My Radiation Meltdown

Decisions are always difficult for me to make, but once made it's very hard to change my mind. Very Hard! This past week has been VERY HARD because I've been fighting 'tooth and nail' with my preconceived ideas about radiation. I've been battling it out in my mind for several days, stuck between 'a rock and a hard place.'

Based on my own research, I was 80% sure I wouldn't have to do radiation. When I met with my radiation oncologist, Dr. W., he was 80% sure I would have to do radiation. But he was waffling. He felt that radiation was the better option, but was trying to talk himself out of recommending it. So my sister and I left the office hopeful that he'd call me the next day and say radiation wasn't necessary.

Dr. W., bless Him Lord, went back over all of my previous tests, pathology reports, surgery details, etc. He even called other radiation oncologists in the country to get their input. He called me the next day. Based on my 'young' age and the lymph node which still tested positive after chemo, he highly recommended I go forward with radiation. Although the lymph node had shrunk during chemo, it hadn't disappeared. The cancer cells present were 'protruding' from the lymph node....rather than nicely contained inside it like a pit inside a plum. But the biggest frustration for me.....the 'booger' as I call it.....is that I would have to go back to surgery to have my infusion port removed from my right chest wall and a new one placed in my left chest wall.

Well, my stubborn soul didn't want to hear any of this. I did NOT want to go back for anymore surgeries anytime soon. I was just beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and with all of this information the light grew fainter as the tunnel grew longer. I was waiting for some glorious sign from heaven that this was not the road I would have to go down. But that sign was not apparent to me.

So, Sean and I met with Dr. W. again. During this meeting I had a 'moment' I will refer to as... "My Radiation Meltdown." I was holding out hope that Dr. W. would miraculously say with 100% certainty that I didn't need to do radiation. But instead he discussed the chances of local recurrence and other bad things that could happen if that occurred. Also lingering within other recesses of my mind was the unresolved argument Sean and I had just before walking into the appointment....completely unrelated to cancer......just stuff that pops up in marital relationships. I could not contain the irrational and emotional frustration that welled up within me any longer. My poor husband and Dr. W. They didn't have a chance! Picture in your mind the three of us sitting within arms reach of each other in a circle. I'm crying hysterically, Sean is fed up with the whole cancer thing, and Dr. W is waiting for us to make a decision.

Michelle: Okay, Dr. W. You've been talking percentages. So, what would you say are my chances of walking out of this room, getting into my car and getting into an accident on my way home? Even though I know there is that risk, I still get into my car every day. Every day! Is it 5%, 10%, 15%? Do you know?

Dr. W: (Looking over at Sean...looking at me....probably trying to figure out where that came from but not having a chance to respond before this popped out of my mouth...)

Michelle: Okay, Sean, Let's say we have 5 living children (I say this as I hold up my hand in front of his face, fingers extended, wiggling one at a time). Let's say we have to decide which 4 to keep. Which one are you going to get rid of, Sean? Which one?

Sean: Honey....

Dr. W: (With sincere concern for my ballistic state....) Would you like to speak to one of our Chaplains?

Michelle: No.

We left the office soon after that. Even I knew that I was in no shape to continue the discussion. Radiation was the recommendation....which meant having another surgery. (That was the Rock I was avoiding).....Of course, not doing it meant potential greater risks in the future.....Would I be willing to ignore those risks? (That was the Hard Place). We had to decide how we would move forward.

We prayed, I cried; we discussed, I cried; we ate, I cried; we slept, I cried. Time was not on our side. Finally, we decided to go forward with radiation. I've not completely resolved the battle within me. There's a fingernail and maybe a tooth or two that are still hanging on and not letting go. But that is something I will have to work out with my Lord. In the meantime, I have surgery scheduled for Monday morning.