Psalm 131

My heart is not proud, O Lord,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself

with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

But I have stilled and

quieted my soul;

like a weaned child with

its mother,

like a weaned child is my

soul within me.



O Israel, put your hope in

the Lord

both now and forevermore.



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Thank you, Monica! What a perfect follow up to 'More than Watchmen Wait!'

More than Watchmen Wait

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy......
Psalm 130:1,2

I've been crying out loud to my Lord and he has been regenerating my soul.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
Psalm 130: 5,6

I wonder what it is like to be a watchmen waiting for the morning. The writer of this psalm thought it was important enough to mention it twice. So it must have some significance. At pre-dawn, he must feel tired, anxious, and weary after his constant vigil through the night. But what are his feelings toward the coming rays of light? I think he would be hopeful....he would be anticipating the new day.....Why? Is it because the new day would bring rest from his work?

I am tired, anxious and weary from my constant vigil as I continue with my treatments. I've put my hope in God, but not fully. Some of my hope has been in my 'work'---my research, good news, and my good days.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will rest from my 'work.' Sure, there will still be schooling and laundry and dishes and cleaning. That is not the rest I need. I will allow my soul to wait for the Lord. I will put my hope in his Word. I will be anxious for nothing, but in all things, through prayer and petition, will present my requests to God. In doing so, His peace will transcend all understanding and will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

Tomorrow, in the midst of 6 times 8 equals 48 and /b/ says 'bu'......in the never ending cycle of dirty clothes and dishes.........and in the entropy that pervades my home.......Tomorrow, my soul will be still and know that God is God.

O 'Michelle,' put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
Psalm 130:7 (personalized by substituting my name for Israel)

Regeneration

I've thought to mention this many times, but have been hesitant. The truth is.....I'm a Star Trek fan. Okay...I said it. Now you know!

Well, the very first time the nurse accessed my port, I envisioned Seven of Nine plugging into her regeneration machine. The idea of being 'regenerated' helped me through my first chemo treatment. It also prompted me to dig into God's word. What could I find there about regeneration? This is what I found:

The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul. (Psalm 19:7) Plugging into God's word.....every day.....is my greatest source for regeneration. As Paul tells us in Hebrews 4:12,13: For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Have you ever experienced the pain of having your soul spiritually 'uncovered and laid bare' before your Creator? It's kind of painful, isn't it? But the result is such freedom.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. Psalm 23:1-3.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Seven of Nine and her Regeneration Machine.......I love how God inspires me to dig deeper into His Word and to find his truths in this fallen world.

Staying Afloat

It was a year ago yesterday that I had my mammogram, ultrasound and core biopsy. That was the day the radiologist told me he was pretty sure it was cancer.

Sometimes I'd like to find that doctor and talk to him. He had said within a year it would all be a distant bad memory. I'd have a lumpectomy, maybe chemo, and radiation. He even said most women can keep working without much interruption in their lives. Yes, he meant well, but he should have just kept quiet. I don't hold any bad thoughts toward him, but he got it all wrong with me.

Maybe that's why I've been feeling a bit blue these days. It's one year later and that 'distant bad memory' is still in my present. They (meaning my doctors) tell me I'm in remission (though I don't have any tests that officially say so). That does give me some relief. But I still have to finish my Herceptin treatments through January. Of course, instant menopause and tamoxifen haven't helped my topsy-turvy emotional and non-hormonal state of mind.

So, here's the part where I tell it as it is. What do you do when there are more bad days than good days? I'm past the intense phase of surgeries, chemo and radiation. Now I'm adjusting to the emotional ups-and-downs of dealing with body image, chronic pain, short and long term side effects. How do I stay afloat with homeschooling, household management, continued doctor and physical therapy appointments, and treatments. Honestly, there are many days that I'd rather stay in bed.

I've got some good ideas...... like prayer, rest, healthy eating, good supplements, talking with someone. These have all been helpful to me, but apparently not enough. One thing that I've been avoiding, delaying, putting off (you name it!!!) is exercise. Of course, this is one of the most important things I could be doing for myself.

For about six weeks, I've been exploring the idea of swimming. It would help my range of motion and strength in both arms, as well as help with my lymphadema and chronic chest wall pain on the right side. Plus, exercise in general is good for one's mood. 'I've been meaning to'......(how many times have I said that?!?)......call a couple with whom I used to swim a few years ago. I couldn't find the evening swim times anywhere and I knew they would know. But..... 'I just never got around to it' (oh yeah, I've heard that before).

Well, I serve a God who cares about me. He cares about every little intimate detail of my life. No, He didn't spare me from a pretty tough year, but He never let me walk it alone, either.

Well, guess who I ran into the other night? Yep, my swimming friends!!!! I haven't seen them for over 2 years. The moment I saw them I thanked God for loving me so much. The following night, I was in the pool.

What a sight! Swimming, though not my preferred method of exercise, is ideal for my circumstances. The problem.....I really can't swim. It's amazing how flippers, a kick board, and a floatation device around the waist can keep this non-swimmer afloat!!! Within a few laps, I was able to toss out the kick board and swim free style (yes, I kept the floaty around my waist!)

I'm praying that adding exercise will help the emotional ups and downs I've been having. Instead of bobbing up and down in the endless sea of 'life after cancer'.....I pray I'll struggle less, and stay afloat more, now that I've added swimming to my weekly repertoire.

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We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek. Hebrews 6:19-20

A Beautiful Thing

To match each parent to the areas of service God has uniquely gifted him/her, in order for the various parts of God’s family to work together for His glory.

That is one of the purposes of the Homeschool Co-op we attend. This year our group added 16 new families, we began meeting in a new location, and we took our junior high and high school group in a new direction. There were plenty of reasons why it could have been a rocky start.

But...

But, God....

Our co-op has witnessed each parent using the unique gifts God has given her, and we've been blessed by 'the various parts of God's family working together for His glory.' And it is a beautiful thing. I am truly thankful for all the families who make up our group.

Recently, I attended a women's retreat from my sister's church. The ladies who met together and planned the retreat did such a great job. It was another example to me of each one using the unique gifts God has given her. I watched as 'the various parts of God's family worked together for His glory' and I was encouraged. It was a beautiful thing.

We were meant to live our daily lives with 'the various parts of God's family working together for His glory.' Can you imagine if each member in a family was able to live his or her life in this manner? It would be a beautiful thing.

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My prayer is that those who are seeking would seek even more,
That those who are looking would look past the shore,
That the gifts that You've given would show themselves true,
And not lie unnoticed from lack of good use.
Give us strength to go forward, though mistakes, they will come.
May we give grace to all men, and not just to some.
Lord, strengthen the family...What a beautiful thing!
When we work for Your glory and crown you as King.
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Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. I Peter 4:8-10

He is Our Help

Talking about finances is not something I like to mention on this blog. But I must share the goodness of my God and how he has provided for our family in this area during this year.

The diagnosis of cancer can affect much more than the body. It certainly has the potential to affect the pocketbook. Yet, I am once again reminded that God is our provider.....in all things.

At the beginning of this year, anticipating the extra expenses and the decrease in income, we readjusted our mortgage so that our property taxes were no longer included in the monthly payment. That certainly helped get us through the many months that I was not working. But of course, November was approaching. That's when the property taxes were due....and we owe on two properties (which is another long story). Every time we set aside money for that payment, a new medical expense would come through and deplete our savings.

My mom and dad gave us an unexpected monetary gift in the spring. That helped pay for many of the expenses that we had been putting on our VISA and lifted a heavy load.

Sean has great insurance through his company. I praise God for that provision. But even with his insurance, our out-of-pocket expenses have been hefty. For the most part, we have been able to stay on top of them. How? Well, by God's provision, of course. Sean had submitted a resume months ago for an adjunct teacher's position at a local technical college. He was surprised to get a call just a couple of weeks before the fall session started. Within days, he taught a mock class in front of the administrators of the school and was offered the teaching job. In fact, they asked him to teach the same class in two of their locations. Of course, this did not get in the way of Sean's day job! He has worked diligently and been able to work his regular job AND teach two classes each week! God has been so good to work this out for him.....for us. It's been a sacrifice on all of us, but through his second job, we have been able to keep up with most of the medical bills that have come through.....but we still haven't been able to put anything back for those pesky property taxes.

How did God provide for those? Well, he sent the Sweet Melissa Foundation. Two weeks ago, Sweet Melissa came to our house with a check for $3000. WOW!!! That's really all I can say.....WOW!!! We were so humbled and appreciative of this gift for we know that it took many hands many hours to put it all together.....and even more hands and more generous hearts to bring it to fruition. WOW!!!

We did all that we could do to get through this tough year......but all we could do was not enough. It was God who orchestrated everything and took care of us. He provided us the opportunity to re-finance at the beginning of the year, He provided through my Mom and Dad, He provided through Sean's teaching job, and He provided through the Sweet Melissa Foundation. He has provided in soooooooooo many other ways. I give Him the glory and I say, "Thank You, Lord!"

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We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20-22

Popping-Up

My second son, Trevor, celebrated his ninth birthday this week. I can't believe how quickly time has gone by, how quickly he has grown. Of all my boys, he seems to have his growth roots dug into the richest soil.

To celebrate his special day, we started with our tradition of daddy taking the birthday boy out to breakfast. Then a few days later, on Friday night, Trevor had some of his friends come over for a birthday party/sleep over.

We were supposed to be camping this weekend with some friends and their church family, but Spencer had a play-off football game on Saturday afternoon. It's been a tradition for the last few years to go camping in October with these friends. We only see them once or twice a year, but they are like family. I was the most bummed for having to miss the camping trip. "We can do it, Sean. We can still camp and then drive back for the game. " I tried, but I knew he was right. Yes, I'm whining and complaining. It's not an attractive quality. I should stop.

Anyway, we decided to pop up our camper next to the house and let Trevor and his buddies spend the night in it. We stocked the refrigerator with Gatorade and put out some yummy snacks. After pizza, presents, cupcakes, ice cream, and a few hours of playing outside, the boys went right into the camper for a game of Risk while watching Star Wars IV (on the smallest TV/VCR set possible....I think it's a 9 inch screen!!!) Most of them were up by 6:30 this morning, but they just hung out in the camper playing games. Sean and I slept until 8:15!!! It was time for pancakes and sausage, and then a few rounds of 'Capture the Flag.' Those boys had a blast!!! Sean and I decided this was the best way for the boys to celebrate with their friends.

Tomorrow, we'll have our final celebration for Trevor's ninth birthday (and his cousin's thirteenth birthday). My mom is cooking up a mighty fine lunch for everyone at her house. It's not every year that the boys get to celebrate their birthday three times.....but it's not every year that you turn nine, either!

Happy Birthday to My Treasure!