester and I was afraid it might happen again.
4. I was working as a Physical Therapist one day each week at a hospital in Indy. It was like a mini-vacation from my Real Job As a Mom.....only I got paid for it!!!!
5. I was thrilled for my husband. God had provided him with a wonderful job that he really wanted AND he was enjoying, too!! That's always a bonus.

Q. 5 things on your to do list today.
1. Find some phoo-phoo creamer for my coffee!!!! I can't drink it black or with milk. I NEED Hazelnut creamer.....we were out....and Sean, who usually makes the trip to the store in the morning when we find ourselves in this predicament (because he wants it just as much as me....though he'd never admit it), was OUT OF TOWN!!!!
2. Radiation. My third radiation treatment was scheduled for 9:45.....but the office called at 9:10 to tell me that the machine was down and could I make it later in the day? I was thinking, "Uh.....that may not be as simple as you think. My husband is out of town, my childcare was lined up for the designated time (9:45), I've got other appointments today and I can't just walk in there with my four boys." BUT, I said, "Well, you can call me on my cell phone up until 1:00, but I doubt I can make it in the afternoon." I did get a call (when I was doing my to-do list #3) and was able to get in at 12:30.
3. Dog Food. Must get dog food. Poor thing has been out of food for almost 2 days and is relying on our table scraps....though I'm sure she didn't mind that at all!!! So, I decided to go ahead and go to my friend's house (who was going to watch the boys while I went to my radiation appointment), only I stayed, too, and we visited. Then, the boys and I left at 10:30 and headed to Wal-Mart for Dog Food........oh, yes....and don't forget the Hazelnut Creamer ......and bread.....and fruit.....some yogurt.....we're out of cereal, too. It donned on me that I hadn't made a trip like this with all 4 boys for over 8 months!!!! So although some of you may think I'm crazy, it was a WONDERFUL trip just knowing I had the energy to do it!!!
4. Oncology Visit and Herceptin Infusion. You just never know how this is going to work out. Either everything goes well and in a timely manner....OR.....not. Today it was a not. Everything went well, it just wasn't timely. Thankfully, my dear neighbor who was watching my boys was not in any hurry to go anywhere or be anywhere. So, for my boys, I'm sure they were glad my appointment lasted FOREVER. They had a blast at their friend's house!
5. Read......I'm reading another book by one of my favorite fiction authors....Ted Dekker. Though I'm not so sure I'm sold on this particular book. But I had PLENTY of time to read while I waited for my doctor.

Q. 5 snacks you enjoy:
1. Apples with peanut butter.
2. Whatchamacallit Candy Bars (haven't had one in years!)
3. Kettle Popcorn.
4. Applesauce with mini-chocolate chips on top.
5. Peanut Butter Cookies.

Q. 5 things you would do if you were a billionaire:
1. Buy a house with lots of acreage, including creeks and trees to climb. My husband could retire and be the gentleman farmer he's always wanted to be (well, that is, that's what he told me last year when I asked him a similar question).
2. Do and Give to many short-term missions trips over-sees, especially in Africa.
3. Take a very long vacation to Italy and Greece. My grandma is 100% Macedonian but was born in the USA. Her parents immigrated here. I would love to take her and all of the Christ family to Macedonia (north Greece).
4. Adopt as many children as Sean would let me.
5. Invest wisely and then give the rest to those in need and to various research (like breast cancer).

Q. 5 jobs you have had.
1. Yogurt Server
2. Activities Leader for a Nursing Home
3. Camp Counselor at Bradford Woods
4. Resident Assistant in my dorm in college (paid for room and board!!)
5. Physical Therapist

Q. 5 people you want to tag.
(This one's hard, because I'm so new to blogging!!! Ladies, if you've done this before, just refer me to your blog entry!!)
1. Monica @ http://monica-shineagain.blogspot.com/
2. Tisha @ http://tisha-myrestingplace.blogspot.com/
3. Rachel @ http://jacksonfamilynews.blogspot.com/
4. Michelle @ http://glorious-mayhem.blogspot.com/
5. Ronda @ http://rondasnotes.blogspot.com/

Turtle Chelle

Slowly.......in fact, too slowly......I'm recovering from my surgeries. Yesterday, I was trying to explain to Sean how strange I feel. And it dawned on me.....turtle shell.

I feel as if I've acquired a turtle shell around my rib cage. It's very restrictive. Certainly, this will go away as my body continues to heal, but in the meantime, I have this odd 'shell-like' feeling on my trunk......like an extra rib cage.....or like a suite of armor that I can't take off. Hmmm....Maybe I could pass for the fifth Ninja Turtle?.......Wouldn't my boys like that!!! Cowabunga Dude!!!

Well, now that you're envisioning me as Leonardo, Michelangelo or Donatello (what's the name of the fourth one?), let me switch gears........

There's a strange comfort I find in my turtle shell. I can use it as a good excuse to shut myself off from the world around me. I can tuck my little head and arms in and 'hide.' I could easily find myself retreating into the isolation this temporary shell has to offer me. But I have to ask myself? Why? What good would that do? To whom would that serve? And if I find temporary comfort in escaping from the world around me, who's to say that I would ever want to come out again?

Don't worry, I'm not falling into a depression. Well, maybe I did take a little 'dip' this week. It's not too hard to travel down that road. Escaping....hiding.....isolating oneself......It does have it's appeal...for the short run. But in the long run, it's a very dangerous road to travel.

If you're there, or have been there, you know what I'm talking about. I'm not a doctor. I don't have all the right answers or solutions, but I do know that the only one who benefits from our depression....the only one who cheers us on to take a deeper step into the 'Pit of Despair' (you have to say that like the guy in Princess Bride)........the only benefactor is satan.

If you find yourself carrying around your own 'spiritual' or 'emotional' turtle shell this week, I just want to encourage you to call a friend. Poke your head out......and see that not all is lost. Reach your arms out......and find comfort in companionship. Take a step out of the pit......and discover that satan is a liar.

*******
"The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." Romans 16:20

"But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Hebrews 10:39

Have You Seen the Son Today?

As the fog in my mind continues to lift, I am just amazed at the brilliance I see all around me. Yet, mostly I hear others complaining about cloudy skies. "When will the sun shine again?" I realize my circumstances aren't like most, but I can tell you the Son IS shining. You just have to look a little closer......

His face was shining in the smile of the grocery clerk who checked us out at Kroger.

I saw it in my dental hygienist face as she tenderly cared for me yesterday. In fact I saw it in all of the faces of the staff who worked so quickly to get me in at the last minute.

He was there at the park on Monday as a friend and I shared our hearts, our burdens, and our joys together.

It was hard not to see him when another friend brought us a meal on Tuesday and then returned again on Wednesday to take me out of my house for a little while.

There was that moment today that my sons and I read about Gladys Aylward and her amazing devotion to the people of China. After 10 years of unconditional love and service....through good times and war......through her good works and constant service to the Lord, the mandarin of the province in which she worked gave a big celebration in her honor as she sat at his right side. At the end of the feast he publicly declared that he wanted to serve the same God that Gladys Alward had served so faithfully. WoW!!!! (I know that happened many years ago during WWII, but reading it today had a huge impact on me!!! And I don't think it was just my hormones!!)

His eyes sparkled in my mother's eyes as she tenderly massaged my scarred skin the other day.

Have you seen the Son today? If you think about it, I'm sure you have!!

**********
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:6-9

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers....Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. I John 3:16,18

We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. I John 5:13,14

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you." Isaiah 60:1

A Poor Reflection

All went well in my surgery on Tuesday. Thank you to so many who prayed for me. It took about 5 hours from beginning to end, and both doctors reported that all went well in their procedures. I ended up staying two nights in the hospital. Now, I'm home recuperating.

I could say that this week was a piece of cake, a laugh a minute, and walk in the park. Ha! Well, I did have a piece of cake.....no, it was pie. Peanut butter creme pie...mmmmm. I probably did laugh for a whole minute.....if you add them all up for the week. But I've cried way more than I've laughed. I did walk down my road today. With all the trees in green it felt like I was in a park.....with a very wide sidewalk....only I didn't get very far and had to come back home to rest. Okay....forget all that. This week was definitely not paradise.

But I am here! I am loved! I am thankful! I still sing praises to my Creator! Listen to these words from Paul:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.....For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

These words from Corinthians 13:4-8,9-13 have been on my mind today. Love. Imperfection. Reflection. Hope. Faith. The first time I looked at the reflection of my 'new' self in the mirror, I cried. I did. I saw physical imperfection at its greatest. This is not how God created me. This is not how he knit me together in my mother's womb. This bald headed, bare-browed, breastless being that was looking back at me....who was she?

And yet, He knew. He knew this day would come. He prepared me for this moment. I'm not sure how. I'm not even sure when. But somehow. In some way. He prepared me. And the reflection that He sees of me is not what I see. He sees my broken heart and makes it new. He makes me whole. He has never left me. He restores me. He guides me. He loves me. He has surrounded me with family and friends who love me, too. Family and friends whom I love. People who can laugh with me, cry with me, hold me, and protect me. I could not walk this path alone, unloved, hopeless and faithless.

Here are just a few images of love that I glimpsed this week:

• Two doctors, each holding one of my hands, as I drifted off to 'surgical' sleep with tears dripping down my cheeks.
• A nurse who gave a gentle touch, a kind reassurance, a sweet smile.
• Fragrant, beautiful flowers and encouraging cards that fill my home with reminders of friends and family who care.
• A husband who helps me get dressed, who cares for my every need, who looks at me...all of me.....and tells me that he loves me.
• Family and friends who continue giving their time and love.

This love that Sean and I have been wrapped in this whole week is only part....only a small reflection of God's love. I treasure every single-itty-bitty-bit of it. Thank you so much for sharing God's love with us!!!

Count it ALL Joy

My spirit was stirred a couple of weeks ago when I went with a friend to her chemo treatment. As we drove there she said, "Oh, did I mention that I like to walk around the building one time and sing 'The Joy of the Lord is my Strength,' before I go in for treatment?

No....but I was happy to do that with her. So we sang, we jumped for joy, and we laughed as we circled the building.

Later in the week, I went to the 2-day homeschool convention without my wig. I'd intended to wear a bandanna, but ended up going without any covering on my head. I think wigs are great! I've thoroughly enjoyed mine, but I felt the prompting of the Lord to trust in Him and to accept his 'covering' for those two days. It would have been much simpler to be 'covered' with my wig and to find safety in my synthetic hair.


So, I went. Bald head and all. There were several occasions when I forgot about my hairless state, until I noticed someones wandering eye drifting toward my crown. Lord, why did you ask me to do this? I'm feeling really exposed......but I will trust you. And He gave me such strength and courage that I did not know I had.

On Saturday, I was picking up my Currito Burrito at the Food Court when a woman from the convention came over, touched my arm, and spoke these words to me: "I just have to tell you that you have encouraged me so much as I've seen you throughout the day. The joy of the Lord is all over your face." All I could do was smile, thank her for the encouragement, and hold back the flood of tears that wanted to flow from my eyes. My tears were not of sadness, but of JOY. Because it was then that I knew, in part, why God had asked such a difficult thing of me.

Just in case there was any doubt, God gave me reassurance on Monday. I received a postcard from a dear prayer warrior at church. She had no idea what I had done the week before. She didn't know about my leaping and singing and laughing around the chemo building, or my experience at the convention. But on Saturday morning she was praying for me and my family. As she was praying for peace, God prompted her to pray and to sing 'joy' over me. The song "It is joy, unspeakable and full of glory" came to her mind. She wrote, "and in my mind's eye...wherever and whatever that is...I see you laughing hilariously. Then when I was looking for a card--I found this one! Do you think it was God? Must be 'cause it doesn't make sense." I turned the post card over. It read, "I will be glad in the Lord. Psalm 104:34."

Wow!!! Isn't God good!!

Well, as my week here at home got a little tougher, God wanted to remind me once more that His joy can live in me despite what's going on around me. This morning I received the following from another friend. She started by saying, "Not sure why I'm sharing this with you.....other than I feel like I was supposed to." Then she typed out the verses from Psalm 51:7-17. Some of the highlights in these verses include, "Let me hear joy and gladness.......restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me........O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise........" There are many other treasures in those verses, but I was drawn to the ones which mentioned 'joy' and 'praise.'

I pray that God's joy would abound in you as well. In the midst of the trial you are going through, in the midst of the uncertainties and frustrations that you face everyday, I pray that God will restore to you the joy of your salvation and will grant you a willing spirit to sustain you. Open your lips and let your mouth declare praises unto His name!!!!!

Herceptin, Distractions, and STUFF

I just got back from my first treatment with Herceptin alone. Piece of Cake (so far)!!!!! For the rest of the year I will be receiving this treatment every 3 weeks. It takes longer to drive there and back then it takes to get the infusion.

Why Herceptin and Why so long? (WARNING...the following paragraph contains boring details!!!!!) Herceptin is a 'unique biologic therapy for cancers which have too much HER2 protein.' When a cancer cell has too much HER2, it will grow and divide faster than a typical cancer cell; so HER2-positive tumors grow and spread more rapidly. There's always the chance that a cancer cell could leave the area of the original tumor site and could 'attach' itself somewhere else in the body. So the standard of care, for women whose tumors over-express HER2, is to continue Herceptin for a year because it specifically targets any tumor cell which over-expresses the HER2 protein. Downside: Herceptin can weaken the heart muscle. Throughout my treatment, I have experienced mild chest discomfort off and on. Please pray with me that there will be no long-term toxicity to my heart.

I've been a little vague about my upcoming surgery. Partly, I don't want to burden anyone with the details. Plus, I'm not thinking too much about it. Is that denial? I don't know. But truthfully I have so many other things to distract me and I welcome the distractions. Next week I'll try to give a bit more info about my surgeries.....This week I'd rather share some of my distractions!!!

My oldest just finished IOWA testing. I'm finding more and more that he is a lot like me. And that makes me smile! For example, he actually LOVED being tested. He loved filling in the scan tron sheets, he loved talking to his friends during breaks, he loved that he knew many of the answers and he loved being challenged. He's a quirky kid....just like I was! I won't know how he did for another 6 weeks. But I don't need those scores to tell me where my son's academic weaknesses and strengths are. I already know...... because I am his teacher.

The Indiana Association of Home Educator's Convention takes place in Indianapolis this weekend. Originally, my surgery was planned for April 15th and I thought I'd have to miss the convention. But with my surgery date changed to April 29th, I get to go! I LOVE the convention. So many wonderful speakers, so many incredible curriculum, and SO MANY homeschoolers. It's an encouraging weekend for me!!

Next week, there will be doctors' appointments, school with the boys, and the Year End Program for the homeschool co-op we attend. A healthy dose of STUFF to do; just enough to keep me busy, but not too much to wear me out.

I just have to mention, again, how blessed I have been through this entire experience. Tiffini, a very dear friend of mine, has been helping to organize meals and house-cleaning during the various stages of my treatment. Late Monday night, she sent out an email to get some post-surgery meals ready. Before lunch on Tuesday....about 12 hours after the email was sent......all the slots were filled!!! I'm not sure I can express how humbling that is and how blessed that makes me feel.

May you have a healthy dose of STUFF to do this weekend. Enough to keep you busy, but not too much to wear you out. While you're doing your STUFF, don't forget to thank your Father in heaven for blessing you with the ability to do it!! And as Carol reminded me this week, remember to add some of the important things to your list......cuddling with your toddler...... reading a story to your preschooler..... playing a game with your elementary-age child.....and listening to your teenager..... Laundry, dishes, and sticks in the yard will never go away, but those kids will eventually grow up. They won't be little forever.

Frozen Meals and Bald Heads

We're home from vacation and I've had so much on my heart I've wanted to share. But there just never are enough hours in a day........I'm in the middle of warming up a yummy frozen meal and thought that now was as good a time as any to share some of my random thoughts.

• Just before we left for vacation I was blessed by some fellow homeschooling moms. They'd had a fun evening of cooking together, making all sorts of freezer meals. They blessed my family with several of those meals. One of them is what I'm cooking tonight....Meatball sub sandwiches! Yummy!!!
• Entering the world as a woman with a bald head takes courage. Right now, my courage is limited. It's boundaries include my home and Tennessee. Last week while on vacation I opted to go bald during many of our outings. It's just impossible to wear a wig all day long. I may share more on that adventure at a later date. Funny how I can spend hours at a time out in the unknown world with my head exposed, but I can't find the strength to walk to my mailbox in the same way.

Well, the sub-sandwiches are done! And they smell good! The boys are flocking around for a bite.