True to form, I've enlisted Sean and myself into a clinical study. This one is for women who are in the midst of treatment for breast cancer and their spouses. Before you start thinking that I've begged or manipulated my husband into doing this with me, the truth is that he is a willing participant. Reluctant? Okay, maybe reluctant. But he is willing. He is SO good to me!
We will meet with the Principal Investigator three times to discuss the following issues: effective communication, intimacy and sexuality, and coping with stress and seeking social support. Prior to each meeting, we each have to fill out a survey with a multitude of questions. As contemplative as I am, it took me over an hour to fill out my first survey. I'm not sure about Sean, but I'm guessing he breezed right through his. Of course, I have to laugh at his logical way of looking at things. Before we left to go to our first meeting, I asked how he was doing with his survey....
Michelle: Are you enjoying your survey questions, honey? (Having already completed the survey myself, I was guessing that for Sean the survey was close to the equivalence of torture.)
Sean: I don't like them. All of the questions are leading questions.
Michelle: What do you mean?
Sean: Well, like this one......Since I feel that my body has betrayed me, ya-da-ya-da-ya-da...(I can't remember the rest of the question)......This question is already making the assumption that you feel betrayed by your body.......What if you don't?
Michelle: (feeling a bit confused as to why his survey would have that question....but thankful that he was at least making an attempt to do his homework and that we were having this dialogue....I pressed forward.) Are there other leading questions?
Sean: They're ALL leading questions. (Sean is not prone to exaggeration, but having already completed the survey, I knew they weren't ALL leading questions.....I think he was getting a bit frustrated.)
Michelle: I'm not so sure they're ALL leading questions. But you make a good point. So, how are you answering those?
Sean: (With imaginary pen in his hand, he starts writing in the air).....I'm just writing 'leading question'.....'leading question'......'leading question'......next to all of them.
Michelle: (A grin on my face as I imagine the principal investigator reading through Sean's packet.....and wondering if he's truly such a logical/concrete thinker......a lawyer......or just avoiding the questions) Well, honey, I guess that makes sense. (And then I think to myself..."They're going to have to re-write the whole thing now....if they want any info from Sean.")
Our first meeting was last week. The topic: Effective Communication. The points that I remember were: 1) Try to make alone time for each other so that you can keep communication going. Sometimes we make the assumption that our spouse knows what we're thinking, knows how we're feeling, knows our anxieties. But the truth is that good communication requires that we say what we are feeling in a constructive helpful way. We've got to make time for each other ....uninterrupted, alone time.....for this to happen effectively; 2) Both partners have to adapt during this time....Men have to listen and express their feeling more often and give up the desire to 'fix' the problem....Women have to turn to friends and other support systems when their husbands are 'maxed out' on listening; 3) Good communication requires listening.....listening without interrupting the other shows respect and builds trust.
Whether dealing with breast cancer or just dealing with every day life, I think these tips are valid for any couple. Something Sean and I have done for awhile now....although not as often as we could....is something called, 'Couch Time.' It's a time for us to sit on the couch and discuss our day or whatever is on our mind. The time can range from 10 minutes to 30 minutes and we do this when the kids are home, running all about. But the 'rule' is that the kids are not allowed to interrupt us or sit on the couch with us. (Because we have a couple of kids who are 90% followers of rules....always looking for ways to test the boundaries....we had to change that rule to.....nobody can touch the couch except for mommy and daddy). We had heard about this 'couch time' at a weekend marriage retreat we went to about 9 years ago. We found that as hard as it was for the kids to 'give' mommy and daddy time to themselves, it was good for them to see that mommy and daddy wanted to be together. That our relationship was IMPORTANT. And eventually, even the smallest learned to go and entertain himself during mommy and daddy's 'couch time.' Having a house full of young kids for 10 years now, it has been a good addition to our marriage. Waiting until the end of the day, when both of us are exhausted, just isn't the same and doesn't show the kids how important we are to one another.
Sean and I have been challenged by the other two points our whole marriage. Breast cancer has just allowed us to face those issues more head on.....no more sweeping them under the rug for another day. He is learning to share his feelings more and trying not to 'fix' the problems and I'm learning to be a better listener and encourager. It has been said that cancer is not good for relationships, but good relationships can be made stronger by hardship. I definitely see the latter to be true for us. I absolutely LOVE my husband. Sean is a wonderful treasure to me and God continues to unlock more treasures in the man that I married nearly 13 years ago. And I am grateful that in the midst of our hardship, we are growing together.
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Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 4:32, 5:1
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14
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