Turning a Corner

If you've ever been lost (whether literally or figuratively), then you know that awful feeling that can settle in the pit of your belly.

I started this blog with 'A Curve in the Road.' That curve has taken me to many places that I never knew existed before.....places I'd rather not visit again. All of that 'traveling', all of those unwanted experiences, all of those uncertainties. Well, all of 'that' really did get the best of me. Stripped it away and threw it in an alley with unknown coordinates. I've been looking for that 'me' for quite awhile.

Since August of '08, I've been searching....sometimes actively...sometimes passively. Where did I go? Who was this 'she' that I was becoming? Sometimes numb, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes grieving, sometimes apathetic....yet always hoping. Always hoping. Time.... Prayer..... Medication..... Diet..... Exercise....... Waiting..... Changing Medication..... More Time...... More Waiting..... More Prayer....More Exercise. Yet, still plugging away: still waking up each day (though much later than usual); still homeschooling the boys (though it took much longer than usual); still putting one foot in front of the other, still putting in another load of clothes and another load of dishes behind the last. Mentally held up in a cave of hibernation, cloaked in a self-made cocoon. Physically going through the motions. Yet always hoping that I'd eventually find that corner of unknown coordinates where 'the me that I once was' was tossed.

Early February 2009. Is that her? I saw a glimpse. I know I did. Who just loaded the dishwasher without much mental effort? Ugh, if only there was some magic boost to get me up this ladder. God, help me. I don't want to be in this pit anymore, but I don't know how to get out. A phone call. Unexpected. "How are you doing?" was the simple question. And as I shared my desperation, the receiver heard my heart. She heard the yearning of my soul. Led by the Holy Spirit....I know without a doubt....she made arrangements for Merry Maids to come and clean my house.

I had no idea that was what I needed. A clean home....a fresh start. Would this be the impetus needed to boost me up that ladder? Would it work? Had it been one week earlier, I think the answer would have been, "No!" But God's timing is perfect. Just perfect. And yes, through the kindness and insight of a friend, He did boost me back up that ladder. He did lead me around the corner and I found familiarity. I found her.....I found me.

I was beginning to think she didn't exist anymore. Maybe she doesn't, not entirely. Maybe the better parts of her were spared, and maybe the weaker parts of her were refined. She may not be who she was, but she's ready to move forward again. She's turned the corner and found herself once more. Always cradled in the sheltering wings of her Lord and Savior. Always loved and adored by her Creator. She just had to believe it again. To know it was true. She is blessed.......

I am blessed.

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But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Grieving the Me that I Once Was

During treatment, my focus was two-fold: get through it and make sure that my kids' lives were as normal as possible.

Then, treatment ended. One would think that the end of treatment would be like a breath of fresh air. So, why don't I have that minty fresh breath feeling? (a little humor never hurts!) What is this sorrowful feeling that consumes me? I think I am grieving.

I'm grieving the time lost in the past year.
I'm grieving those parts of me that I have lost....forever.
I'm grieving the loss of who I once was.

Grieving has it's place. I never allowed myself that process in the midst of my treatment. So, I must walk through it now, in order to be whole again. So rather than rushing to get through it and being only partially whole, I think I will linger a bit longer.

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There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to serch and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A song I remember from my childhood (taken partially from Acts 17:28):
In Him we live and move and have our being.
Make a joyful noise. Sing unto the Lord. Tell Him of your love. Dance before Him.
Hallelujah!

Friendship

Last night was supposed to be Beth Moore study group with four of my fellow homeschooling moms. But they had other plans.....and I am so glad they did!

You see, yesterday was my birthday. The girls brought an incredibly yummy cheesecake and homemade salsa. We put on some coffee. (I sent my boys upstairs to watch some long awaited TV shows that we'd recorded in the last week...that kept them busy).

There we sat, all 5 of us women. Eating, laughing, sharing, sipping coffee and laughing some more. It was grand.

A memorable moment was when Parker, my seven year old, came down. Parker loves to be a part of the grown-up fellowship whenever he can get a chance. He said something like, "Oh, chocolate and ladies. It doesn't get any better than this."

Friendship. It's priceless.

Just Keep Swimming!

Look out Dori!

It wasn't long ago that I took up swimming....or was it that swimming took me up? Hmm.....maybe both.

I started with a floaty around my middle, a kickboard under my hands, and flippers on my feet. Taking the advice of that lovable blue fish from Finding Nemo, I went back every week and just kept swimming.

A few weeks ago the unthinkable happened. Without my floaty and without my kick board I swam an ENTIRE MILE in the pool. That's 34 downs....and 34 backs. Wow!!!

Is this bragging? It's not meant to be. (Though I don't mind a pat on the back....oh, thank you!)It's meant to encourage. Someone out there needs to hear the message. "Just keep _______!" Maybe it's swimming, maybe it's praying, maybe it's loving your teenager, maybe it's folding laundry, maybe it's praising God in the midst of the storm.

It wasn't long ago that I took up swimming.....or maybe it was swimming that took me up.

I'm D-U-N....Done!!!

I received the best Christmas present ever on Tuesday of this week:

MY LAST HERCEPTIN TREATMENT!!!!!

Hip-Hip.......Hooray!!!!
Hip-Hip.......Hooray!!!!
Hip-Hip.......Hooray!!!!
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Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.

to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.
who made the great lights-
His love endures forever.
the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.
the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.......

to the One who remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.
and freed us from our enemies,
His love endures forever.
and who gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.

Psalm 136:1-9,23-26

You'd Really Like It Here

It's been awhile. Many things have happened here in the last month, but one thing stands out. Through a series of well placed inquiries and investigations, Sean and I were able to take a trip with our boys to the place where 'dreams come true.' Yes, we went to Disney World!!!

I'm very proud of my man, but this trip cemented in my mind that he is a whiz, that he is brave, and that he is an incredible provider!!! First, he turned in most of his reward points from his overnight trips for work and got us free tickets to SeaWorld and a rental car for seven days!!! Second, he used priceline.com to secure, at a very good price, two adjoining rooms at the Holiday Inn and plane tickets for all six of us. Why Holiday Inn....because all four boys can eat there for free for breakfast and dinner!!! Another bonus!!!! Third, he used a great tip from our friend Tisha, to buy us 4 day passes to Disney World, plus a one day pass to a specialty park. The cost of these tickets was nearly half what it would have cost had we bought the tickets at full price.

What a wonderful, fabulous, exciting time we had as a family! So many memories were made there. One of the best memories of all was how the trip began.

This trip was a complete surprise to the boys. We kept it hush, hush around them. So, the Friday after Thanksgiving, the boys spent the night with my mom and dad so that Sean and I could pack up everything for the trip. On Saturday, Mimi and Papa (my mom and dad) spent the day entertaining the boys. They nonchalantly mentioned that they wanted to take the boys to see the new airport. As they walked through the mid-way, checking out all the new structures and all the people, heads bobbing from left to right, and up and down to see this impressive place......there stood Sean and me. One by one their eyes fell on us and all the backpacks and suitcases surrounding us. "What are you guys doing here?" they asked. "Oh, we thought it would be a good time to take a trip. Anyone want to go to Disney World?"

The looks on their faces and there expressions were priceless.
"You mean, now! You mean, all of us!"
"We're going today......in a plane!!"
"What?! What?! Are you serious?"
"Mommy, did you pack my swimsuit?"

Nearly every day we'd call Mimi and Papa to tell them of the previous days festivities and the plans for our new day. They enjoyed the updates. Of course, their heartstrings were pulled each time they spoke to Parker. "Mimi, you really need to come down here with us. Can't you just come down tomorrow? You'd really like it here."

Psalm 131

My heart is not proud, O Lord,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself

with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

But I have stilled and

quieted my soul;

like a weaned child with

its mother,

like a weaned child is my

soul within me.



O Israel, put your hope in

the Lord

both now and forevermore.



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Thank you, Monica! What a perfect follow up to 'More than Watchmen Wait!'