Okay, this is a bit silly, but I thought I'd share it anyway. I find humor very therapeutic. I hope you can laugh with me, too. I was told that I should know what my hair will do somewhere between day 10 and day 14 from my first chemo treatment. So the question is.......Will it stay or will it go, now? (yes, you have to sing that just like the lyrics, 'Will I stay or will I go now?')
ODE TO MY HAIR
Today is the day
My dear nurse did say
That I may start losing my hair.
I haven't a clue
What it will do.
I wonder, and try not to care.
As I wait patiently
To see what will be
Of my curly-top up on my head.
I'll be not afraid
For the Lord God He made
Me to lay with sweet sleep on my bed.
But should I wake up
With my hair in a clump
On my pillow......instead of my crown.
I'll lift my head high
(After a really good cry)
And I'll walk with a smile, not a frown.
******
This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down your sleep will be sweet. Proverbs 3:24
A cheerful heart is good medicine.... Proverbs 17:22
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
I Just Can't Wait........
Nine years ago, I had an entirely different perspective on life. At that time I'd completed college, been married for 4 years, had a twelve month old, had gone from a full-time to a part-time employee as a physical therapist......and I'm pretty sure I was 'just' pregnant with our second son.....(it was too early for any over the counter test to prove that). I mention all of this to give you an idea of where I was and how I thought about things. Mostly, my thoughts were always toward my earthy future....with not much appreciation for my present circumstances.......My thoughts would often look like this:
I JUST CAN'T WAIT UNTIL:
.......my kids get into elementary school so I can go back to full time work.
.......my son will be out of diapers.
.......Sean and I are empty-nesters.
.......I can get new carpet in this old house.
......Spencer is asleep......I just have to have some time to myself.
Everyone has pivotal moments of change in his or her life. I don't think it escapes anyone.....it just happens to us at different ages, through different circumstances, and with varying amounts of change...these moments can affect us physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.
Nine years ago on this day (January 18th) my family lost a very dear and precious loved one. My niece, Jennifer, a passenger in a friend's car, was tragically and instantly killed in a car accident on the way home from school on an icy wintry day. She was seventeen, the oldest of three children to my eldest sister and brother-in-law, the first grandchild on both sides of her family, the first great grandchild and the first great-great grandchild on our side of the family, and my very first niece (I was 10 when she was born and I always thought of her as my younger baby sister). But none of that really tells her life story....tells who she was...how she was.....what she did.....how she did it.
Jennifer was treasured. She was a delight. No one woke up that morning and said, "This is our last day with Jennifer." Why would we? She was a healthy, thriving, active seventeen year old. After her death, our old memories and recent experiences with her and statements she had made would quickly be a comfort to many. We recalled singing karaoke to FFH's song, "One of These Days," over and over again, just a few weeks earlier during the New Year's Holiday (when we were blizzard-in at my second sister's home in Lafayette). We took pictures. We laughed and even cried some. To this day I still cry when I hear that song and I look forward to our reunion. We were told how Jennifer had been the lead speaker at her youth group the night before the accident. She had told her peers that she was confident that if she died tomorrow, she knew she would be in heaven. We were reminded of the Point of Grace Song, "Jesus Will Still Be There," that Jennifer sang at an event at school earlier in the year. Someone taped her singing it......every year or so....I watch it again. It makes me cry but I love to watch it.......to see her again.
On the day of her funeral, there were over 1200 people in attendance. At the conclusion of the service, over 300 people of all ages came forward and re-dedicated their lives to Jesus Christ and 7 students gave their heart to Christ for the first time. What a testimony!
I love Jennifer. I miss her. Many people miss her. Today is also Jennifer's mom's, my oldest sister's, birthday. Her birthday has never been the same since January 18th, 1999. I don't need to explain how difficult this day can be for her.....for my brother-in-law......her siblings. They miss her, too. Our grief will continue....in different ways....at different times....at different levels.......until we see her again.
Today, I reflect on how her death has impacted my life. For the past nine years I've gradually been in 'process'....my thoughts have changed. I occasionally will find myself thinking as I used to, but it's not very often.....and it usually doesn't last for very long. Today, my thoughts are more like this:
I HOPE TODAY I CAN....
.....Cuddle with my boys....they won't be little forever.
.....Be a Light for Jesus Christ.....who will I meet, what we can learn from each other, who I can share a smile with, or maybe even a word of encouragement.
.....Tell someone I love them, Kiss my husband, Hug my children.
.....Treasure the moments, and not be in too much of a hurry.
.....Make a difference, grow, learn from my mistakes, be gracious to myself and to others when we fail.
.....Be Real.
Seriously.....I don't have these things all figured out. I don't do it as I should most of the time....but it is my heart's desire...My life perspective changed on January 18, 1999, when I was abruptly reminded that we do not know what a new day will bring. We can plan. We can hope. It's really up to each of us how we choose to walk out each day.....a day that we did not create....a day that is a gift. Each day is a gift. My desire is that God will 'satisfy us in the morning with His unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Ps 90:14' My prayer is that the 'God of hope will fill [us] with all joy and peace as [we] trust in him, so that [we] may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13.'
Today I had my second round of chemotherapy.....and all I could think about was Jennifer....all I could think was......
I JUST CAN'T WAIT to tell you about her!
I give God the glory and praise for giving me the energy to do that after a long day. I've had no back pain....no nausea.....no fatigue.....just an overwhelming desire to share her with you!
I found a link to a music videos of one of the songs I mentioned above. FFH, One of These Days: http://music.yahoo.com/ar-290319-videos--FFH
I dedicate this entry to Jennifer......who taught me so much in her short time here with us. I look forward to seeing you again.
And to my sister and brother-in-law, Kelly and Mike....who, through their example, showed me what a daily walk with God looks like in the midst of difficulties. I love you, both. God's joy and peace on your birthday, Sis!
And to Jake and Alicia.....I see Jennifer in each of you at different times. And it makes me smile. But mostly, I see two young adults who God uniquely created and uniquely gifted. I am so proud of you and I love you, both!
I JUST CAN'T WAIT UNTIL:
.......my kids get into elementary school so I can go back to full time work.
.......my son will be out of diapers.
.......Sean and I are empty-nesters.
.......I can get new carpet in this old house.
......Spencer is asleep......I just have to have some time to myself.
Everyone has pivotal moments of change in his or her life. I don't think it escapes anyone.....it just happens to us at different ages, through different circumstances, and with varying amounts of change...these moments can affect us physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.
Nine years ago on this day (January 18th) my family lost a very dear and precious loved one. My niece, Jennifer, a passenger in a friend's car, was tragically and instantly killed in a car accident on the way home from school on an icy wintry day. She was seventeen, the oldest of three children to my eldest sister and brother-in-law, the first grandchild on both sides of her family, the first great grandchild and the first great-great grandchild on our side of the family, and my very first niece (I was 10 when she was born and I always thought of her as my younger baby sister). But none of that really tells her life story....tells who she was...how she was.....what she did.....how she did it.
Jennifer was treasured. She was a delight. No one woke up that morning and said, "This is our last day with Jennifer." Why would we? She was a healthy, thriving, active seventeen year old. After her death, our old memories and recent experiences with her and statements she had made would quickly be a comfort to many. We recalled singing karaoke to FFH's song, "One of These Days," over and over again, just a few weeks earlier during the New Year's Holiday (when we were blizzard-in at my second sister's home in Lafayette). We took pictures. We laughed and even cried some. To this day I still cry when I hear that song and I look forward to our reunion. We were told how Jennifer had been the lead speaker at her youth group the night before the accident. She had told her peers that she was confident that if she died tomorrow, she knew she would be in heaven. We were reminded of the Point of Grace Song, "Jesus Will Still Be There," that Jennifer sang at an event at school earlier in the year. Someone taped her singing it......every year or so....I watch it again. It makes me cry but I love to watch it.......to see her again.
On the day of her funeral, there were over 1200 people in attendance. At the conclusion of the service, over 300 people of all ages came forward and re-dedicated their lives to Jesus Christ and 7 students gave their heart to Christ for the first time. What a testimony!
I love Jennifer. I miss her. Many people miss her. Today is also Jennifer's mom's, my oldest sister's, birthday. Her birthday has never been the same since January 18th, 1999. I don't need to explain how difficult this day can be for her.....for my brother-in-law......her siblings. They miss her, too. Our grief will continue....in different ways....at different times....at different levels.......until we see her again.
Today, I reflect on how her death has impacted my life. For the past nine years I've gradually been in 'process'....my thoughts have changed. I occasionally will find myself thinking as I used to, but it's not very often.....and it usually doesn't last for very long. Today, my thoughts are more like this:
I HOPE TODAY I CAN....
.....Cuddle with my boys....they won't be little forever.
.....Be a Light for Jesus Christ.....who will I meet, what we can learn from each other, who I can share a smile with, or maybe even a word of encouragement.
.....Tell someone I love them, Kiss my husband, Hug my children.
.....Treasure the moments, and not be in too much of a hurry.
.....Make a difference, grow, learn from my mistakes, be gracious to myself and to others when we fail.
.....Be Real.
Seriously.....I don't have these things all figured out. I don't do it as I should most of the time....but it is my heart's desire...My life perspective changed on January 18, 1999, when I was abruptly reminded that we do not know what a new day will bring. We can plan. We can hope. It's really up to each of us how we choose to walk out each day.....a day that we did not create....a day that is a gift. Each day is a gift. My desire is that God will 'satisfy us in the morning with His unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Ps 90:14' My prayer is that the 'God of hope will fill [us] with all joy and peace as [we] trust in him, so that [we] may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13.'
Today I had my second round of chemotherapy.....and all I could think about was Jennifer....all I could think was......
I JUST CAN'T WAIT to tell you about her!
I give God the glory and praise for giving me the energy to do that after a long day. I've had no back pain....no nausea.....no fatigue.....just an overwhelming desire to share her with you!
I found a link to a music videos of one of the songs I mentioned above. FFH, One of These Days: http://music.yahoo.com/ar-290319-videos--FFH
I dedicate this entry to Jennifer......who taught me so much in her short time here with us. I look forward to seeing you again.
And to my sister and brother-in-law, Kelly and Mike....who, through their example, showed me what a daily walk with God looks like in the midst of difficulties. I love you, both. God's joy and peace on your birthday, Sis!
And to Jake and Alicia.....I see Jennifer in each of you at different times. And it makes me smile. But mostly, I see two young adults who God uniquely created and uniquely gifted. I am so proud of you and I love you, both!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tales of Jack, Piggy-Bottoms, and Big Ol' Noggins
Today, my older boys and I finished reading a biography of C.S. Lewis, known as Jack to those who loved him. I was surprised at how his story captivated their attention. As a young boy Jack loved to create pictures of animal-lands...first with his art and then with his writings. He and his older brother, Warnie, were close. It was in his youth that he knew that 'God was as real as the sunshine.' But as the circumstances of his life and the times around him changed, so did his belief. He faced the death of his mother, the separation of family.....and then later the terror, hardship and injuries from front line battles of World War I. Somewhere in the midst of those and other struggles, Jack lost his connection with God. He became an atheist. Yet, we found that God never stopped pursuing Jack. Through his studies and through his friendships he was drawn back to the faith of his youth. Eventually, he became one of the 'greatest Christian thinkers of the twentieth century.' (Hey, how's that for a book report? :))
What I find most interesting is how we came to read this book. We had already read the book scheduled for December, so we needed to find another book about someone from Europe. My friend had a stack of books from which to choose. Spencer picked one out. Having read the Chronicles of Narnia, he was drawn to C.S. Lewis. So we brought it home (in early November, before I was fully aware of my breast cancer diagnosis) and set it aside for later.
As a mother, I am acutely aware that my young boys do not comprehend the big picture....or even most of the little picture..... of breast cancer. I also know, that providing them too much information could be overwhelming. Part of the 'art' of parenting is being aware of 'teachable moments' that pop up in a day. I've been praying that God would bring these moments to me and the boys so that the flow of conversation about breast cancer would be more natural and more from the heart. Well, picking the biography of C.S. Lewis was not an accident. In the pages of his story, we discovered that many of Jack's loved ones had had cancer: his mother, his father, his favorite aunt, and his wife. Yesterday, my older three boys and I had the most wonderful conversation about life, about God's sovereignty, about faith......and about cancer. Yes, conversations about cancer will come up.....but not a conversation like the one we had, which was inspired by the story of C.S. Lewis. It was a God-orchestrated moment. I will treasure it always.
Of course, I have to mention the boys' most favorite part of Jack's life. In their youth, Jack and Warnie Lewis had created some interesting nicknames for each other.........Small-Piggy-Bottom for Jack and Archy-Piggy-Bottom for Warnie. Isn't that funny? The boys giggled every time they'd hear that exchange between the brothers. Now my boys are determined to find a good nickname for each other. I think I've found just the right one........................
Yesterday, my three sisters and I went wig shopping and had so much fun! I'm so thankful for sisters who can laugh in the midst of our struggles. It was very therapeutic for me. Still, as I attempted to try on my first wig, we discovered that I have a very large head. In fact we all do. We joked about opening up our own wig store and calling it The Big Ol' Noggin. Time will tell if it will even be necessary for me to purchase a wig as I've been told that I may not lose my hair. But at least I'm prepared if it should happen. I can thank my dad for my nice big noggin' ......and my oldest son can thank him, too. So, we've come up with a few nicknames that involve 'big-noggin's' and 'piggy-bottoms.' We're still working out the details............
P.S. Many have asked how I did after my first chemo treatment. I did experience some fatigue which was greatest from Sunday afternoon through Monday, as well as some off and on back pain through Tuesday. On Wednesday and Thursday I felt like my ol' self. I've been so blessed by the generosity of others. Psalms 139 tells us how special we are to God. And this is something that I know, and have felt. But when I see the tangible evidence of God's love poured out before me through the feet and hands of his children....it is quite overwhelming....in a very good way.
P.S.S. My six year old, Parker, had an ah-hah moment as we were in our third week of reading about C.S. Lewis. "So, let me see if I understand.....we're reading about the same person each time.....he's just getting older and bigger along the way. So, it's all about him." 'Yes,' I said. 'It makes you think, doesn't it, Parker? When you get older and someone decides to write your life story........what do you hope will be written in the pages of your book?'
What I find most interesting is how we came to read this book. We had already read the book scheduled for December, so we needed to find another book about someone from Europe. My friend had a stack of books from which to choose. Spencer picked one out. Having read the Chronicles of Narnia, he was drawn to C.S. Lewis. So we brought it home (in early November, before I was fully aware of my breast cancer diagnosis) and set it aside for later.
As a mother, I am acutely aware that my young boys do not comprehend the big picture....or even most of the little picture..... of breast cancer. I also know, that providing them too much information could be overwhelming. Part of the 'art' of parenting is being aware of 'teachable moments' that pop up in a day. I've been praying that God would bring these moments to me and the boys so that the flow of conversation about breast cancer would be more natural and more from the heart. Well, picking the biography of C.S. Lewis was not an accident. In the pages of his story, we discovered that many of Jack's loved ones had had cancer: his mother, his father, his favorite aunt, and his wife. Yesterday, my older three boys and I had the most wonderful conversation about life, about God's sovereignty, about faith......and about cancer. Yes, conversations about cancer will come up.....but not a conversation like the one we had, which was inspired by the story of C.S. Lewis. It was a God-orchestrated moment. I will treasure it always.
Of course, I have to mention the boys' most favorite part of Jack's life. In their youth, Jack and Warnie Lewis had created some interesting nicknames for each other.........Small-Piggy-Bottom for Jack and Archy-Piggy-Bottom for Warnie. Isn't that funny? The boys giggled every time they'd hear that exchange between the brothers. Now my boys are determined to find a good nickname for each other. I think I've found just the right one........................
Yesterday, my three sisters and I went wig shopping and had so much fun! I'm so thankful for sisters who can laugh in the midst of our struggles. It was very therapeutic for me. Still, as I attempted to try on my first wig, we discovered that I have a very large head. In fact we all do. We joked about opening up our own wig store and calling it The Big Ol' Noggin. Time will tell if it will even be necessary for me to purchase a wig as I've been told that I may not lose my hair. But at least I'm prepared if it should happen. I can thank my dad for my nice big noggin' ......and my oldest son can thank him, too. So, we've come up with a few nicknames that involve 'big-noggin's' and 'piggy-bottoms.' We're still working out the details............
P.S. Many have asked how I did after my first chemo treatment. I did experience some fatigue which was greatest from Sunday afternoon through Monday, as well as some off and on back pain through Tuesday. On Wednesday and Thursday I felt like my ol' self. I've been so blessed by the generosity of others. Psalms 139 tells us how special we are to God. And this is something that I know, and have felt. But when I see the tangible evidence of God's love poured out before me through the feet and hands of his children....it is quite overwhelming....in a very good way.
P.S.S. My six year old, Parker, had an ah-hah moment as we were in our third week of reading about C.S. Lewis. "So, let me see if I understand.....we're reading about the same person each time.....he's just getting older and bigger along the way. So, it's all about him." 'Yes,' I said. 'It makes you think, doesn't it, Parker? When you get older and someone decides to write your life story........what do you hope will be written in the pages of your book?'
Friday, January 11, 2008
Define Panacea
I had the most interesting day yesterday (Thursday). A few weeks after being diagnosed with breast cancer I received a call about participating in a clinical study about the cognitive effects of chemotherapy on breast cancer patients. Having a background in biology, I immediately was drawn into the idea. The study itself would have no impact on which treatment I chose, so there was no 'risk' involved.
If you haven't heard the slang term 'chemo brain' (of which I am not fond) or if you've never really known anyone who's been through chemotherapy, you may not realize that one of the biggest complaints from patients is short term memory loss and word finding problems during the chemotherapy treatments and for a time afterward. Sometimes patients describe it as 'being in a fog' or 'just slower in processing things.' This particular study I agreed to participate in included a battery of tests to assess skills in fine motor movement, word finding, spatial awareness and memory recall, as well as a functional brain MRI. This full gamut of 'testing' is repeated 3 times. Once before chemotherapy begins, once 4-6 months into treatment, and finally about 15 months after the initial treatment. The day of testing is long. There's the fasting blood draw, the MRI which takes about 90 minutes, and the battery of tests which can take up to 4 hours!!! Include in that time some paperwork and eating two meals and you have a very full day. Well, that's what I did yesterday. I left my house at 8:30 a.m. and got back home at 7:00 p.m.
Doesn't that sound like fun??? Well, it was 'just what the doctor ordered' for me! Imagine. My kids were taken care of all day by my mom and dad (Bless them, Lord!!!) with plenty of school work to keep them busy. Not only did I not have to prepare or clean up any meals, but I had a huge variety of choices from which to pick....AND it was free. Except for the functional portion of the MRI, I had uninterrupted time to talk with God in a most peculiar setting! In fact, had I not spent time with Him in that wee-little-loud tunnel, I would not have lasted as long as they needed me too. I was able to stroll along on the University campus, all by myself, without a care around me.....my eyes didn't have to dart this way and that, my brain didn't have to keep counting...1,2,3,4......1,2,3,4....( if you're a mother of young children you know what I'm talking about!!)
Okay, Michelle, but what about taking the day to go shopping? Wouldn't that be a little less intense, a little more 'fun'? Well, to my mother's chagrin, I did not inherit the 'shopping gene.' Granted I don't mind doing it from time to time, but it does not produce that euphoric state in me as it does in my mother and my 3 sisters!!! But, science?....testing? That's altogether different. Somewhere down the course of my ancestors I did receive that 'nerdish' gene that often makes me a bit odd. I don't mind. I LOVE IT, in fact, I THRIVED in it, yesterday!!! It was SO MUCH FUN!!! It was intense, that's for sure. It was nerve-wracking at times.....I just don't have the time or space to go into all the different 'tests,' but there were a few times when my brain was stretched to capacity. Oh, that felt good! (Yes, I know, that's a very odd statement.) But the greatest thing of all was that because my day was so full and the tasks were so far removed from anything related to breast cancer, my thoughts never drifted to today. I didn't have a myriad of worries bombarding my brain about today......I didn't have to take any thoughts captive. I lived in the moment. And it was such a gift from God to me! Oh yeah, did I mention that I also get paid!!!! BONUS!!!
Okay, to top it all off.....this is AWESOME....are you ready for this? My mom and dad kept the boys overnight. Seven of my dearest friends came over and CLEANED MY HOUSE. I'm not talking about a little sweeping here and a little dusting there! They CLEANED MY HOUSE up and down, side to side, in and out! My floorboards, my windows, my doors, MY TOILETS, my fans, MY SHOWER, my counters.....OH MY GOODNESS! Every nook and cranny.....clean. Sean was away all week for work. He pulled in the drive just before 7:00. I pulled in the drive just after 7:00. And by 7:20 we were out the door for a date night WHILE my friends CLEANED MY HOUSE!!!! They CLEANED MY HOUSE and they did it with SO MUCH LOVE that it overwhelms me!! I still cry every time I think about it. When Sean and I got home, there was a bundle of letters wrapped with a precious pink bow sitting on my table. On it were these words: For Michelle to be read tomorrow during your treatment....from those who love you and are praying for you today. What a treasure to me! Sincere, genuine love.
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality." Romans 12:9-13.
Today I begin my 12 weeks of Taxol/Herceptin. I'm so full of the goodness of my God and the love of friends and family. His peace which surpasses ALL understanding is filled to overflowing in my spirit. I am not afraid.
A final thought: In one of the 'battery of tests' from yesterday, I had to define some words. The very last word had me stumped. Panacea. I have to chuckle when I think about it. God knows me so well. I couldn't just leave that word undefined in my head. I had to know what it meant. I looked it up this morning and read these words: Panacea -- a remedy for all diseases, evils, or difficulties; a cure-all.
Jesus.....my panacea!! :) Isn't God good!
If you haven't heard the slang term 'chemo brain' (of which I am not fond) or if you've never really known anyone who's been through chemotherapy, you may not realize that one of the biggest complaints from patients is short term memory loss and word finding problems during the chemotherapy treatments and for a time afterward. Sometimes patients describe it as 'being in a fog' or 'just slower in processing things.' This particular study I agreed to participate in included a battery of tests to assess skills in fine motor movement, word finding, spatial awareness and memory recall, as well as a functional brain MRI. This full gamut of 'testing' is repeated 3 times. Once before chemotherapy begins, once 4-6 months into treatment, and finally about 15 months after the initial treatment. The day of testing is long. There's the fasting blood draw, the MRI which takes about 90 minutes, and the battery of tests which can take up to 4 hours!!! Include in that time some paperwork and eating two meals and you have a very full day. Well, that's what I did yesterday. I left my house at 8:30 a.m. and got back home at 7:00 p.m.
Doesn't that sound like fun??? Well, it was 'just what the doctor ordered' for me! Imagine. My kids were taken care of all day by my mom and dad (Bless them, Lord!!!) with plenty of school work to keep them busy. Not only did I not have to prepare or clean up any meals, but I had a huge variety of choices from which to pick....AND it was free. Except for the functional portion of the MRI, I had uninterrupted time to talk with God in a most peculiar setting! In fact, had I not spent time with Him in that wee-little-loud tunnel, I would not have lasted as long as they needed me too. I was able to stroll along on the University campus, all by myself, without a care around me.....my eyes didn't have to dart this way and that, my brain didn't have to keep counting...1,2,3,4......1,2,3,4....( if you're a mother of young children you know what I'm talking about!!)
Okay, Michelle, but what about taking the day to go shopping? Wouldn't that be a little less intense, a little more 'fun'? Well, to my mother's chagrin, I did not inherit the 'shopping gene.' Granted I don't mind doing it from time to time, but it does not produce that euphoric state in me as it does in my mother and my 3 sisters!!! But, science?....testing? That's altogether different. Somewhere down the course of my ancestors I did receive that 'nerdish' gene that often makes me a bit odd. I don't mind. I LOVE IT, in fact, I THRIVED in it, yesterday!!! It was SO MUCH FUN!!! It was intense, that's for sure. It was nerve-wracking at times.....I just don't have the time or space to go into all the different 'tests,' but there were a few times when my brain was stretched to capacity. Oh, that felt good! (Yes, I know, that's a very odd statement.) But the greatest thing of all was that because my day was so full and the tasks were so far removed from anything related to breast cancer, my thoughts never drifted to today. I didn't have a myriad of worries bombarding my brain about today......I didn't have to take any thoughts captive. I lived in the moment. And it was such a gift from God to me! Oh yeah, did I mention that I also get paid!!!! BONUS!!!
Okay, to top it all off.....this is AWESOME....are you ready for this? My mom and dad kept the boys overnight. Seven of my dearest friends came over and CLEANED MY HOUSE. I'm not talking about a little sweeping here and a little dusting there! They CLEANED MY HOUSE up and down, side to side, in and out! My floorboards, my windows, my doors, MY TOILETS, my fans, MY SHOWER, my counters.....OH MY GOODNESS! Every nook and cranny.....clean. Sean was away all week for work. He pulled in the drive just before 7:00. I pulled in the drive just after 7:00. And by 7:20 we were out the door for a date night WHILE my friends CLEANED MY HOUSE!!!! They CLEANED MY HOUSE and they did it with SO MUCH LOVE that it overwhelms me!! I still cry every time I think about it. When Sean and I got home, there was a bundle of letters wrapped with a precious pink bow sitting on my table. On it were these words: For Michelle to be read tomorrow during your treatment....from those who love you and are praying for you today. What a treasure to me! Sincere, genuine love.
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality." Romans 12:9-13.
Today I begin my 12 weeks of Taxol/Herceptin. I'm so full of the goodness of my God and the love of friends and family. His peace which surpasses ALL understanding is filled to overflowing in my spirit. I am not afraid.
A final thought: In one of the 'battery of tests' from yesterday, I had to define some words. The very last word had me stumped. Panacea. I have to chuckle when I think about it. God knows me so well. I couldn't just leave that word undefined in my head. I had to know what it meant. I looked it up this morning and read these words: Panacea -- a remedy for all diseases, evils, or difficulties; a cure-all.
Jesus.....my panacea!! :) Isn't God good!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Latest Details on My Treatment
Last week I mentioned a third surgery. The idea of having another surgery and hearing the words, "The margins aren't clear," overwhelmed me. Sitting in my kitchen last Saturday, I just felt the need to get away. To go. Sure, part of me would like to escape all that I am facing, to wipe it away, to 'pray it ain't so.' But that is not the path before me. So, I decided to go where my strength could be renewed and where my 'love tank' could be filled. With my youngest two in tow, I drove two hours north to Grama's house. It would be impossible to share with you ALL the wonderful things God provided for me on that overnight trip, but I would like to share a few.
First, my children were SOOOOO good, except for a small green bean issue at dinner time. Second, a friend brought a dinner over just before I left. Having that available for Sean and the older two boys made it so much easier for me to leave. Third, my love tank was filled to overflowing, both at Grama and Papa's house and in my car (as I had plenty of time to pray, to talk and to sing to my Lord).
So, on Sunday I returned with renewed strength. My circumstances hadn't changed. I still had questions about what was to come, I still had doubts about what surgical choice I would make, I still had no idea what the second oncologist would recommend....but I was no longer overwhelmed. As it says in Philippians 4:4-7: 'Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. '
So on Wednesday, January 2nd, I met with the second oncologist, Dr. M. Sensing my dilemma on how to proceed with my third surgery she said, "You know, there's absolutely no reason why we couldn't just get started with your chemo in the next week or so and wait to do your third surgery. The invasive tumor was removed with your first surgery.....these DCIS's can be dealt with later. That will give you time to have your breast MRI and some other tests done, so that you can feel more at ease and more confident in how to proceed with your third surgery." WOW!! It made sense to me and it lifted a huge burden.
So, by the end of next week I will have completed my first round of Taxol/Herceptin. I will continue that once/week for 12 weeks. By then I should have all the information I need to make a decision regarding my next surgery. I will continue Herceptin once every three weeks for a year. I will also begin taking tamoxifen (which is in pill form).
Dr. M pointed out that although it's wonderful that I caught my breast cancer early, I'm in a difficult situation. Most of the breast cancer trials/studies available haven't included women like me. Most studies include women who have lymph node involvement and/or women whose tumors are much larger than mine. Therefore, I could get a various assortment of suggestions from different oncologists regarding how to treat my particular situation. Some may want to play it safe and 'throw the book' at it by treating me with everything they've got. Some may say surgery is all I need. Dr. M tends to be somewhere in the middle. She doesn't see the need to 'throw the whole book' at me, considering the lymph nodes were not involved. Doing so puts me at risk for many other issues/side effects down the road. But she does believe that some chemotherapy is necessary secondary to the Her2 cells present on the invasive cancer.
So, I feel comfortable moving forward with Dr. M's plan.
First, my children were SOOOOO good, except for a small green bean issue at dinner time. Second, a friend brought a dinner over just before I left. Having that available for Sean and the older two boys made it so much easier for me to leave. Third, my love tank was filled to overflowing, both at Grama and Papa's house and in my car (as I had plenty of time to pray, to talk and to sing to my Lord).
So, on Sunday I returned with renewed strength. My circumstances hadn't changed. I still had questions about what was to come, I still had doubts about what surgical choice I would make, I still had no idea what the second oncologist would recommend....but I was no longer overwhelmed. As it says in Philippians 4:4-7: 'Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. '
So on Wednesday, January 2nd, I met with the second oncologist, Dr. M. Sensing my dilemma on how to proceed with my third surgery she said, "You know, there's absolutely no reason why we couldn't just get started with your chemo in the next week or so and wait to do your third surgery. The invasive tumor was removed with your first surgery.....these DCIS's can be dealt with later. That will give you time to have your breast MRI and some other tests done, so that you can feel more at ease and more confident in how to proceed with your third surgery." WOW!! It made sense to me and it lifted a huge burden.
So, by the end of next week I will have completed my first round of Taxol/Herceptin. I will continue that once/week for 12 weeks. By then I should have all the information I need to make a decision regarding my next surgery. I will continue Herceptin once every three weeks for a year. I will also begin taking tamoxifen (which is in pill form).
Dr. M pointed out that although it's wonderful that I caught my breast cancer early, I'm in a difficult situation. Most of the breast cancer trials/studies available haven't included women like me. Most studies include women who have lymph node involvement and/or women whose tumors are much larger than mine. Therefore, I could get a various assortment of suggestions from different oncologists regarding how to treat my particular situation. Some may want to play it safe and 'throw the book' at it by treating me with everything they've got. Some may say surgery is all I need. Dr. M tends to be somewhere in the middle. She doesn't see the need to 'throw the whole book' at me, considering the lymph nodes were not involved. Doing so puts me at risk for many other issues/side effects down the road. But she does believe that some chemotherapy is necessary secondary to the Her2 cells present on the invasive cancer.
So, I feel comfortable moving forward with Dr. M's plan.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Out of the Mouths of Babes
On New Year's Eve, our church was having an hour of prayer and blessing. A time when you could come forward to the front of the church and a pastor/elder and his wife would pray for you. There wasn't any fanfare or hoopla. People came and lined up in the center aisle. There were four pastors/elders and their wives spread out across the altar. When you were next in line you would just go to whichever pair of prayer warriors became available.
In the physical, it looked like a quiet time, a somewhat serene moment. Prayers were quietly spoken, hands were held, tears were shed, hugs were given, and hearts were lifted. But in the spiritual world, I believe that battles were being fought in the heavenlies.
'So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.' II Corinthians 4:18
'We live by faith, not by sight.' II Corinthians 5:7
'In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.' Romans 8:26-27
When it was time for our family to go forward, the next prayer warriors available were our Head Pastor and his wife. For some reason, I always get emotional when in the presence of these two wonderful people. And this moment was not any different. I couldn't even speak, knowing that if I did the fountain of tears and burdens of my heart would overflow from the depths of my soul. Sean spoke and asked for prayer for our family. Pastor prayed and just as it is written in James 5:16, 'the prayer of [this] righteous man [was] powerful and effective.' And I know that battles were won in the heavenlies.
As we were about to leave, my six year old Parker earnestly and effectively got the attention of our Pastor. (Anyone who knows Parker, knows that he earnestly tries to get the attention of anyone who will listen! And as his mother, I often hold my breath just moments for he speaks. I'm just never sure what revelations or interjections this passionate boy of mine may make.) Well, Pastor knelt down to get to Parker's eye level. Then, out of the mouth of a babe, came these precious words.
"I have this music tape that has some scriptures in it. There's this one that says, "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me bless his holy name. Psalms 103 verse one. "
I think Parker hit the nail on the head with that! No matter what 2008 may bring, that verse (and song) will remind me of an important truth. I will continue to bless my Lord and praise His name with ALL that is within me.
Here are verses 1-5 from the NIV version:
Praise the Lord, O my soul, all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul, and FORGET NOT ALL HIS BENEFITS---
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
In the physical, it looked like a quiet time, a somewhat serene moment. Prayers were quietly spoken, hands were held, tears were shed, hugs were given, and hearts were lifted. But in the spiritual world, I believe that battles were being fought in the heavenlies.
'So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.' II Corinthians 4:18
'We live by faith, not by sight.' II Corinthians 5:7
'In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.' Romans 8:26-27
When it was time for our family to go forward, the next prayer warriors available were our Head Pastor and his wife. For some reason, I always get emotional when in the presence of these two wonderful people. And this moment was not any different. I couldn't even speak, knowing that if I did the fountain of tears and burdens of my heart would overflow from the depths of my soul. Sean spoke and asked for prayer for our family. Pastor prayed and just as it is written in James 5:16, 'the prayer of [this] righteous man [was] powerful and effective.' And I know that battles were won in the heavenlies.
As we were about to leave, my six year old Parker earnestly and effectively got the attention of our Pastor. (Anyone who knows Parker, knows that he earnestly tries to get the attention of anyone who will listen! And as his mother, I often hold my breath just moments for he speaks. I'm just never sure what revelations or interjections this passionate boy of mine may make.) Well, Pastor knelt down to get to Parker's eye level. Then, out of the mouth of a babe, came these precious words.
"I have this music tape that has some scriptures in it. There's this one that says, "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me bless his holy name. Psalms 103 verse one. "
I think Parker hit the nail on the head with that! No matter what 2008 may bring, that verse (and song) will remind me of an important truth. I will continue to bless my Lord and praise His name with ALL that is within me.
Here are verses 1-5 from the NIV version:
Praise the Lord, O my soul, all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul, and FORGET NOT ALL HIS BENEFITS---
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
Friday, December 28, 2007
NO MATTER WHAT
Today has been a flurry of emotions. This morning I was dancing with my husband to Gloria Estafan's song, 'The Rhythm is Gonna to Get Ya." Crazy, I know, but the rhythm just took over and we had a fun moment of being silly while we listened to Sean's new speakers and Gloria's very catchy song.
Later, Sean and I and the boys went to the Children's Museum. I saw a woman there who'd obviously completed her chemotherapy. She stood there unashamed with peach fuzz hair on her head and I thought she looked beautiful. I wanted to tell her so, but I knew if I tried I would probably cry....so we smiled at each other and she commented on how cute our 4th son looked in his dress shirt and tie and high water pants...and we both laughed and the moment was gone.
When we returned home, my thoughts returned to yesterday's follow-up appointment from my second surgery. Unfortunately, the margins were still not clear...a few more DCIS's were found in a completely different location. This was not news I wanted...who would? And so this means yet another surgery. Exactly what kind, I haven't decided.
It's really hard to know how much to share on a blog. I have a smorgasbord of thoughts and emotions I could unload at this moment, but I don't know if that's what I am supposed to do. What I do know is that God brought to mind a journal entry I wrote (in a separate notebook) on the first day Sean and I met with my surgeon. So, I shall share that with you.
'Wednesday, November 21st, 2007
Sean and I are on our way to see Dr. R about my recent diagnosis of breast cancer. I don't know what info, statistics, procedures I will be told about today, but I am not afraid. I am not worried. My God goes before me. He covers me like a mother hen protects her chicks; he hems me in. Through Jesus Christ I am victorious no matter what NEWS, PLANS, OUTLOOKS I hear. And I'm writing this now while I rest in His peace. This journey may take me to some dark valleys and lonely places, but I will remember what God has revealed to me in the secret place and in the light. I will remember and hold on to HIM, NO MATTER WHAT!'
If you, too, are going through a trial of your own, I pray that you will rest in God's peace and will hold on to Him....No Matter What!
Psalm 34: 1-8
'I will extol the Lord at all times: his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man** called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.
Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.'
**Why does David call himself, 'this poor man?' My bible commentary says that the Hebrew word David uses for being poor indicates a lack of resources, not just money. God provided for David when he did not have the wherewithal to see his way through the oppressive circumstances that otherwise would have destroyed him.
Later, Sean and I and the boys went to the Children's Museum. I saw a woman there who'd obviously completed her chemotherapy. She stood there unashamed with peach fuzz hair on her head and I thought she looked beautiful. I wanted to tell her so, but I knew if I tried I would probably cry....so we smiled at each other and she commented on how cute our 4th son looked in his dress shirt and tie and high water pants...and we both laughed and the moment was gone.
When we returned home, my thoughts returned to yesterday's follow-up appointment from my second surgery. Unfortunately, the margins were still not clear...a few more DCIS's were found in a completely different location. This was not news I wanted...who would? And so this means yet another surgery. Exactly what kind, I haven't decided.
It's really hard to know how much to share on a blog. I have a smorgasbord of thoughts and emotions I could unload at this moment, but I don't know if that's what I am supposed to do. What I do know is that God brought to mind a journal entry I wrote (in a separate notebook) on the first day Sean and I met with my surgeon. So, I shall share that with you.
'Wednesday, November 21st, 2007
Sean and I are on our way to see Dr. R about my recent diagnosis of breast cancer. I don't know what info, statistics, procedures I will be told about today, but I am not afraid. I am not worried. My God goes before me. He covers me like a mother hen protects her chicks; he hems me in. Through Jesus Christ I am victorious no matter what NEWS, PLANS, OUTLOOKS I hear. And I'm writing this now while I rest in His peace. This journey may take me to some dark valleys and lonely places, but I will remember what God has revealed to me in the secret place and in the light. I will remember and hold on to HIM, NO MATTER WHAT!'
If you, too, are going through a trial of your own, I pray that you will rest in God's peace and will hold on to Him....No Matter What!
Psalm 34: 1-8
'I will extol the Lord at all times: his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man** called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.
Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.'
**Why does David call himself, 'this poor man?' My bible commentary says that the Hebrew word David uses for being poor indicates a lack of resources, not just money. God provided for David when he did not have the wherewithal to see his way through the oppressive circumstances that otherwise would have destroyed him.
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