I Just Can't Wait........

Nine years ago, I had an entirely different perspective on life. At that time I'd completed college, been married for 4 years, had a twelve month old, had gone from a full-time to a part-time employee as a physical therapist......and I'm pretty sure I was 'just' pregnant with our second son.....(it was too early for any over the counter test to prove that). I mention all of this to give you an idea of where I was and how I thought about things. Mostly, my thoughts were always toward my earthy future....with not much appreciation for my present circumstances.......My thoughts would often look like this:

I JUST CAN'T WAIT UNTIL:
.......my kids get into elementary school so I can go back to full time work.
.......my son will be out of diapers.
.......Sean and I are empty-nesters.
.......I can get new carpet in this old house.
......Spencer is asleep......I just have to have some time to myself.


Everyone has pivotal moments of change in his or her life. I don't think it escapes anyone.....it just happens to us at different ages, through different circumstances, and with varying amounts of change...these moments can affect us physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.

Nine years ago on this day (January 18th) my family lost a very dear and precious loved one. My niece, Jennifer, a passenger in a friend's car, was tragically and instantly killed in a car accident on the way home from school on an icy wintry day. She was seventeen, the oldest of three children to my eldest sister and brother-in-law, the first grandchild on both sides of her family, the first great grandchild and the first great-great grandchild on our side of the family, and my very first niece (I was 10 when she was born and I always thought of her as my younger baby sister). But none of that really tells her life story....tells who she was...how she was.....what she did.....how she did it.

Jennifer was treasured. She was a delight. No one woke up that morning and said, "This is our last day with Jennifer." Why would we? She was a healthy, thriving, active seventeen year old. After her death, our old memories and recent experiences with her and statements she had made would quickly be a comfort to many. We recalled singing karaoke to FFH's song, "One of These Days," over and over again, just a few weeks earlier during the New Year's Holiday (when we were blizzard-in at my second sister's home in Lafayette). We took pictures. We laughed and even cried some. To this day I still cry when I hear that song and I look forward to our reunion. We were told how Jennifer had been the lead speaker at her youth group the night before the accident. She had told her peers that she was confident that if she died tomorrow, she knew she would be in heaven. We were reminded of the Point of Grace Song, "Jesus Will Still Be There," that Jennifer sang at an event at school earlier in the year. Someone taped her singing it......every year or so....I watch it again. It makes me cry but I love to watch it.......to see her again.

On the day of her funeral, there were over 1200 people in attendance. At the conclusion of the service, over 300 people of all ages came forward and re-dedicated their lives to Jesus Christ and 7 students gave their heart to Christ for the first time. What a testimony!

I love Jennifer. I miss her. Many people miss her. Today is also Jennifer's mom's, my oldest sister's, birthday. Her birthday has never been the same since January 18th, 1999. I don't need to explain how difficult this day can be for her.....for my brother-in-law......her siblings. They miss her, too. Our grief will continue....in different ways....at different times....at different levels.......until we see her again.

Today, I reflect on how her death has impacted my life. For the past nine years I've gradually been in 'process'....my thoughts have changed. I occasionally will find myself thinking as I used to, but it's not very often.....and it usually doesn't last for very long. Today, my thoughts are more like this:

I HOPE TODAY I CAN....
.....Cuddle with my boys....they won't be little forever.
.....Be a Light for Jesus Christ.....who will I meet, what we can learn from each other, who I can share a smile with, or maybe even a word of encouragement.
.....Tell someone I love them, Kiss my husband, Hug my children.
.....Treasure the moments, and not be in too much of a hurry.
.....Make a difference, grow, learn from my mistakes, be gracious to myself and to others when we fail.
.....Be Real.

Seriously.....I don't have these things all figured out. I don't do it as I should most of the time....but it is my heart's desire...My life perspective changed on January 18, 1999, when I was abruptly reminded that we do not know what a new day will bring. We can plan. We can hope. It's really up to each of us how we choose to walk out each day.....a day that we did not create....a day that is a gift. Each day is a gift. My desire is that God will 'satisfy us in the morning with His unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Ps 90:14' My prayer is that the 'God of hope will fill [us] with all joy and peace as [we] trust in him, so that [we] may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13.'

Today I had my second round of chemotherapy.....and all I could think about was Jennifer....all I could think was......

I JUST CAN'T WAIT to tell you about her!

I give God the glory and praise for giving me the energy to do that after a long day. I've had no back pain....no nausea.....no fatigue.....just an overwhelming desire to share her with you!

I found a link to a music videos of one of the songs I mentioned above. FFH, One of These Days: http://music.yahoo.com/ar-290319-videos--FFH

I dedicate this entry to Jennifer......who taught me so much in her short time here with us. I look forward to seeing you again.

And to my sister and brother-in-law, Kelly and Mike....who, through their example, showed me what a daily walk with God looks like in the midst of difficulties. I love you, both. God's joy and peace on your birthday, Sis!

And to Jake and Alicia.....I see Jennifer in each of you at different times. And it makes me smile. But mostly, I see two young adults who God uniquely created and uniquely gifted. I am so proud of you and I love you, both!