Being the youngest of four girls, I grew up with the notion that I would be the 'boy' my daddy never had. Not that I wanted to be a boy, mind you, but I was naturally drawn to more 'boy' things. I loved to play football and dig for potato bugs (also known as rollypollys) with my buddy, Bradley, who lived down the street. As I grew, sports were a great fit for me. I have many wonderful memories playing summer softball with my dad as my coach. (Around junior high age, I really wanted to be a cheerleader like my sister, Angie.....but unfortunately I didn't have the 'spring' necessary to make my jumps look graceful or pretty! So I continued with my sports.)
The point I'm trying to make: I never really paid attention to the things that my sisters were doing.....putting on make-up, styling hair, dressing fashionably. For me, getting 'beautified' was something you did on Sunday mornings or special occasions. It felt more like a chore....almost as bad as cleaning the toilets!! Not much has changed for me over the years. I 'put on my face' for Sunday mornings and special occasions, but on any other day I put aside the 'chore' of applying make-up, or I just put on the bare minimum. Truly, I wish I could enjoy the process a bit more, especially as I get older and see my face slowly succomb to aging.
This past Monday, I had the unique opportunity to 'get educated' on the finer things of make-up application through a class sponsored by the American Cancer Society (ACS), called "Look Good....Feel Good." It provides instruction for women undergoing treatment for cancer: how to take care of your hair, your skin and your nails AND how to apply make-up. (I was a little embarrassed that I was the only one asking LOTS of questions during the make-up application portion!!!). I came home with a bag FULL of FREE make-up products. So, you might be surprised the next time you see me....that is if you can recognize me under all of those products! I'd still prefer throwing the football and digging up bugs, but I suppose it doesn't hurt to 'Look Good' while I do it!
In general, though, the things that make me 'feel good' have little to do with 'looking good.' (I say, 'in general,' because I'm fully aware of the temporary sense of well being that comes from being dressed nicely and groomed well, and thereby 'looking good.') For instance, when I clean my house I get more satisfaction from cleaned closets and cabinets, than I do from clean carpets, floors and counters. I'm not sure why that is. It's not like anyone's going to see my clean closets or cabinets. But I do see this thinking reflected in how I view my life. I feel much better about myself when I can bring ALL of my emotional stuff out in the light of God. You know, that stuff that can get stuffed in the 'closets and cabinets' of our souls; stuff that seems easier to ignore and hide than to expose and clean up; stuff like unforgiveness, fear, bitterness, anger, guilt, sin.
I'm still in process. There are many areas in my life that I need to have 'exposed.' When I get real with God, allowing myself to be vulnerable and transparent before the Lord.... willing to open up the 'cabinets and closets' that contain my fears, my sins, my guilt, my shame.....THAT is when I am truly free. That is when 'feeling good' is real and eternal.....not just a temporal covering over. The enemy would love for me to continue to conceal and to cover myself, just as Adam and Eve did in the Garden of Eden after they sinned. But God says to me...he says to you..."I've got you covered. There is no shame, there is no fear, when you walk with Me."
I am grateful for the wonderful gift the ACS provided me and the other precious ladies who attended the class. I appreciate the temporal sense of feeling good in the midst of all the side effects with which I am daily confronted. Yet, I am even more grateful for the precious gift that God has given me. The gift of faith, of hope, and of love. The gift of freedom. THESE are the gifts which truly make me 'feel good.'
*******
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:5
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. Psalm 62:5
Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 24:14
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And the now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. I Corinthians 13:12-13
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Goodbye "Ben" and "Dex"
Parting really is sweet sorrow. I've only known 'Ben' and 'Dex' for a few weeks, but they really were nice companions. 'Ben' was good at keeping me relaxed in the midst of chaos and 'Dex' had a knack for picking me up and getting me going.
If you're a little confused....let me explain. I'm referring to the wonderful medicinal 'cocktail' I received prior to my chemo drugs, which consisted of benadryl and dexamethasone. Both of these drugs were administered to help prevent allergic reactions to Taxol. But apparently, I gave them a run for their money (whew, ain't that the truth!) since I continued to have allergic reactions despite their ever-presence coursing through my veins.
With the switch to Abraxane, there is no risk for allergic reactions....hence, no need for the pre-med-'cocktail.' I thought I would be able to say goodbye to 'Ben' and 'Dex' without looking back. But today (one day after my infusion) I'm realizing that there were some benefits, especially with 'Dex.' True, Dex kept me up most of the night, but rather than feeling tired and sleepy, I was always ready to go the day after chemo. Apparently, one of the 'bonus' side effects of dex is the somewhat 'euphoric' state it temporarily provides.
I will miss that extra 'pick me up' I get the day after chemo......but in the long run, it sure was nice to sleep ALL night last night. AND, I am very, very, very, VERY relieved that I shall not have to face another allergic reaction to Taxol.
If you're a little confused....let me explain. I'm referring to the wonderful medicinal 'cocktail' I received prior to my chemo drugs, which consisted of benadryl and dexamethasone. Both of these drugs were administered to help prevent allergic reactions to Taxol. But apparently, I gave them a run for their money (whew, ain't that the truth!) since I continued to have allergic reactions despite their ever-presence coursing through my veins.
With the switch to Abraxane, there is no risk for allergic reactions....hence, no need for the pre-med-'cocktail.' I thought I would be able to say goodbye to 'Ben' and 'Dex' without looking back. But today (one day after my infusion) I'm realizing that there were some benefits, especially with 'Dex.' True, Dex kept me up most of the night, but rather than feeling tired and sleepy, I was always ready to go the day after chemo. Apparently, one of the 'bonus' side effects of dex is the somewhat 'euphoric' state it temporarily provides.
I will miss that extra 'pick me up' I get the day after chemo......but in the long run, it sure was nice to sleep ALL night last night. AND, I am very, very, very, VERY relieved that I shall not have to face another allergic reaction to Taxol.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
That Perfect Peace
When first diagnosed with breast cancer, I welcomed the peace that God gave me in the midst of the turmoil. It's not something I could 'muster' up on my own. It's not easy to desribe, but that hasn't kept me from trying.........
It's kind of like being a hamster in one of those big round balls and running all over the place.......bumping into this and that without coming to any harm. The dog can't eat it, the kids can't squeeze it, and it won't get lost. Hmmmm....not the greatest analogy. It's hard to get past the whole idea of being a hamster, isn't it? I'm sure a hamster, if it could, would have a hard time describing its ' forced containment' in the ball as anything similar to peace.
Thankfully, my friend, Cara, sent me a letter from Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, in which he describes 'that perfect peace.' I connected with his analogy and today I'd like to share that picture with you. Many people that I know have recently experienced much turmoil in their own lives....the death of loved ones, health issues, relationship issues, work issues.......you name it....And my prayer is that they will experience 'that perfect peace' that Mr. Bright describes below:
*****
Dear friends:
Long ago a man sought the perfect picture of peace. Not finding one that truly satisfied, the man announced a contest to produce this masterpiece.
This challenge stirred the imagination of artists everywhere, and paintings arrived from far and wide. Finally, the great day of revelation arrived. The judges uncovered one peaceful scene after another, while the viewers clapped and cheered.
The tensions grew. Only two pictures remained veiled. As a judge pulled the cover from one, a hush fell over the crowd. A mirror-smooth lake reflected beautiful, green birches under the soft blush of the evening sky. Along the grassy shore, a flock of sheep grazed undisturbed. Surely this was the winner.
Finally, the very last entry was uncovered by the artist himself, and the crowd gasped in surprise. Could this be peace?
The painting showed a tumultuous waterfall cascading down a rocky precipice. The crowd could almost feel its cold, penetrating spray. Stormy, gray clouds threatened to explode with lightning, wind and rain. In the midst of the thundering noises and bitter chill, a spindly little tree clung to the rocks at the edge of the falls. One of its branches reached out in front of the torrential waters as if foolishly seeking to experience its full power. In the elbow of that branch, a little bird had built a nest. Content and undisturbed in her stormy surroundings, she rested on her eggs. With her eyes closed and her wings ready to cover her little ones, she manifested a peace that transcends all earthly worry.
Like that little bird, we live in a world of great turmoil and stormy surroundings. Strife, violence, and uncertainty are all around us, constantly threatening to overwhelm us. We are tiny and we seem so vulnerable to the powerful and destructive forces of the world.
Yet in the midst of that, God gave us His supernatural peace. Our Lord tells us, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (John 14:27, NIV).
We know that peace is God's will for us. Most of the New Testament letters, each word inspired by the Holy Spirit, begin with something like "Grace and peace to you."
Always remember, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7).
Yours for fulfilling the Great Commission
each year until our Lord returns,
Bill Bright
(Taken from: http://www.crosswalk.com/1148922/
*********
The picture of that mother bird on her nest is a much closer image of God's perfect peace (Adios, little hamster!). I'm thankful that He continues to be faithful to me in his provision. I've had some moments of anxiety....that is true. But when I follow the prescription of Philippians 4:6-7, I find myself in a place that I long to be. And I can only thank my Lord for it. And I pray that you would experience His peace in the midst of the difficulties that you are facing.
This week, I return for my 5th chemotherapy infusion. My oncologist has switched my Taxol to a different form...Abraxane....which does not produce allergic reactions. So, NO MORE 'elephants' on my chest!!!
It's kind of like being a hamster in one of those big round balls and running all over the place.......bumping into this and that without coming to any harm. The dog can't eat it, the kids can't squeeze it, and it won't get lost. Hmmmm....not the greatest analogy. It's hard to get past the whole idea of being a hamster, isn't it? I'm sure a hamster, if it could, would have a hard time describing its ' forced containment' in the ball as anything similar to peace.
Thankfully, my friend, Cara, sent me a letter from Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, in which he describes 'that perfect peace.' I connected with his analogy and today I'd like to share that picture with you. Many people that I know have recently experienced much turmoil in their own lives....the death of loved ones, health issues, relationship issues, work issues.......you name it....And my prayer is that they will experience 'that perfect peace' that Mr. Bright describes below:
*****
Dear friends:
Long ago a man sought the perfect picture of peace. Not finding one that truly satisfied, the man announced a contest to produce this masterpiece.
This challenge stirred the imagination of artists everywhere, and paintings arrived from far and wide. Finally, the great day of revelation arrived. The judges uncovered one peaceful scene after another, while the viewers clapped and cheered.
The tensions grew. Only two pictures remained veiled. As a judge pulled the cover from one, a hush fell over the crowd. A mirror-smooth lake reflected beautiful, green birches under the soft blush of the evening sky. Along the grassy shore, a flock of sheep grazed undisturbed. Surely this was the winner.
Finally, the very last entry was uncovered by the artist himself, and the crowd gasped in surprise. Could this be peace?
The painting showed a tumultuous waterfall cascading down a rocky precipice. The crowd could almost feel its cold, penetrating spray. Stormy, gray clouds threatened to explode with lightning, wind and rain. In the midst of the thundering noises and bitter chill, a spindly little tree clung to the rocks at the edge of the falls. One of its branches reached out in front of the torrential waters as if foolishly seeking to experience its full power. In the elbow of that branch, a little bird had built a nest. Content and undisturbed in her stormy surroundings, she rested on her eggs. With her eyes closed and her wings ready to cover her little ones, she manifested a peace that transcends all earthly worry.
Like that little bird, we live in a world of great turmoil and stormy surroundings. Strife, violence, and uncertainty are all around us, constantly threatening to overwhelm us. We are tiny and we seem so vulnerable to the powerful and destructive forces of the world.
Yet in the midst of that, God gave us His supernatural peace. Our Lord tells us, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (John 14:27, NIV).
We know that peace is God's will for us. Most of the New Testament letters, each word inspired by the Holy Spirit, begin with something like "Grace and peace to you."
Always remember, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7).
Yours for fulfilling the Great Commission
each year until our Lord returns,
Bill Bright
(Taken from: http://www.crosswalk.com/1148922/
*********
The picture of that mother bird on her nest is a much closer image of God's perfect peace (Adios, little hamster!). I'm thankful that He continues to be faithful to me in his provision. I've had some moments of anxiety....that is true. But when I follow the prescription of Philippians 4:6-7, I find myself in a place that I long to be. And I can only thank my Lord for it. And I pray that you would experience His peace in the midst of the difficulties that you are facing.
This week, I return for my 5th chemotherapy infusion. My oncologist has switched my Taxol to a different form...Abraxane....which does not produce allergic reactions. So, NO MORE 'elephants' on my chest!!!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
How Can I Not Sing Praise?
I've been rather quiet on the blog this week. I've had many things happen but really haven't had the time to sit down and put my thoughts together. So, this one may be longer than most as I have a lot on my heart to share with you. I'll break it down by days (and this is but a glimpse):
SUNDAY: After church, I had a good looooooooooong nap. I woke up in time to get picked up by a friend and past co-worker, Celia. Every year she and I and some of our other past co-workers try to get together for dinner. What a wonderful group of therapists (speech, physical, and sometimes occupational, too)!!! What a wonderful group of friends!!! It's always good to catch up on the latest news and events in each other's lives. So, thank you to Ann, Andrea, Eric, Julie, Kristen and Celia for coming out! And a special thank you to Celia for getting us all together.....and to Julie for being so real with me as you relate your journey with breast cancer.
MONDAY: I've been involved in a Beth Moore study with other homeschooling moms since September. We've taken it slowly (rather than the typical every week meeting) so that we can still have time to work through her lesson plans in our very busy schedules. WOW! She is such a gifted teacher! She made the comment at the beginning that you know if God has given you the gift of teaching, if after hearing something yourself, you just can't wait to share those 'new' truths with someone else. Well, here are the wonderful truths that I 'just can't wait to share' with you. As much as these apply in my life.....I believe they apply in all of our lives.
First, let me give some background. This study is called, "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place." In this study we have briefly traveled through creation and on to Abraham's life when God called him out of Ur of Chaldees and into Canaan. Then we went on to Moses's life and the subsequent journey that the Israelites took into the 'wilderness' for 40 years. The entire study is meant to teach much about the tabernacle of the Old Testament and how it is a shadow of things eternal AND how it (along with the duties of the priests) is a foreshadow of Jesus Christ in the New Testament. Yes, it is a very in-depth look......oh, how I love it!!!
So, after finishing school with my boys and then taking another long nap, a friend picked me up and we went to the Beth Moore study. Monday's lesson was taught from Hebrews 7:25. Beth always goes back to the original Greek to help better understand scripture. In this verse we learn that Jesus THRIVES in interceding for us. Yes, he already has life......but in interceding for us, he has it MORE ABUNDANTLY. Think about it.....What is it you do in life that you just 'thrive' on?....What gives you 'more abundant life?'...... To me, it was such a revelation to consider my Savior, sitting at the right hand of His father.....doing what he longs to do most.....interceding for ME!!!.....interceding for YOU!!! Friends, I know some of the struggles you are going through right now, but I know someone who knows them completely. Not only that, but he 'goes to bat' for you EVERYDAY! 'Christ is the only one who can hang with you for the length and the depth of your need.' (a quote from Beth Moore). Hang onto Him!
"What has you bent over? (What has kept you completely unable to straighten up at all?....okay think spiritually here.....What 'monkey' is on your back?) Have you come to a place where you believe that this is WHO YOU ARE & that you CAN NOT CHANGE! God's release has come to you!!!! Your past does not get to prophecy your future. God's release has come to you!!!" ......another Beth quote, minus the ( )'s.
Okay, I'd better lay my passion aside for a bit......and move on.
TUESDAY: My hubby made plans for us to go out Tuesday night with another couple to celebrate my birthday. This would not have been possible without the wonderful gift of babysitting provided by Uncle Mike! My boys just LOVE him! When we left the house around 6:30 the temperature was around 55 degrees. 4 hours later.....it was 15 degrees! As we sat down for dinner, a HUGE cold front/storm/rain/snow/tornado weather system came through. We wondered if we'd be eating our dinners in the bathroom!!! But we had a lovely dinner together with Tiffini and Tom.
WEDNESDAY: I've considered asking God for a miracle (okay, truth is, I already did, but I'm pretty sure what the answer is). I've wondered if he could just get rid of Wednesday's entirely. He made the sun stand still for Joshua in the battle at Gibeon.....so I believe it's something utterly within His power to do. Still, I think my prayer is a little more selfish......I just want to avoid the 'bad news' days.
Something else I've been learning through Beth Moore: God stays consistent with our purpose! AND God allows our trials and tribulations if they fit into His purpose. Just as David served God's purpose in his own generaion (Acts 13:36), we are called to serve God's purpose in our generation. And in the midst of the trial, in the midst of the tribulation, God will prove himself completely trustworthy, completely faithful.......And remember....Jesus 'ever liveth' to make intercession for us as we face our trials and tribulations.
So, this Wednesday, I got a call from my surgeon regarding the biopsy that was taken last Friday. If a doctor calls with results, you automatically know that the news is not good. There were cancer cells in the lymph node in my right axillary area. Although not completely certain, my surgeon and the radiologist believe this is another primary cancer.....not a metastasis from the left side. I'm not sure if I'm sold on that theory, but regardless, once I finish my weekly treatments of Taxol/Herceptin, I am tentatively scheduled for a double mastectomy. They will have to remove about 2/3rds of the lymph nodes in my right axilla as well.
What do I do when I hear news like this? I cry. I look for the hand of God upon my life. I praise him in the midst of the storm and I thank Him for He is completely trustworthy and faithful. And do you know what, I have a lot to be thankful for in this situation. You see, my oldest sister Kelly has been 'pushing me/pressuring me/lovingly nudging me' (you pick) to get a breast MRI done. But, according to my doctors and even in my own 'research', doing this breast MRI seemed like an extra expense that was not necessary since my mammogram was so clear. Then when I had to undergo two surgeries on my left side, with still another surgery looming in the distance, I came to the point where I did want more information.
So, how is it I see God's hand on me? What was your point, Michelle? The point is....I am stubborn. And God is patient. Thankfully, God gave me a more stubborn sister (I say that with my heart filled with love, Kelly!) and he made sure my margins were not clear on the two surgeries I had. HE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING on when nobody else did. You know, sometimes I pray and ask God for things, forgetting that He is sovereign and that everything works out so much better when HIS WILL is done. Had I received my answer to my prayer, "Lord, let me just have to do this one surgery," then all of this 'other stuff' would have gone unseen for a very long time. Then what? Now, I don't want to give the impression that it's not right to pray and ask God for stuff. That's not true. He desires that we come to Him with EVERY need and desire of our heart. But we have to accept that at times the answer is 'Yes,' sometimes it is 'No,' and sometimes it is 'Wait.' And in the process, we discover that He walks with us through it all. He is completely trustworthy and faithful. Just like the Footprints in the Sand poem.....sometimes He walks beside us and sometimes He carries us. He never leaves us nor forsakes us.
THURSDAY: I had some songs from church lingering in my head all day on Wednesday, so I tracked down the CD's on Thursday and played them over and over and over again. I wrote down some of the lyrics to share with you......sorry, I can't remember the names of these songs......
SONG 1:
The name of the Lord be lifted up. The name of the King be glorified.
Your banner above the earth is great. The love for your people deep and wide......
Beautiful Jesus.........How can I not sing to you?
Beautiful Jesus.........How can I not sing to you?
You have opened up my mouth to tell all that you have done.
What kind of love is this that you gave your only son............
Beautiful Jesus......How can I not sing to you?
Beautiful Jesus......How can I not sing to you?
(Repeat all of the above)
How can I not sing praise to Jesus who delivered me?
How can I not sing praise for my redeemer rescued me?
(Repeat several times)
SONG 2:
I cry to you.........My spirit's overwhelmed.
I long for you......The words I want to say are gone.
I search for you..........I feel so distant from your touch.
I bring to you.......All I have, this broken praise.
Hear me in my silent cry......And as you lift me up.......you tell me......
I am free.....Free from these chains of silence
I will shout your name 'cause it was me that you redeemed!
I am free.....in the freedom that only comes from you.
I will worship you. 'Cause I am free.
(Repeat song)
You are freedom. You are freedom. You are freedom.
I am free. I am free.
You are freedom. You are freedom. You are freedom.
I am free. I am free.
SONG 3 (bits and pieces):
Take my faith to another place in you.
Open my mind....to dream the dreams you have for me.
I want to see this world the way you do.
Open my eyes....to all that you want me to be.
*****
Thursday night, friends from my homeschooling family and church family came over and cleaned our house. What a blessing to us! Sean and I took the boys out to dinner and a movie.....a rare treat! When we got home the boys ran all over the house to see all that had been done and then came back to give me a full report! How sweet! They particularly loved their magna-doodle notes, special treats, and clean sheets!
FRIDAY: Chemo day. Well, I'd like to report that it was smooth sailing..................but I can't. After receiving the pre-meds, my nurse stayed with me as she started the Taxol. Fairly quickly into it, I started feeling pressure in my chest and my throat began to swell. The pressure built up to the point that it felt like an elephant was standing on me. I couldn't even raise my chest muscles to take in a breath. But my nurse was 'johnny on the spot' and took care of everything and even sat with Sean and I for about 45 minutes after she gave me more benadryl and eventually restarted the Taxol. All I can say is.......ARGH.......
And I'm glad today is Saturday, a new day!!!! I'd better say 'Adeiu.' ADEIU....to you and you and you! :)
**********
**********
Jeremiah 29:11-14. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord.
Psalm 139: 17-18. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
Isaiah 55:8-12. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in JOY and be led forth in PEACE; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."
Psalm 46:10. "Be still, and know that I am God."
SUNDAY: After church, I had a good looooooooooong nap. I woke up in time to get picked up by a friend and past co-worker, Celia. Every year she and I and some of our other past co-workers try to get together for dinner. What a wonderful group of therapists (speech, physical, and sometimes occupational, too)!!! What a wonderful group of friends!!! It's always good to catch up on the latest news and events in each other's lives. So, thank you to Ann, Andrea, Eric, Julie, Kristen and Celia for coming out! And a special thank you to Celia for getting us all together.....and to Julie for being so real with me as you relate your journey with breast cancer.
MONDAY: I've been involved in a Beth Moore study with other homeschooling moms since September. We've taken it slowly (rather than the typical every week meeting) so that we can still have time to work through her lesson plans in our very busy schedules. WOW! She is such a gifted teacher! She made the comment at the beginning that you know if God has given you the gift of teaching, if after hearing something yourself, you just can't wait to share those 'new' truths with someone else. Well, here are the wonderful truths that I 'just can't wait to share' with you. As much as these apply in my life.....I believe they apply in all of our lives.
First, let me give some background. This study is called, "A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place." In this study we have briefly traveled through creation and on to Abraham's life when God called him out of Ur of Chaldees and into Canaan. Then we went on to Moses's life and the subsequent journey that the Israelites took into the 'wilderness' for 40 years. The entire study is meant to teach much about the tabernacle of the Old Testament and how it is a shadow of things eternal AND how it (along with the duties of the priests) is a foreshadow of Jesus Christ in the New Testament. Yes, it is a very in-depth look......oh, how I love it!!!
So, after finishing school with my boys and then taking another long nap, a friend picked me up and we went to the Beth Moore study. Monday's lesson was taught from Hebrews 7:25. Beth always goes back to the original Greek to help better understand scripture. In this verse we learn that Jesus THRIVES in interceding for us. Yes, he already has life......but in interceding for us, he has it MORE ABUNDANTLY. Think about it.....What is it you do in life that you just 'thrive' on?....What gives you 'more abundant life?'...... To me, it was such a revelation to consider my Savior, sitting at the right hand of His father.....doing what he longs to do most.....interceding for ME!!!.....interceding for YOU!!! Friends, I know some of the struggles you are going through right now, but I know someone who knows them completely. Not only that, but he 'goes to bat' for you EVERYDAY! 'Christ is the only one who can hang with you for the length and the depth of your need.' (a quote from Beth Moore). Hang onto Him!
"What has you bent over? (What has kept you completely unable to straighten up at all?....okay think spiritually here.....What 'monkey' is on your back?) Have you come to a place where you believe that this is WHO YOU ARE & that you CAN NOT CHANGE! God's release has come to you!!!! Your past does not get to prophecy your future. God's release has come to you!!!" ......another Beth quote, minus the ( )'s.
Okay, I'd better lay my passion aside for a bit......and move on.
TUESDAY: My hubby made plans for us to go out Tuesday night with another couple to celebrate my birthday. This would not have been possible without the wonderful gift of babysitting provided by Uncle Mike! My boys just LOVE him! When we left the house around 6:30 the temperature was around 55 degrees. 4 hours later.....it was 15 degrees! As we sat down for dinner, a HUGE cold front/storm/rain/snow/tornado weather system came through. We wondered if we'd be eating our dinners in the bathroom!!! But we had a lovely dinner together with Tiffini and Tom.
WEDNESDAY: I've considered asking God for a miracle (okay, truth is, I already did, but I'm pretty sure what the answer is). I've wondered if he could just get rid of Wednesday's entirely. He made the sun stand still for Joshua in the battle at Gibeon.....so I believe it's something utterly within His power to do. Still, I think my prayer is a little more selfish......I just want to avoid the 'bad news' days.
Something else I've been learning through Beth Moore: God stays consistent with our purpose! AND God allows our trials and tribulations if they fit into His purpose. Just as David served God's purpose in his own generaion (Acts 13:36), we are called to serve God's purpose in our generation. And in the midst of the trial, in the midst of the tribulation, God will prove himself completely trustworthy, completely faithful.......And remember....Jesus 'ever liveth' to make intercession for us as we face our trials and tribulations.
So, this Wednesday, I got a call from my surgeon regarding the biopsy that was taken last Friday. If a doctor calls with results, you automatically know that the news is not good. There were cancer cells in the lymph node in my right axillary area. Although not completely certain, my surgeon and the radiologist believe this is another primary cancer.....not a metastasis from the left side. I'm not sure if I'm sold on that theory, but regardless, once I finish my weekly treatments of Taxol/Herceptin, I am tentatively scheduled for a double mastectomy. They will have to remove about 2/3rds of the lymph nodes in my right axilla as well.
What do I do when I hear news like this? I cry. I look for the hand of God upon my life. I praise him in the midst of the storm and I thank Him for He is completely trustworthy and faithful. And do you know what, I have a lot to be thankful for in this situation. You see, my oldest sister Kelly has been 'pushing me/pressuring me/lovingly nudging me' (you pick) to get a breast MRI done. But, according to my doctors and even in my own 'research', doing this breast MRI seemed like an extra expense that was not necessary since my mammogram was so clear. Then when I had to undergo two surgeries on my left side, with still another surgery looming in the distance, I came to the point where I did want more information.
So, how is it I see God's hand on me? What was your point, Michelle? The point is....I am stubborn. And God is patient. Thankfully, God gave me a more stubborn sister (I say that with my heart filled with love, Kelly!) and he made sure my margins were not clear on the two surgeries I had. HE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING on when nobody else did. You know, sometimes I pray and ask God for things, forgetting that He is sovereign and that everything works out so much better when HIS WILL is done. Had I received my answer to my prayer, "Lord, let me just have to do this one surgery," then all of this 'other stuff' would have gone unseen for a very long time. Then what? Now, I don't want to give the impression that it's not right to pray and ask God for stuff. That's not true. He desires that we come to Him with EVERY need and desire of our heart. But we have to accept that at times the answer is 'Yes,' sometimes it is 'No,' and sometimes it is 'Wait.' And in the process, we discover that He walks with us through it all. He is completely trustworthy and faithful. Just like the Footprints in the Sand poem.....sometimes He walks beside us and sometimes He carries us. He never leaves us nor forsakes us.
THURSDAY: I had some songs from church lingering in my head all day on Wednesday, so I tracked down the CD's on Thursday and played them over and over and over again. I wrote down some of the lyrics to share with you......sorry, I can't remember the names of these songs......
SONG 1:
The name of the Lord be lifted up. The name of the King be glorified.
Your banner above the earth is great. The love for your people deep and wide......
Beautiful Jesus.........How can I not sing to you?
Beautiful Jesus.........How can I not sing to you?
You have opened up my mouth to tell all that you have done.
What kind of love is this that you gave your only son............
Beautiful Jesus......How can I not sing to you?
Beautiful Jesus......How can I not sing to you?
(Repeat all of the above)
How can I not sing praise to Jesus who delivered me?
How can I not sing praise for my redeemer rescued me?
(Repeat several times)
SONG 2:
I cry to you.........My spirit's overwhelmed.
I long for you......The words I want to say are gone.
I search for you..........I feel so distant from your touch.
I bring to you.......All I have, this broken praise.
Hear me in my silent cry......And as you lift me up.......you tell me......
I am free.....Free from these chains of silence
I will shout your name 'cause it was me that you redeemed!
I am free.....in the freedom that only comes from you.
I will worship you. 'Cause I am free.
(Repeat song)
You are freedom. You are freedom. You are freedom.
I am free. I am free.
You are freedom. You are freedom. You are freedom.
I am free. I am free.
SONG 3 (bits and pieces):
Take my faith to another place in you.
Open my mind....to dream the dreams you have for me.
I want to see this world the way you do.
Open my eyes....to all that you want me to be.
*****
Thursday night, friends from my homeschooling family and church family came over and cleaned our house. What a blessing to us! Sean and I took the boys out to dinner and a movie.....a rare treat! When we got home the boys ran all over the house to see all that had been done and then came back to give me a full report! How sweet! They particularly loved their magna-doodle notes, special treats, and clean sheets!
FRIDAY: Chemo day. Well, I'd like to report that it was smooth sailing..................but I can't. After receiving the pre-meds, my nurse stayed with me as she started the Taxol. Fairly quickly into it, I started feeling pressure in my chest and my throat began to swell. The pressure built up to the point that it felt like an elephant was standing on me. I couldn't even raise my chest muscles to take in a breath. But my nurse was 'johnny on the spot' and took care of everything and even sat with Sean and I for about 45 minutes after she gave me more benadryl and eventually restarted the Taxol. All I can say is.......ARGH.......
And I'm glad today is Saturday, a new day!!!! I'd better say 'Adeiu.' ADEIU....to you and you and you! :)
**********
**********
Jeremiah 29:11-14. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord.
Psalm 139: 17-18. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
Isaiah 55:8-12. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in JOY and be led forth in PEACE; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."
Psalm 46:10. "Be still, and know that I am God."
Saturday, January 26, 2008
The Rest of the Story
Remembering my Great Grandma Vivian in my last post had purpose for me. You see, it's been a tough week and I needed some encouragement. I needed to remind myself that in the midst of trouble and turmoil, God is right there with me. Great is His Faithfulness.......morning by morning.
On Sunday, I'd developed a UTI and my temperature rose to a near-'critical' level for chemo patients (which could have sent me to a midnight trip to the ER for blood draws). I found out on Wednesday that there were some concerns with my right breast which meant I needed some core-biopsies taken on Friday. (I was dreading that procedure.) I received my chemo treatment on Thursday this week, so I had one less 'good day' to recuperate and to top it off, I had an allergic reaction to the Taxol. Feeling my throat swell up as I attempted to take in a breath was more than just a little scary....let alone seeing my skin and my sister's face turn green (which no one else saw.....so apparently, my reaction affected my vision temporarily as well). When the nurse restarted the medicine fifteen minutes later, every fiber of my being (and my sister's being) was on alert. On Friday, I went in for my biopsies. Thankfully, the 7mm mass on my right breast (from last week's breast MRI) was undetected under the ultrasound, but they did need to biopsy one of the lymph nodes in my axillary area. I find out those results next week. And depending on those results, they may need to re-look at the mass in my right breast with a breast MRI directed biopsy. In the meantime, I'm bruised, swollen and tender.
So I've had a lot of good reasons for 'throwing in the towel' this week. And the truth is, I felt like it a few times. But, as Paul Harvey would say, 'You need to hear the rest of the story......'
At church on Sunday, three wonderful ladies came up to see how I was. When I mentioned that I felt like I was getting a UTI, they didn't hesitate, but said, "Let's pray." And right there they held my hands and prayed a mighty prayer over me. I was comforted.
On Sunday afternoon, I was able to get an antibiotic for my UTI by making a couple of phone calls to the Oncology Physician On-Call....No trips to the doctor. I was relieved.
By Sunday night, as my temperature rose to 100.2, I asked Sean to pray for me. (When you're on chemo, you are not allowed to take medicine that may mask a fever). I slept well and my fever was down in the morning.
On Monday day, my mom came over to help me do school with the boys. That night, we were blessed with a meal from a friend. I felt loved.
On Wednesday, Sean was out of town when I got the results from the breast MRI. My mom and dad, sensing my fear, came over right away. I was strengthened.
That night, another friend brought us another yummy meal. And later, another friend dropped off some frozen goodies (cookies and pies) that I could have ready for whenever. With all of the unexpected stress that had popped up that day, it was such a blessing. I was blessed.
On Thursday, my friend Connie came over to do school and play with my kids. My sister Kris switched her work hours so that she could spend the day with me during my chemo treatment. (Sean was still out of town) . The day was much longer than it was supposed to be....and the experience was not at all as it had been up to that point (remember....my swollen throat and green skin!!!). But my kids had a blast with Miss Connie and I was well cared for by my sister Kris and my nurses. We were safe. We were loved.
On Friday, while waiting for my biopsies, I knew that many people were praying for me. I felt God's peace.
Also on Friday, while waiting for my biopsies, all I could think about was Sean's comment to me. He'd told me that, if it would help me at all, I could squeeze his nipple as hard as I wanted while they were doing my biopsy. Just the picture of that in my mind, made me laugh in the midst of my circumstances. And I felt treasured. (Of course, the room was too small for Sean to come in during the biopsy, so I've yet to follow through with the squeeze.....).
Now here I am on Saturday. My birthday. And my husband is playing an assortment of songs through his computer to cheer me up...."Today it's your birthday......", "Michelle, my belle", "I've got sunshine on a cloudy day...talkin' 'bout my girl", "Let me tell you again, and again, and again...I love you.....ya, ya, now and forever".........I am loved.
Yes, it was a pretty tough week. Yet, it really was a remarkable week, too. I like the comment Monica left on my last post. Life happens in the journey. Even in the tough times, there are treasures with which God has blessed us. I'm so glad to have so many friends and family who are taking this journey with me. I truly am blessed.
*********
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21
On Sunday, I'd developed a UTI and my temperature rose to a near-'critical' level for chemo patients (which could have sent me to a midnight trip to the ER for blood draws). I found out on Wednesday that there were some concerns with my right breast which meant I needed some core-biopsies taken on Friday. (I was dreading that procedure.) I received my chemo treatment on Thursday this week, so I had one less 'good day' to recuperate and to top it off, I had an allergic reaction to the Taxol. Feeling my throat swell up as I attempted to take in a breath was more than just a little scary....let alone seeing my skin and my sister's face turn green (which no one else saw.....so apparently, my reaction affected my vision temporarily as well). When the nurse restarted the medicine fifteen minutes later, every fiber of my being (and my sister's being) was on alert. On Friday, I went in for my biopsies. Thankfully, the 7mm mass on my right breast (from last week's breast MRI) was undetected under the ultrasound, but they did need to biopsy one of the lymph nodes in my axillary area. I find out those results next week. And depending on those results, they may need to re-look at the mass in my right breast with a breast MRI directed biopsy. In the meantime, I'm bruised, swollen and tender.
So I've had a lot of good reasons for 'throwing in the towel' this week. And the truth is, I felt like it a few times. But, as Paul Harvey would say, 'You need to hear the rest of the story......'
At church on Sunday, three wonderful ladies came up to see how I was. When I mentioned that I felt like I was getting a UTI, they didn't hesitate, but said, "Let's pray." And right there they held my hands and prayed a mighty prayer over me. I was comforted.
On Sunday afternoon, I was able to get an antibiotic for my UTI by making a couple of phone calls to the Oncology Physician On-Call....No trips to the doctor. I was relieved.
By Sunday night, as my temperature rose to 100.2, I asked Sean to pray for me. (When you're on chemo, you are not allowed to take medicine that may mask a fever). I slept well and my fever was down in the morning.
On Monday day, my mom came over to help me do school with the boys. That night, we were blessed with a meal from a friend. I felt loved.
On Wednesday, Sean was out of town when I got the results from the breast MRI. My mom and dad, sensing my fear, came over right away. I was strengthened.
That night, another friend brought us another yummy meal. And later, another friend dropped off some frozen goodies (cookies and pies) that I could have ready for whenever. With all of the unexpected stress that had popped up that day, it was such a blessing. I was blessed.
On Thursday, my friend Connie came over to do school and play with my kids. My sister Kris switched her work hours so that she could spend the day with me during my chemo treatment. (Sean was still out of town) . The day was much longer than it was supposed to be....and the experience was not at all as it had been up to that point (remember....my swollen throat and green skin!!!). But my kids had a blast with Miss Connie and I was well cared for by my sister Kris and my nurses. We were safe. We were loved.
On Friday, while waiting for my biopsies, I knew that many people were praying for me. I felt God's peace.
Also on Friday, while waiting for my biopsies, all I could think about was Sean's comment to me. He'd told me that, if it would help me at all, I could squeeze his nipple as hard as I wanted while they were doing my biopsy. Just the picture of that in my mind, made me laugh in the midst of my circumstances. And I felt treasured. (Of course, the room was too small for Sean to come in during the biopsy, so I've yet to follow through with the squeeze.....).
Now here I am on Saturday. My birthday. And my husband is playing an assortment of songs through his computer to cheer me up...."Today it's your birthday......", "Michelle, my belle", "I've got sunshine on a cloudy day...talkin' 'bout my girl", "Let me tell you again, and again, and again...I love you.....ya, ya, now and forever".........I am loved.
Yes, it was a pretty tough week. Yet, it really was a remarkable week, too. I like the comment Monica left on my last post. Life happens in the journey. Even in the tough times, there are treasures with which God has blessed us. I'm so glad to have so many friends and family who are taking this journey with me. I truly am blessed.
*********
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:1
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17b-19
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Vivian's 5-Day Pineapple Upside Down Cake
If there's one thing I loved most about my great grandma, it was how she could tell a story. She had the knack for drawing you in, giving just enough information, knowing when to pause, and when to sum it all up. There was rarely a time when her stories didn't include her humor and her wit.
The following is a story that Grandma Vivian told me in September, 2005. On this day were were celebrating her son Jude's 80th birthday. Now, to be fair, my memory's not always the sharpest when it comes to details, but I'll try to remember it the way it happened.
Grandma: Hey, have you tried my 5-Day Pineapple Upside-Down Cake?
Me: Not yet.......how do you make a a 5-Day Pineapple Upside-Down Cake, Grandma?
Grandma: Well, I'll tell you. You see, on DAY ONE, I looked around my kitchen to see what ingredients I needed to buy. I had only one egg and the recipe called for two. And, I was out of crushed pineapple.......but I heard that the Dollar General down the way had some fresh cans in stock.
Me: When did you get the crushed pineapple, Grandma?
Grandma: On DAY TWO. You should of seen the lady at the check out when I told her I was making my son's favorite dessert for his 80th birthday. She looked at me and asked, "His 80th birthday? Well, how old are you?" I told her......98.....and walked out of the store. I think she was surprised to see me drive myself away.
Me: I'm sure she was, Grandma. I bet she'll never forget you.
Grandma: So, on DAY THREE, I borrowed two eggs from my neighbor.
Me: Why two eggs, Grandma? I thought you already had one and just needed one more.
Grandma: Well, what do you think I had for breakfast that morning?
Me: Oh.........
Grandma: Well, on DAY FOUR, I got out my mixing bowls and pans. Then, this morning..... which was DAY FIVE........ I had that cake out of the oven before 9:00 a.m. And it's in the kitchen if you want to give it a try.
Me: I can't wait.
Every time I think of that story, I think about how a mother, even at the age of 98, desires to share her love with her child. I think of my independent, energetic, and witty Great Grandma who loved to perform, loved to bring us together with games, and loved the Pacers SO much that each year she would cover her apartment door with every single newspaper picture about them that she could find (oh, would she be disappointed in them today!). She stopped driving her car just a few months after that birthday celebration in September 2005. She'd always said that when she gave up her car, then she'd be giving up her independence. It was only a few months after she'd 'turned in her keys', that she passed away in March 2006.
Grandma's 5-Day Pineapple Upside Down Cake also reminds me that it's okay to slow down. Waiting can be good. Taking as much delight in the process as in the end result can be very fulfilling. Who knows who I might meet along the way? Who knows what I'll learn? If I try to do it too quickly, chances are I'll miss something important. I might still get the same 'end' result......like a pineapple upside cake....but maybe I wouldn't enjoy it as much as I would have enjoyed it had I just slowed down a little bit. And of course, if I take my time.....I may have a much more interesting story to tell when I get done.
The following is a story that Grandma Vivian told me in September, 2005. On this day were were celebrating her son Jude's 80th birthday. Now, to be fair, my memory's not always the sharpest when it comes to details, but I'll try to remember it the way it happened.
Grandma: Hey, have you tried my 5-Day Pineapple Upside-Down Cake?
Me: Not yet.......how do you make a a 5-Day Pineapple Upside-Down Cake, Grandma?
Grandma: Well, I'll tell you. You see, on DAY ONE, I looked around my kitchen to see what ingredients I needed to buy. I had only one egg and the recipe called for two. And, I was out of crushed pineapple.......but I heard that the Dollar General down the way had some fresh cans in stock.
Me: When did you get the crushed pineapple, Grandma?
Grandma: On DAY TWO. You should of seen the lady at the check out when I told her I was making my son's favorite dessert for his 80th birthday. She looked at me and asked, "His 80th birthday? Well, how old are you?" I told her......98.....and walked out of the store. I think she was surprised to see me drive myself away.
Me: I'm sure she was, Grandma. I bet she'll never forget you.
Grandma: So, on DAY THREE, I borrowed two eggs from my neighbor.
Me: Why two eggs, Grandma? I thought you already had one and just needed one more.
Grandma: Well, what do you think I had for breakfast that morning?
Me: Oh.........
Grandma: Well, on DAY FOUR, I got out my mixing bowls and pans. Then, this morning..... which was DAY FIVE........ I had that cake out of the oven before 9:00 a.m. And it's in the kitchen if you want to give it a try.
Me: I can't wait.
Every time I think of that story, I think about how a mother, even at the age of 98, desires to share her love with her child. I think of my independent, energetic, and witty Great Grandma who loved to perform, loved to bring us together with games, and loved the Pacers SO much that each year she would cover her apartment door with every single newspaper picture about them that she could find (oh, would she be disappointed in them today!). She stopped driving her car just a few months after that birthday celebration in September 2005. She'd always said that when she gave up her car, then she'd be giving up her independence. It was only a few months after she'd 'turned in her keys', that she passed away in March 2006.
Grandma's 5-Day Pineapple Upside Down Cake also reminds me that it's okay to slow down. Waiting can be good. Taking as much delight in the process as in the end result can be very fulfilling. Who knows who I might meet along the way? Who knows what I'll learn? If I try to do it too quickly, chances are I'll miss something important. I might still get the same 'end' result......like a pineapple upside cake....but maybe I wouldn't enjoy it as much as I would have enjoyed it had I just slowed down a little bit. And of course, if I take my time.....I may have a much more interesting story to tell when I get done.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Day 12 -- Ode to My Hair (Part II)
Ode to My Hair (Part II)
My hair, My hair!
It's very much there.
It's not fallen out
So, I'll give a big shout!
Still, it's too early to cheer
For day fourteen's not here.
(I thought I'd tell you
That I'm not feeling blue.
'Cause I trust that you care
'Bout my curly-top hair,
And were curious to know,
Well.... at least.... I thought so!)
Is it selfish for me
To ask to be free,
Of the hair on my chin
That sticks out when I grin.
...or the hair on my toes,
on my legs, in my nose?
Well, I guess I should wait
And not speculate.
And be thankful instead
For the hair on my head,
'Cause My God knows each one.
May Your will, Lord, be done!
*******
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 20:29-30
Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:19b,20.
My hair, My hair!
It's very much there.
It's not fallen out
So, I'll give a big shout!
Still, it's too early to cheer
For day fourteen's not here.
(I thought I'd tell you
That I'm not feeling blue.
'Cause I trust that you care
'Bout my curly-top hair,
And were curious to know,
Well.... at least.... I thought so!)
Is it selfish for me
To ask to be free,
Of the hair on my chin
That sticks out when I grin.
...or the hair on my toes,
on my legs, in my nose?
Well, I guess I should wait
And not speculate.
And be thankful instead
For the hair on my head,
'Cause My God knows each one.
May Your will, Lord, be done!
*******
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 20:29-30
Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:19b,20.
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