This week, I've found myself reflecting on people's passions.
My 9 yr old is passionate about football. My 8 yr old loves anything to do with strategy. My 6 year old can get whisked away to another world when he listens to music or works on art. My 4 yr old, unlike any other 4 year old I've raised, loves clothes. He would dress up everyday in a dress shirt and tie if I let him.
As we get older our passions take on different looks as we take on different seasons in our life. Passions can grow and mature with us, or get buried under the rubble of life. Although there may be times when we need to 'bury' the old and get on with the 'new,' there are times when just get sidetracked, or too busy, or maybe even apathetic about the passions that once enriched our lives.
On Christmas morning, one of my passions of old was re-awakened as I opened my gift from my husband.....a various assortment of art materials...charcoal paper, sketching pencils, watercolors and acrylics. (We had just watched one of our favorite movies, 'The Notebook,' a few days before. Hmm, did he envision me sitting in the sun room draped with only a blanket as I painted the landscape around me?..........well, dream on, my sweet man!!) ANYWAY..... since we have a house full of young ones, we were up bright and early on Christmas morn. We'd opened up all the presents and eaten breakfast by 8:00. So by 8:15 I'd pulled out my sketching pencils, charcoals and paper and went to it. My Grandpa Jude had given me a photograph of himself a couple of years ago (I'll save that story for another day). It was a small wallet size (only about 1 inch by 2 inch) black and white of him in his Unites States Marine Corp outfit. He'd kept that picture in his wallet since1944. To have it in my possession is a great honor. As the boys and their daddy enjoyed playing with their new 'toys' I tried to reproduce that little portrait of my Grampa onto an 8.5 in x 11 in piece of charcoal paper. It wasn't an exact likeness of the original, but it was completed with love and with passion. I gave it to my Grampa later that day when we celebrated Christmas with my side of the family. I'm sure he liked it, not so much the end product, but the love that went in to making it just for him. I know this, because he has made me many things in my lifetime, and it's always the love that it is wrapped in that means more to me than anything. My Grampa is a man of passion, too, although one may not always see it unless he/she looks carefully. His passions go deep; they have been tempered from his life experiences of love and war.
When we present our passions wrapped in a blanket of love, they are often well received...even when one's passion does not reflect the passions of another. But if we forget the love, we fail miserably. This thought is reflected in I Corinthians 13:1....If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
I was recently confronted with a resounding gong and a clanging cymbal. What bothers me the most is that the passion I encountered could have been more effective in helping me had it been wrapped with love. Instead, the love was wrapped around the passion itself, instead of the person to whom it was directed...me. A few weeks ago, I had visited an Integrated Medical Doctor to get some direction and wisdom on supplements that would help me through the chemotherapy process. He was very helpful and knowledgeable and gave me a list of suggestions. About a week later I went to a health food store. I quietly picked up a few of the items, but wasn't sure about one of the items on the list. I decided to ask the man behind the counter for some help. What happened next is a bit of a blur! For the next twenty minutes, the man spoke non-stop. It was a crash course in breast cancer, modern medicine, and supplements. He never asked me about myself, he never asked me what knowledge I'd already gained during this journey or what resources I'd investigated. Instead, while he printed off articles from his computer and made copies from books behind his counter, he rattled on about he and his wife's bad experiences with the medical profession and about how I needed to 'get educated on these things' and how I needed to 'present myself to God as one approved.' His voice never stopped, his passion never ceased. I'm not even sure he even knew I was there after a while. As the storm finally calmed, I stood before him with the few items I had gathered from my list. They were spread out on the counter. He told me to leave and 'get more educated' and then come back to see him. I said, 'So, should I just leave all these things on the counter then?' He replied, 'Yep, just leave them there and come back when you're ready.' Well, after the twenty minutes of his non-stop noise and uncontrolled passion, I walked out of the store empty handed and with a big headache! I did take a moment when I got home to read through his articles, they were somewhat informative but not altogether helpful. This man was knowledgeable, bright and passionate. These are wonderful qualities to possess. Qualities I admire. Unfortunately, on the day I visited, this man's passions ruled the day, and he forgot to wrap them up in love. I've searched my heart. I don't think I'm angry with him anymore....admittedly, I was angry with him as I drove home from his store. But I've forgiven him. I don't believe he meant to hurt me, he was just a man who was lost in his passion for the moment. I plan to go back to see him today or tomorrow to get the stuff on my list. And if the Lord wills, he and I will get to see one another again.
I Corinthians 13:4-7: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
2 Timothy 2:15: Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Second Surgery...All is Well
I had my second surgery yesterday. All went really well, even though the timing was delayed. The surgery was to be at 1:00, but it didn't begin until 2:30. Friends and family were present to pray with me and to encourage me, to laugh with me and even to cry with me. And I know many others were at home and work praying for me, too. The nurse I had a few weeks ago popped in to check up on me and my doctor did another excellent job. One friend kept my boys all morning and into the evening and then they spent the night at my mom and dad's. Sean and I arrived home around 6:00 p.m. and we enjoyed a VERY yummy meal that a friend had prepared for us. Considering I had not eaten since 7:00 pm the night before...well, I had to restrain myself from eating the whole thing!!!
Dr. R. has added a port access a few inches below my collar bone on the right side. This will allow easier access for the nurses when its time for chemotherapy. It will also save the veins in my right arm. Some of the extra tissue and some skin on my left breast were also removed (for more info on that you can refer back to my entry 'Details, not for the Faint of Heart.') And praise the Lord, He took care of my seroma that had developed from my previous surgery, so that it did not need to be drained. Overall, I think I will recover much more quickly from this procedure.
Sadly, I'm missing out on today's Christmas Celebration with Sean's side of the family. Sean is on his way now to pick up the boys at my mom's house and drive south for a couple of hours. Thankfully, my mom and one of my sisters will be popping in today to check on me and visit with me. In the long run, the quiet time will be good for me, and may help in a quicker recovery so that I can really enjoy Christmas Day at our home.
Normally, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. I'd much rather sleep until 7:30 or 8:00. But this morning....the morning that I didn't have any kids at home to wake me up (you see, it's not uncommon for at least one of them to stroll into our room and crawl onto my side of the bed around 6:30), well, this morning I was awakened at 6:30. After several minutes of attempting to go back to my sweet repose, I finally got out of bed, came downstairs, and spent some time devotional time with the Lord.
Today's message was on 'The Gift of Support' and the bible reading was from Exodus 17:8-16. The gist of the lesson was this: 'When we refuse to allow anyone to share our personal battles, we risk two negative consequences: (1) We often lengthen the battle. (2)When we do not ask for support, we cheat others of the joy of victory.' You see, God delights in allowing us the privilege of experiencing spiritual victories....together. So, once again, I thank you for being a part of this journey...this battle...with me. I thank those of you who hold up my hands when I can no longer do it on my own. I thank those who are on the battle field with me....those ladies who have gone before me in this fight and who lovingly share their lives and experiences with me, those who are helping me make the best informed decisions that I can, and those whose prayers continue to go before my Lord.
To end, I want to share a song the boys and I like to sing. (I called them up on their journey south, because I couldn't remember all the words....how sweet, to hear my boys sing these words to me!)
The victory is mine when the battle is the Lord's.....Hosanna, Hosanna
No enemy can stand when His praise goes forth.......Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna.....He's won the victory
Hosanna.....Over ALL our enemies
Hosanna.....We lift our hands in praise
Hosanna.....We'll conquer in His name
Repeat
Dr. R. has added a port access a few inches below my collar bone on the right side. This will allow easier access for the nurses when its time for chemotherapy. It will also save the veins in my right arm. Some of the extra tissue and some skin on my left breast were also removed (for more info on that you can refer back to my entry 'Details, not for the Faint of Heart.') And praise the Lord, He took care of my seroma that had developed from my previous surgery, so that it did not need to be drained. Overall, I think I will recover much more quickly from this procedure.
Sadly, I'm missing out on today's Christmas Celebration with Sean's side of the family. Sean is on his way now to pick up the boys at my mom's house and drive south for a couple of hours. Thankfully, my mom and one of my sisters will be popping in today to check on me and visit with me. In the long run, the quiet time will be good for me, and may help in a quicker recovery so that I can really enjoy Christmas Day at our home.
Normally, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. I'd much rather sleep until 7:30 or 8:00. But this morning....the morning that I didn't have any kids at home to wake me up (you see, it's not uncommon for at least one of them to stroll into our room and crawl onto my side of the bed around 6:30), well, this morning I was awakened at 6:30. After several minutes of attempting to go back to my sweet repose, I finally got out of bed, came downstairs, and spent some time devotional time with the Lord.
Today's message was on 'The Gift of Support' and the bible reading was from Exodus 17:8-16. The gist of the lesson was this: 'When we refuse to allow anyone to share our personal battles, we risk two negative consequences: (1) We often lengthen the battle. (2)When we do not ask for support, we cheat others of the joy of victory.' You see, God delights in allowing us the privilege of experiencing spiritual victories....together. So, once again, I thank you for being a part of this journey...this battle...with me. I thank those of you who hold up my hands when I can no longer do it on my own. I thank those who are on the battle field with me....those ladies who have gone before me in this fight and who lovingly share their lives and experiences with me, those who are helping me make the best informed decisions that I can, and those whose prayers continue to go before my Lord.
To end, I want to share a song the boys and I like to sing. (I called them up on their journey south, because I couldn't remember all the words....how sweet, to hear my boys sing these words to me!)
The victory is mine when the battle is the Lord's.....Hosanna, Hosanna
No enemy can stand when His praise goes forth.......Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna.....He's won the victory
Hosanna.....Over ALL our enemies
Hosanna.....We lift our hands in praise
Hosanna.....We'll conquer in His name
Repeat
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
It's Game Time
Two of my favorite people of ALL time were my high school varsity basketball coach and assistant varsity coach, Mr. G and Mr. H.
Before game time Mr. G would do everything in his power to have his girls ready for the game. He analyzed the other team, he discovered their strengths and their weakness. He did this many days (probably even weeks) before game day. Then during practices we'd spend hours learning how to defeat the opposing team. We were truly just an average team. We didn't have much extra height, we didn't have great speed (especially me!), and only a couple of us could really jump (and I wasn't one of them). But he taught us how to use the skills we had, he taught us how to be competitive when we were facing a fast team and how to survive when facing the 'giants.' We listened. We learned. We practiced. Why? Because Mr. G knew his stuff and we had the internal desire to win. We trusted him. We were a team (as he used to say, there is no 'I' in team.) Most importantly, we knew that underneath all of that planning and all of that strategy, Mr. G cared about us.
Mr. H was always there to help us. While Mr. G excelled in strategy and in preparing us for game day, Mr. H excelled in getting us through the day. Remember, this was a team of teenage girls going through teenage life. Mr. H was our heart. He had this keen ability of noticing when one of us had 'something' weighing heavy on our minds. He had this way of meandering over to us (whether we were in the middle of stretching, taking a moment between drills, or getting a drink of water) and getting to the 'heart' of the matter.
Together those two men were quite a successful pair! They are forever in my heart. My senior year they took our average team to the Final 8 in the state. Were were facing 'giants' and 'roadrunners' left and right. We were stretched to the limits of our abilities. We worked hard and we played hard, and despite not coming out as the #1 team, we were winners.
You're probably wondering what all this has to do with my journey with breast cancer. Well, yesterday, I felt like I was 'back in the game,' back in that high school locker room getting last minute instructions from Mr. G on how our team was going to defeat the opponent. You see, I had my first appointment with an oncologist (Dr. B). When Sean and I entered, it was hard not to notice the portable easel with a dry erase board sitting in the middle of the room. After introductions, Dr. B went to work on the whiteboard. He was drawing diagrams and outlining his strategy to combat my breast cancer. I am a visual learner and I like details, so Dr. B's approach settled well with my spirit. Everything I had read and researched was coming to life on that whiteboard. Admittedly, I'm not completely sold on his aggressive plans which include a full gamut of chemo (adriamyacin, cytoxan, taxol, herceptin) and further surgery (removal of my ovaries), but I did like his approach and his manner. I could tell that along with all his planning and strategy, he still cared about me as a person.
Fighting breast cancer isn't exactly like playing basketball, but there are some similarities. I still want to be on a good team: a team who looks ahead and beyond the next game, a team who knows the strengths and weaknesses of its opponents, a team who cares about one another and who can trust one another, team members who will willingly meander over and get to the heart of the matter. I really liked Dr. B's team, but wisdom tells me to seek the advice of one more oncologist before I make a decision. And that is what I'll do. Thankfully, I already have some excellent team members....friends and family who are praying for me, who are helping me research, who are sending encouraging cards/emails/phone calls, who genuinely care and want to be a part of this battle with me. For that, I am forever grateful. I continue to put my trust in my Heavenly Father. He is the ultimate Athletic Director :). He knows the beginning from the end. I continue to seek his guidance as I search for a Head Coach.
'May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.' Romans 15:13
'In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.' Romans 8:37,38
Before game time Mr. G would do everything in his power to have his girls ready for the game. He analyzed the other team, he discovered their strengths and their weakness. He did this many days (probably even weeks) before game day. Then during practices we'd spend hours learning how to defeat the opposing team. We were truly just an average team. We didn't have much extra height, we didn't have great speed (especially me!), and only a couple of us could really jump (and I wasn't one of them). But he taught us how to use the skills we had, he taught us how to be competitive when we were facing a fast team and how to survive when facing the 'giants.' We listened. We learned. We practiced. Why? Because Mr. G knew his stuff and we had the internal desire to win. We trusted him. We were a team (as he used to say, there is no 'I' in team.) Most importantly, we knew that underneath all of that planning and all of that strategy, Mr. G cared about us.
Mr. H was always there to help us. While Mr. G excelled in strategy and in preparing us for game day, Mr. H excelled in getting us through the day. Remember, this was a team of teenage girls going through teenage life. Mr. H was our heart. He had this keen ability of noticing when one of us had 'something' weighing heavy on our minds. He had this way of meandering over to us (whether we were in the middle of stretching, taking a moment between drills, or getting a drink of water) and getting to the 'heart' of the matter.
Together those two men were quite a successful pair! They are forever in my heart. My senior year they took our average team to the Final 8 in the state. Were were facing 'giants' and 'roadrunners' left and right. We were stretched to the limits of our abilities. We worked hard and we played hard, and despite not coming out as the #1 team, we were winners.
You're probably wondering what all this has to do with my journey with breast cancer. Well, yesterday, I felt like I was 'back in the game,' back in that high school locker room getting last minute instructions from Mr. G on how our team was going to defeat the opponent. You see, I had my first appointment with an oncologist (Dr. B). When Sean and I entered, it was hard not to notice the portable easel with a dry erase board sitting in the middle of the room. After introductions, Dr. B went to work on the whiteboard. He was drawing diagrams and outlining his strategy to combat my breast cancer. I am a visual learner and I like details, so Dr. B's approach settled well with my spirit. Everything I had read and researched was coming to life on that whiteboard. Admittedly, I'm not completely sold on his aggressive plans which include a full gamut of chemo (adriamyacin, cytoxan, taxol, herceptin) and further surgery (removal of my ovaries), but I did like his approach and his manner. I could tell that along with all his planning and strategy, he still cared about me as a person.
Fighting breast cancer isn't exactly like playing basketball, but there are some similarities. I still want to be on a good team: a team who looks ahead and beyond the next game, a team who knows the strengths and weaknesses of its opponents, a team who cares about one another and who can trust one another, team members who will willingly meander over and get to the heart of the matter. I really liked Dr. B's team, but wisdom tells me to seek the advice of one more oncologist before I make a decision. And that is what I'll do. Thankfully, I already have some excellent team members....friends and family who are praying for me, who are helping me research, who are sending encouraging cards/emails/phone calls, who genuinely care and want to be a part of this battle with me. For that, I am forever grateful. I continue to put my trust in my Heavenly Father. He is the ultimate Athletic Director :). He knows the beginning from the end. I continue to seek his guidance as I search for a Head Coach.
'May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.' Romans 15:13
'In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.' Romans 8:37,38
Sunday, December 16, 2007
My Chains Are Gone
Crazy as it may seem, I returned to work this weekend. My surgeon cleared me to do so, but I wasn't so sure. I'd developed a seroma, a pocket of fluid that sometimes collects in the armpit after lymph nodes are removed. Typically, these resolve on their own, but sometimes the surgeon has to go back in to drain it.
For some reason, last Tuesday, the seroma had swelled to nearly the size of a tennis ball. I sat at our school table trying to teach my 3rd son his reading lessons. He was whining and complaining and I sat there unable to even rest my arm against my body because of the pain. Before I could stop them, the tears began to flow down my cheeks. Initially my son thought I was crying because of his misbehavior, but when he realized that it was because I was in pain, he started reading his words without difficulty. We sat there together. He read his words, and I continued to silently cry. As strange as it may seem, it was a precious time for him and me. A moment that I think neither of us will forget.
As the weekend approached, the swelling decreased to about the size of a golf ball and the pain was controlled with Motrin. I left for work, knowing that God would take care of me, but I just wasn't sure how! Well, He did not fail! Here's a look at his unending love, through my eyes:
As I pulled out of the driveway on Saturday, it was just beginning to snow. The roads weren't too slippery. Once in the parking lot at work, a beautiful song by Chris Tomlin (a remake of John Newton's Amazing Grace) came on the radio. I parked the car, closed my eyes and sang out with all my heart those beautiful words. Work itself went well. My arm ached on occasion, but it never really hurt. In fact, the swelling continued to diminish throughout the day and I had more range of motion in my shoulder by the day's end. (Did I mention that I'd forgotten to take my Motrin that morning?) I was able to see some co-workers that I'd not seen in awhile...and they were very encouraging to me. The weather outside may have been frightful to some, but it was glorious to me. I felt like I was in a snow globe. Every time I passed a window the snow continued to gently fall. When it was time to come home, the snow had stopped, the roads were clear, and the drive was smooth. I spent the day doing something that I love, I helped some people and they helped me, and it felt good. One more thing...when I got home, my wonderful, thoughtful husband had a delicious meal in the oven. The dinner was SO good that my 4 year old, who's pretty picky when it comes to food, gobbled it up without a complaint!!!
Life gets hard. How can we we really know what's around the bend? What do we do when we are faced with trials? I trust in the Lord. He is ALWAYS faithful. HE is ALWAYS FAITHFUL. I am not bound by my circumstances. I am not afraid. I am free. (2 Corinthians 3:17b...and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.)
Here are the words to the song I sang Saturday morning. I wish I could include the music...it's SO good!!! A new sound to an old favorite:
Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
Chorus:
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, My Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
Chorus
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
For some reason, last Tuesday, the seroma had swelled to nearly the size of a tennis ball. I sat at our school table trying to teach my 3rd son his reading lessons. He was whining and complaining and I sat there unable to even rest my arm against my body because of the pain. Before I could stop them, the tears began to flow down my cheeks. Initially my son thought I was crying because of his misbehavior, but when he realized that it was because I was in pain, he started reading his words without difficulty. We sat there together. He read his words, and I continued to silently cry. As strange as it may seem, it was a precious time for him and me. A moment that I think neither of us will forget.
As the weekend approached, the swelling decreased to about the size of a golf ball and the pain was controlled with Motrin. I left for work, knowing that God would take care of me, but I just wasn't sure how! Well, He did not fail! Here's a look at his unending love, through my eyes:
As I pulled out of the driveway on Saturday, it was just beginning to snow. The roads weren't too slippery. Once in the parking lot at work, a beautiful song by Chris Tomlin (a remake of John Newton's Amazing Grace) came on the radio. I parked the car, closed my eyes and sang out with all my heart those beautiful words. Work itself went well. My arm ached on occasion, but it never really hurt. In fact, the swelling continued to diminish throughout the day and I had more range of motion in my shoulder by the day's end. (Did I mention that I'd forgotten to take my Motrin that morning?) I was able to see some co-workers that I'd not seen in awhile...and they were very encouraging to me. The weather outside may have been frightful to some, but it was glorious to me. I felt like I was in a snow globe. Every time I passed a window the snow continued to gently fall. When it was time to come home, the snow had stopped, the roads were clear, and the drive was smooth. I spent the day doing something that I love, I helped some people and they helped me, and it felt good. One more thing...when I got home, my wonderful, thoughtful husband had a delicious meal in the oven. The dinner was SO good that my 4 year old, who's pretty picky when it comes to food, gobbled it up without a complaint!!!
Life gets hard. How can we we really know what's around the bend? What do we do when we are faced with trials? I trust in the Lord. He is ALWAYS faithful. HE is ALWAYS FAITHFUL. I am not bound by my circumstances. I am not afraid. I am free. (2 Corinthians 3:17b...and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.)
Here are the words to the song I sang Saturday morning. I wish I could include the music...it's SO good!!! A new sound to an old favorite:
Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
Chorus:
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, My Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
Chorus
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Confessions of an Undisciplined Life
I admire those who have self-discipline, expecially those who exercise regularly and eat healthy. Those who take the time to do what is right for their bodies, even if it requires getting up earlier, driving across town for just the right ingredient, and taking extra time to prepare healthy meals. I am not one of those people.
Sure, I have self-discipline in other areas....sometimes. I drive in the correct lane on the highway just like the signs tell me. I resist the urges to yell when my kids are pushing 'ALL' of my buttons (but, I admit, I don't always win that battle). I try to respond rather than react to situations. I'm even known to finish what I start.
Still, for the last few years I've had a saying hanging over my head every time I reach for another soda and every time I ignore my body's need for more exercise and better eating. It goes something like, 'We change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.' Well, I've reached my peak of pain in staying the same and I'm ready for some changes. I'm sure I won't be mastering all of this with 'flying colors.' I'm sure I'll fail at many of my attempts. But it's worth a try. Hey, I've already given up soda. I've been soda-free for 3 weeks now! Now, that's something.
Making changes won't guarantee that cancer will stay away. But that's not my motivation. My desire is to have the energy and the strength to play a good round of golf with my boys when they are of 'golfing' age AND walk the course, to play a fun pick up game of 3 on 3 basketball in the driveway, to take long bike rides, to climb some mountains......my desires are written in a cute saying above my fireplace....LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH!! While I walk on this earth, I want to live Deuteronomy 6:5-6 before my children. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads (To me, this means they will see me walking out my faith in both action and thought). Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."
And so, it begins!
"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love." IIPeter 1:5-7
Sure, I have self-discipline in other areas....sometimes. I drive in the correct lane on the highway just like the signs tell me. I resist the urges to yell when my kids are pushing 'ALL' of my buttons (but, I admit, I don't always win that battle). I try to respond rather than react to situations. I'm even known to finish what I start.
Still, for the last few years I've had a saying hanging over my head every time I reach for another soda and every time I ignore my body's need for more exercise and better eating. It goes something like, 'We change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.' Well, I've reached my peak of pain in staying the same and I'm ready for some changes. I'm sure I won't be mastering all of this with 'flying colors.' I'm sure I'll fail at many of my attempts. But it's worth a try. Hey, I've already given up soda. I've been soda-free for 3 weeks now! Now, that's something.
Making changes won't guarantee that cancer will stay away. But that's not my motivation. My desire is to have the energy and the strength to play a good round of golf with my boys when they are of 'golfing' age AND walk the course, to play a fun pick up game of 3 on 3 basketball in the driveway, to take long bike rides, to climb some mountains......my desires are written in a cute saying above my fireplace....LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH!! While I walk on this earth, I want to live Deuteronomy 6:5-6 before my children. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads (To me, this means they will see me walking out my faith in both action and thought). Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."
And so, it begins!
"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love." IIPeter 1:5-7
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Details (not for the faint of heart :))
I've had several inquiries regarding my doctor's visit last week. So I'll give everyone an update on what I know at this point.....if you're not into the details, just skip to the last paragraph :).
First some background: When a surgeon removes a tumor from the breast, she never sees the tumor. She keeps a cushion of good tissue between the knife and the tumor. Then she sends the entire bundle to the pathologist. The best result is that there are no cancer cells on the surface of the good tissue, or even close the the edges (margins) of the good tissue.
During surgery, my surgeon discovered that part of the tumor was very close to my skin. But the pathologist report shows that it was closer than she had first expected. There was also a separate ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) near the outer margin of the good tissue. DCIS's are not truly cancer, but are considered pre-cancerous. So, she would like to go back in for a second surgery which would remove a bit of the skin which was close to the tumor and more of the breast tissue where the DCIS was. At this time, the possible date for this would be the Wednesday or Friday before Christmas.
Because the lymph nodes are negative, I am considered Stage 1. That is good news! The biggest concern, however, is the type of cells that were growing in the tumor (Estrogen/Progestrone positive, Her2/FISH positive). Cancer cells can spread both through the lymphatic system and the circulatory system. I've been researching some of this on my own, but I pressed my surgeon for more information. I want to be as prepared as I can with questions when I meet with the oncologist. From my surgeon's experience, she expects that the oncologist will recommend 6 treatments of chemotherapy (possibly taxol, cytoxan, and herceptin over a 12 week period), followed by radiation for 6 weeks, followed by a year of Herceptin (a chemo drug given every other week) and 5 years of Tamoxifen (a pill taken once/day). Of course, she's not certain since she's not an oncologist. The only reason she gave me this information was because I pressed her for the information (I add this so that anyone reading this doesn't get upset with her.)
Through the research I've done, I expected that they would recommend chemotherapy of some type. So this news was not a complete shock to me. I apologize to those family members and friends who may have felt mislead by my use of the words 'very treatable.' But the truth is this is VERY treatable. That is how I see it. Hey, who knows what the oncologist may say when I see him next week? Maybe he'll have some alternative ideas, or another perspective. Regardless of what he says, I know that I am in God's hands. I continue to rest in Him.
Well, I've given a lot of details. I think it's better to keep you informed than to have you wondering what's going on. I've shared a lot of my thoughts and those of my surgeon, but I want to end with these words from Isaiah 55:8-12, concerning the Lord I serve.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. YOU will go out in JOY and be led forth in PEACE; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."
First some background: When a surgeon removes a tumor from the breast, she never sees the tumor. She keeps a cushion of good tissue between the knife and the tumor. Then she sends the entire bundle to the pathologist. The best result is that there are no cancer cells on the surface of the good tissue, or even close the the edges (margins) of the good tissue.
During surgery, my surgeon discovered that part of the tumor was very close to my skin. But the pathologist report shows that it was closer than she had first expected. There was also a separate ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) near the outer margin of the good tissue. DCIS's are not truly cancer, but are considered pre-cancerous. So, she would like to go back in for a second surgery which would remove a bit of the skin which was close to the tumor and more of the breast tissue where the DCIS was. At this time, the possible date for this would be the Wednesday or Friday before Christmas.
Because the lymph nodes are negative, I am considered Stage 1. That is good news! The biggest concern, however, is the type of cells that were growing in the tumor (Estrogen/Progestrone positive, Her2/FISH positive). Cancer cells can spread both through the lymphatic system and the circulatory system. I've been researching some of this on my own, but I pressed my surgeon for more information. I want to be as prepared as I can with questions when I meet with the oncologist. From my surgeon's experience, she expects that the oncologist will recommend 6 treatments of chemotherapy (possibly taxol, cytoxan, and herceptin over a 12 week period), followed by radiation for 6 weeks, followed by a year of Herceptin (a chemo drug given every other week) and 5 years of Tamoxifen (a pill taken once/day). Of course, she's not certain since she's not an oncologist. The only reason she gave me this information was because I pressed her for the information (I add this so that anyone reading this doesn't get upset with her.)
Through the research I've done, I expected that they would recommend chemotherapy of some type. So this news was not a complete shock to me. I apologize to those family members and friends who may have felt mislead by my use of the words 'very treatable.' But the truth is this is VERY treatable. That is how I see it. Hey, who knows what the oncologist may say when I see him next week? Maybe he'll have some alternative ideas, or another perspective. Regardless of what he says, I know that I am in God's hands. I continue to rest in Him.
Well, I've given a lot of details. I think it's better to keep you informed than to have you wondering what's going on. I've shared a lot of my thoughts and those of my surgeon, but I want to end with these words from Isaiah 55:8-12, concerning the Lord I serve.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. YOU will go out in JOY and be led forth in PEACE; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
The Advocate
For those who are wondering what's next for me, the answer is, "I don't know yet." There are some pathology reports still in process and doctor visits to be made. It could be another 2 weeks or so before I even know what the doctor's will suggest. So, in the meantime, I am waiting. I am still.....but not really.
Anyone who knows me, knows that my brain rarely ever turns off. Always thinking, always investigating, always wondering. I don't mind. It is how God designed me and it is who I am.
Have you ever taken a personality test? I have. Many, in fact. Everytime I read the results I have a sense of uncertainty. 'Is this me? This synopsis is supposed to sum me up in a nutshell, but it sure doesn't sound like me.' I realize that we are all unique. One test can't summarize who we are. I understand that. But even in those simple personality tests, I've never really connected with my suppposed 'self.'
It wasn't until a couple of months ago, after taking yet another 'personality' test, that I had an 'a-ha' moment. 'Hey, I think I resemble this one!" An Advocate. Hmm. Little phrases like, 'Advocates tend to: support the underdog and think through both sides of an issue. They have difficulty making decisions unless their boundaries are very clearly defined. Their peacemaking will focus on the people involved, not just the issue. They are willing to intercede for another on their behalf.' All of these resonated with me. Many of you may think this is silly. You may know exactly who you are. You don't need a test to tell you. I admire you, if that is so. But for some reason, this test has made a world of difference to me.
Even in the midst of breast cancer, I see my advocate-like qualities spring forth. I've been investigating my options by looking at both sides of the issue (conventional medical treatment vs. non-conventional treatment). I've been trying to define my boundaries (what short term results do I hope for, what long term results do I pray for, what really needs to be accomplished this day).
I've even supported the underdog..... Like the night my husband and I decided to tell the boys about my diagnosis. I'd gathered all the boys together and waited paitiently for my man to come in. Yet he lingered in the kitchen. He knew we had to leave in 10 minutes and still he did not come. The phone rang and I went to answer it. When I returned, he was sitting on the couch with all the boys. So, I sat down. Now was the time. I waited for him to tell them. He didn't say anything. I waited longer. (I even gave him the raised eyebrow look that says, 'Well, aren't you going to tell them?') Still nothing. Finally I said, 'Honey???' He said, 'I already told them.' ...WHAT?... He told them when I was gone. Well, that's not the way it was supposed to be!!! I was initially upset, but it dawned on me. Sometimes things aren't really real until they are spoken. Do you know what I mean? This was the first time for him to say it, to really speak it. He wanted to be strong. Strong for me. Strong for the boys. That might not have happened had I been sitting there with him. He handled it the best way he could in that moment, and I love him for that. Had I not thought it through, had I not looked at the situation from his point of view, or had I stayed upset with the moment not turning out the the way I wanted it to.....well, I'd probably still be upset with him. Wouldn't that be sad? Boy, do I love my man!! I'm glad I'm an advocate.
You know, in the next few weeks, there will be a lot to process, a lot to think through, a lot of issues to look at (from many angles). Decisions will need to be made. Decisions which aren't about a general issue. These are decisions which will effect me and the people that I hold most dear to my heart. We may make decisions that some will applaud, and that others will question. I only ask that while these decisions are being made, you will be an advocate for me. Please, intercede for me and my family.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thankgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
Anyone who knows me, knows that my brain rarely ever turns off. Always thinking, always investigating, always wondering. I don't mind. It is how God designed me and it is who I am.
Have you ever taken a personality test? I have. Many, in fact. Everytime I read the results I have a sense of uncertainty. 'Is this me? This synopsis is supposed to sum me up in a nutshell, but it sure doesn't sound like me.' I realize that we are all unique. One test can't summarize who we are. I understand that. But even in those simple personality tests, I've never really connected with my suppposed 'self.'
It wasn't until a couple of months ago, after taking yet another 'personality' test, that I had an 'a-ha' moment. 'Hey, I think I resemble this one!" An Advocate. Hmm. Little phrases like, 'Advocates tend to: support the underdog and think through both sides of an issue. They have difficulty making decisions unless their boundaries are very clearly defined. Their peacemaking will focus on the people involved, not just the issue. They are willing to intercede for another on their behalf.' All of these resonated with me. Many of you may think this is silly. You may know exactly who you are. You don't need a test to tell you. I admire you, if that is so. But for some reason, this test has made a world of difference to me.
Even in the midst of breast cancer, I see my advocate-like qualities spring forth. I've been investigating my options by looking at both sides of the issue (conventional medical treatment vs. non-conventional treatment). I've been trying to define my boundaries (what short term results do I hope for, what long term results do I pray for, what really needs to be accomplished this day).
I've even supported the underdog..... Like the night my husband and I decided to tell the boys about my diagnosis. I'd gathered all the boys together and waited paitiently for my man to come in. Yet he lingered in the kitchen. He knew we had to leave in 10 minutes and still he did not come. The phone rang and I went to answer it. When I returned, he was sitting on the couch with all the boys. So, I sat down. Now was the time. I waited for him to tell them. He didn't say anything. I waited longer. (I even gave him the raised eyebrow look that says, 'Well, aren't you going to tell them?') Still nothing. Finally I said, 'Honey???' He said, 'I already told them.' ...WHAT?... He told them when I was gone. Well, that's not the way it was supposed to be!!! I was initially upset, but it dawned on me. Sometimes things aren't really real until they are spoken. Do you know what I mean? This was the first time for him to say it, to really speak it. He wanted to be strong. Strong for me. Strong for the boys. That might not have happened had I been sitting there with him. He handled it the best way he could in that moment, and I love him for that. Had I not thought it through, had I not looked at the situation from his point of view, or had I stayed upset with the moment not turning out the the way I wanted it to.....well, I'd probably still be upset with him. Wouldn't that be sad? Boy, do I love my man!! I'm glad I'm an advocate.
You know, in the next few weeks, there will be a lot to process, a lot to think through, a lot of issues to look at (from many angles). Decisions will need to be made. Decisions which aren't about a general issue. These are decisions which will effect me and the people that I hold most dear to my heart. We may make decisions that some will applaud, and that others will question. I only ask that while these decisions are being made, you will be an advocate for me. Please, intercede for me and my family.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thankgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
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