FEAR (Part I)

I've been thinking about fear for awhile now, but have been afraid to share my thoughts!! :) Today, I had a pretty scary thing happen to me. It opened my eyes again to the fears that can consume us.

After church we went to lunch at Fazoli's. When our order was up, Spencer and I picked up the two trays. I wasn't in any hurry, but as I started to unload the bowls of fettuccine alfredo and spaghetti, the tray tipped and two of the dishes started to slide down. In my attempt to counterbalance the falling food, much of the hot pasta and sauces dumped onto my left hand. I've been burned before, but the fear that gripped my heart during this incident was like nothing I've ever experienced.

The fear was so real and so unsettling that my heart felt like it was transferred to another reality. I stood frozen for longer than I should have (at least it felt like an eternity). I didn't make a sound. I didn't even scream. I just stood there with burning hot pasta sitting atop my hand. All I could hear were the words of my physical therapist......Now that you've had your lymph nodes removed, skin care is of utmost importance. You have to take care of your skin. Avoid burns of any kind. Any kind of trauma to your arms and hands can be a precursor for lymphadema. And once lymphadema begins, it will be a chronic issue.......Finally, I was jarred back to my present reality. With images of lymphadema in my mind and with tears streaming down my face, I quickly wiped the food away and headed to the bathroom to run my skin under some lukewarm water.

To the passerby, I'm pretty sure it didn't look so bad and that my reaction was minor. I wasn't hysterical. I wasn't screaming or shouting or blaming. But the fear in my heart was real. It was all-consuming. It literally stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't move. This fear had a power over me.

When I returned to the table, the skin on the back of my hand was pretty red. It hurt. I told Sean about my fear and how I'm supposed to avoid burns for the rest of my life. This is why I'm so thankful that God gave me such a sensible, logical man!!! He said, "It's going to happen, honey. You can't avoid being burned for the rest of your life. Sooner or later it's going to happen. You can't worry about it, just accept it. And when it happens, we'll pray God's protection over you." It was as simple as that for him. It took awhile for that truth to soak into my spirit. But finally, the tears stopped coming and I rested in that truth. By the time we left the restaurant, my skin color was back to normal. There was a minor tenderness in the area of the burn, but no blisters. More importantly, I was no longer consumed by my fear of lymphadema.

Lymphadema is still a real risk for me, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. I won't be controlled by that fear. I will make wise choices, of course, and try to avoid burns, but accidents like today are bound to happen again.

Maybe I'll have more courage to share the other thoughts I have on fear in the next few weeks. There are so many fears that can consume us. There are many fears that control us, causing our hearts to stay in a perpetually unsettled state. These fears limit us and keep us from living the life of freedom that God has given us. Freedom to love....Freedom to give.....Freedom to receive.

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So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:1-4