Just wanted to send a big THANK YOU to all who were praying for me yesterday morning. The procedure went well. I didn't have to be put under general anesthesia which makes for an easier recovery process. Though I'd have to say that having my head draped with the blue sterile field (with plenty of room to breathe) and conversing with the doctor on the other side as he poked and prodded, applied the new port and pried out the old port......well, that was more than a little uncomfortable for me.
One of the surgical nurses told me I was in the best of care. Although I didn't doubt his confidence in the surgeon, I did remind him that the 'proof was in the pudding.' Where that came from, I have no idea! It just rolled off my tongue as I tried to find a little humor in the midst of the moment.
The day before surgery I read the following from Isaiah 37:16......."O Lord Almighty, God of Israel, enthroned between the cherubim, you alone are God over all the kindgdoms of the earth. You have made heaven and earth." I was in the best of care on Monday morning, and always have been.........there's no doubt about it.
Please pray for quick healing so there won't be any delays to begin radiation. Pray that my new port works well when it is accessed. And please pray that this port becomes one with me as I move (in the sense that I don't always feel like a big Lego is stuck in my chest when I move my arms and my head.)
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
My Radiation Meltdown
Decisions are always difficult for me to make, but once made it's very hard to change my mind. Very Hard! This past week has been VERY HARD because I've been fighting 'tooth and nail' with my preconceived ideas about radiation. I've been battling it out in my mind for several days, stuck between 'a rock and a hard place.'
Based on my own research, I was 80% sure I wouldn't have to do radiation. When I met with my radiation oncologist, Dr. W., he was 80% sure I would have to do radiation. But he was waffling. He felt that radiation was the better option, but was trying to talk himself out of recommending it. So my sister and I left the office hopeful that he'd call me the next day and say radiation wasn't necessary.
Dr. W., bless Him Lord, went back over all of my previous tests, pathology reports, surgery details, etc. He even called other radiation oncologists in the country to get their input. He called me the next day. Based on my 'young' age and the lymph node which still tested positive after chemo, he highly recommended I go forward with radiation. Although the lymph node had shrunk during chemo, it hadn't disappeared. The cancer cells present were 'protruding' from the lymph node....rather than nicely contained inside it like a pit inside a plum. But the biggest frustration for me.....the 'booger' as I call it.....is that I would have to go back to surgery to have my infusion port removed from my right chest wall and a new one placed in my left chest wall.
Well, my stubborn soul didn't want to hear any of this. I did NOT want to go back for anymore surgeries anytime soon. I was just beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and with all of this information the light grew fainter as the tunnel grew longer. I was waiting for some glorious sign from heaven that this was not the road I would have to go down. But that sign was not apparent to me.
So, Sean and I met with Dr. W. again. During this meeting I had a 'moment' I will refer to as... "My Radiation Meltdown." I was holding out hope that Dr. W. would miraculously say with 100% certainty that I didn't need to do radiation. But instead he discussed the chances of local recurrence and other bad things that could happen if that occurred. Also lingering within other recesses of my mind was the unresolved argument Sean and I had just before walking into the appointment....completely unrelated to cancer......just stuff that pops up in marital relationships. I could not contain the irrational and emotional frustration that welled up within me any longer. My poor husband and Dr. W. They didn't have a chance! Picture in your mind the three of us sitting within arms reach of each other in a circle. I'm crying hysterically, Sean is fed up with the whole cancer thing, and Dr. W is waiting for us to make a decision.
Michelle: Okay, Dr. W. You've been talking percentages. So, what would you say are my chances of walking out of this room, getting into my car and getting into an accident on my way home? Even though I know there is that risk, I still get into my car every day. Every day! Is it 5%, 10%, 15%? Do you know?
Dr. W: (Looking over at Sean...looking at me....probably trying to figure out where that came from but not having a chance to respond before this popped out of my mouth...)
Michelle: Okay, Sean, Let's say we have 5 living children (I say this as I hold up my hand in front of his face, fingers extended, wiggling one at a time). Let's say we have to decide which 4 to keep. Which one are you going to get rid of, Sean? Which one?
Sean: Honey....
Dr. W: (With sincere concern for my ballistic state....) Would you like to speak to one of our Chaplains?
Michelle: No.
We left the office soon after that. Even I knew that I was in no shape to continue the discussion. Radiation was the recommendation....which meant having another surgery. (That was the Rock I was avoiding).....Of course, not doing it meant potential greater risks in the future.....Would I be willing to ignore those risks? (That was the Hard Place). We had to decide how we would move forward.
We prayed, I cried; we discussed, I cried; we ate, I cried; we slept, I cried. Time was not on our side. Finally, we decided to go forward with radiation. I've not completely resolved the battle within me. There's a fingernail and maybe a tooth or two that are still hanging on and not letting go. But that is something I will have to work out with my Lord. In the meantime, I have surgery scheduled for Monday morning.
Based on my own research, I was 80% sure I wouldn't have to do radiation. When I met with my radiation oncologist, Dr. W., he was 80% sure I would have to do radiation. But he was waffling. He felt that radiation was the better option, but was trying to talk himself out of recommending it. So my sister and I left the office hopeful that he'd call me the next day and say radiation wasn't necessary.
Dr. W., bless Him Lord, went back over all of my previous tests, pathology reports, surgery details, etc. He even called other radiation oncologists in the country to get their input. He called me the next day. Based on my 'young' age and the lymph node which still tested positive after chemo, he highly recommended I go forward with radiation. Although the lymph node had shrunk during chemo, it hadn't disappeared. The cancer cells present were 'protruding' from the lymph node....rather than nicely contained inside it like a pit inside a plum. But the biggest frustration for me.....the 'booger' as I call it.....is that I would have to go back to surgery to have my infusion port removed from my right chest wall and a new one placed in my left chest wall.
Well, my stubborn soul didn't want to hear any of this. I did NOT want to go back for anymore surgeries anytime soon. I was just beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and with all of this information the light grew fainter as the tunnel grew longer. I was waiting for some glorious sign from heaven that this was not the road I would have to go down. But that sign was not apparent to me.
So, Sean and I met with Dr. W. again. During this meeting I had a 'moment' I will refer to as... "My Radiation Meltdown." I was holding out hope that Dr. W. would miraculously say with 100% certainty that I didn't need to do radiation. But instead he discussed the chances of local recurrence and other bad things that could happen if that occurred. Also lingering within other recesses of my mind was the unresolved argument Sean and I had just before walking into the appointment....completely unrelated to cancer......just stuff that pops up in marital relationships. I could not contain the irrational and emotional frustration that welled up within me any longer. My poor husband and Dr. W. They didn't have a chance! Picture in your mind the three of us sitting within arms reach of each other in a circle. I'm crying hysterically, Sean is fed up with the whole cancer thing, and Dr. W is waiting for us to make a decision.
Michelle: Okay, Dr. W. You've been talking percentages. So, what would you say are my chances of walking out of this room, getting into my car and getting into an accident on my way home? Even though I know there is that risk, I still get into my car every day. Every day! Is it 5%, 10%, 15%? Do you know?
Dr. W: (Looking over at Sean...looking at me....probably trying to figure out where that came from but not having a chance to respond before this popped out of my mouth...)
Michelle: Okay, Sean, Let's say we have 5 living children (I say this as I hold up my hand in front of his face, fingers extended, wiggling one at a time). Let's say we have to decide which 4 to keep. Which one are you going to get rid of, Sean? Which one?
Sean: Honey....
Dr. W: (With sincere concern for my ballistic state....) Would you like to speak to one of our Chaplains?
Michelle: No.
We left the office soon after that. Even I knew that I was in no shape to continue the discussion. Radiation was the recommendation....which meant having another surgery. (That was the Rock I was avoiding).....Of course, not doing it meant potential greater risks in the future.....Would I be willing to ignore those risks? (That was the Hard Place). We had to decide how we would move forward.
We prayed, I cried; we discussed, I cried; we ate, I cried; we slept, I cried. Time was not on our side. Finally, we decided to go forward with radiation. I've not completely resolved the battle within me. There's a fingernail and maybe a tooth or two that are still hanging on and not letting go. But that is something I will have to work out with my Lord. In the meantime, I have surgery scheduled for Monday morning.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Turtle Chelle
Slowly.......in fact, too slowly......I'm recovering from my surgeries. Yesterday, I was trying to explain to Sean how strange I feel. And it dawned on me.....turtle shell.
I feel as if I've acquired a turtle shell around my rib cage. It's very restrictive. Certainly, this will go away as my body continues to heal, but in the meantime, I have this odd 'shell-like' feeling on my trunk......like an extra rib cage.....or like a suite of armor that I can't take off. Hmmm....Maybe I could pass for the fifth Ninja Turtle?.......Wouldn't my boys like that!!! Cowabunga Dude!!!
Well, now that you're envisioning me as Leonardo, Michelangelo or Donatello (what's the name of the fourth one?), let me switch gears........
There's a strange comfort I find in my turtle shell. I can use it as a good excuse to shut myself off from the world around me. I can tuck my little head and arms in and 'hide.' I could easily find myself retreating into the isolation this temporary shell has to offer me. But I have to ask myself? Why? What good would that do? To whom would that serve? And if I find temporary comfort in escaping from the world around me, who's to say that I would ever want to come out again?
Don't worry, I'm not falling into a depression. Well, maybe I did take a little 'dip' this week. It's not too hard to travel down that road. Escaping....hiding.....isolating oneself......It does have it's appeal...for the short run. But in the long run, it's a very dangerous road to travel.
If you're there, or have been there, you know what I'm talking about. I'm not a doctor. I don't have all the right answers or solutions, but I do know that the only one who benefits from our depression....the only one who cheers us on to take a deeper step into the 'Pit of Despair' (you have to say that like the guy in Princess Bride)........the only benefactor is satan.
If you find yourself carrying around your own 'spiritual' or 'emotional' turtle shell this week, I just want to encourage you to call a friend. Poke your head out......and see that not all is lost. Reach your arms out......and find comfort in companionship. Take a step out of the pit......and discover that satan is a liar.
*******
"The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." Romans 16:20
"But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Hebrews 10:39
I feel as if I've acquired a turtle shell around my rib cage. It's very restrictive. Certainly, this will go away as my body continues to heal, but in the meantime, I have this odd 'shell-like' feeling on my trunk......like an extra rib cage.....or like a suite of armor that I can't take off. Hmmm....Maybe I could pass for the fifth Ninja Turtle?.......Wouldn't my boys like that!!! Cowabunga Dude!!!
Well, now that you're envisioning me as Leonardo, Michelangelo or Donatello (what's the name of the fourth one?), let me switch gears........
There's a strange comfort I find in my turtle shell. I can use it as a good excuse to shut myself off from the world around me. I can tuck my little head and arms in and 'hide.' I could easily find myself retreating into the isolation this temporary shell has to offer me. But I have to ask myself? Why? What good would that do? To whom would that serve? And if I find temporary comfort in escaping from the world around me, who's to say that I would ever want to come out again?
Don't worry, I'm not falling into a depression. Well, maybe I did take a little 'dip' this week. It's not too hard to travel down that road. Escaping....hiding.....isolating oneself......It does have it's appeal...for the short run. But in the long run, it's a very dangerous road to travel.
If you're there, or have been there, you know what I'm talking about. I'm not a doctor. I don't have all the right answers or solutions, but I do know that the only one who benefits from our depression....the only one who cheers us on to take a deeper step into the 'Pit of Despair' (you have to say that like the guy in Princess Bride)........the only benefactor is satan.
If you find yourself carrying around your own 'spiritual' or 'emotional' turtle shell this week, I just want to encourage you to call a friend. Poke your head out......and see that not all is lost. Reach your arms out......and find comfort in companionship. Take a step out of the pit......and discover that satan is a liar.
*******
"The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." Romans 16:20
"But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Hebrews 10:39
Saturday, May 17, 2008
The Ultimate Survivor
My wonderful, gracious, and patient mother-in-law......may she be awarded a special medal of honor!!!.......anyway, as I was saying......My wonderful, kind, generous mother-in-law offered to watch my younger two boys for me while I healed up from my surgery.
So on Monday, April 28th, Sean and I met her on the north side of town. She drove over an hour to pick up my babies (okay, so they're 4 and 6....they're still my babies), and then whisked them away while visions of 'sugarplums' danced in their heads. You see the best things about Grama's house, besides Grama and Papa, are the endless reserves of Popsicles and homemade cookies.
At the end of each week, I'd call to talk to the boys and to check in with Grama. At the end of each call, the conversation would go something like this:
Me: Well, I'm doing a little better. When do you want us to pick up the boys?
Grama: Michelle (long pause), are you sure? I'll keep them another week if you need me to.
Me: (Long pause......tears beginning to form in my eyes....throat swelling as I attempt to hold back my emotions)....Are you sure?
Grama: Yes, I'm sure.
Me: (Crying)....Okay......
So, it's been almost THREE weeks. I have missed those boys. I couldn't stand it any longer. So, we drove up north today and picked them up. My how they have grown!!!! I just had to share the conversations Grama heard from my boys:
Parker: Grama, you have two chins!
(Grama was....well....a bit speechless. Before she could respond, Brenner said.......)
Brenner: Well, not really Parker. Really, it's only one.
******
Parker: Don't you know, Grama, they make cream nowadays for those wrinkles. You put it on and ...... poof!
******
Papa was going mushroom hunting with his special mushroom stick. Brenner, who still says the /d/ sound for the /st/ sound said, "Papa, let me see your /st/ick." Papa looked at him a bit confused. Brenner said it again, more emphatically, "Papa.....let me see your /st/ick!" Luckily, Grama was nearby and could translate for Papa.....before Papa thought to wash Brenner's mouth out with soap!!!!!
******
Brenner: Is Papa the boss of this house?
Grama: Yes.
Brenner: So.....you're the boss of Papa? And........you're the boss of the cat and Papa's the boss of the dog.
******
Brenner developed an itchy rash on his face and trunk (probably poison ivy from all the rolling around in the grass and running through the fir trees). So, Grama gave him plenty of oatmeal baths. On his last night, while lying on his back as he soaked in the tub, Brenner produced a matter-of-fact statement while demonstrating what his 'boy part' could do: "You know, Grama, it stretches."
******
Grama: I'm going to really miss you boys.
Brenner: Well, Grama, I will be in your heart and I will be in Papa's heart.
******
Parker: (When he found out he was coming back home....) I've had fun Grama, but I've got to get home and get some rest. All of this rough-housing has tuckered me out.
******
Parker: (When he saw me today) Yeah, Mommy, I taught Grama everything she didn't know.
Well, it's good to have ALL my boys home again. How I've missed them! I've re-thought the medal of honor that Grama should get. Really, when you think about it, she's had to outwit, outplay, and outlast a 4 year old and a 6 year old for over 20 days. She's the Ultimate Survivor. I'm sorry I don't have a million dollars to give you, Saundra.......but I know there are treasures in heaven just waiting for you!!!!!!
********
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where, moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21
So on Monday, April 28th, Sean and I met her on the north side of town. She drove over an hour to pick up my babies (okay, so they're 4 and 6....they're still my babies), and then whisked them away while visions of 'sugarplums' danced in their heads. You see the best things about Grama's house, besides Grama and Papa, are the endless reserves of Popsicles and homemade cookies.
At the end of each week, I'd call to talk to the boys and to check in with Grama. At the end of each call, the conversation would go something like this:
Me: Well, I'm doing a little better. When do you want us to pick up the boys?
Grama: Michelle (long pause), are you sure? I'll keep them another week if you need me to.
Me: (Long pause......tears beginning to form in my eyes....throat swelling as I attempt to hold back my emotions)....Are you sure?
Grama: Yes, I'm sure.
Me: (Crying)....Okay......
So, it's been almost THREE weeks. I have missed those boys. I couldn't stand it any longer. So, we drove up north today and picked them up. My how they have grown!!!! I just had to share the conversations Grama heard from my boys:
Parker: Grama, you have two chins!
(Grama was....well....a bit speechless. Before she could respond, Brenner said.......)
Brenner: Well, not really Parker. Really, it's only one.
******
Parker: Don't you know, Grama, they make cream nowadays for those wrinkles. You put it on and ...... poof!
******
Papa was going mushroom hunting with his special mushroom stick. Brenner, who still says the /d/ sound for the /st/ sound said, "Papa, let me see your /st/ick." Papa looked at him a bit confused. Brenner said it again, more emphatically, "Papa.....let me see your /st/ick!" Luckily, Grama was nearby and could translate for Papa.....before Papa thought to wash Brenner's mouth out with soap!!!!!
******
Brenner: Is Papa the boss of this house?
Grama: Yes.
Brenner: So.....you're the boss of Papa? And........you're the boss of the cat and Papa's the boss of the dog.
******
Brenner developed an itchy rash on his face and trunk (probably poison ivy from all the rolling around in the grass and running through the fir trees). So, Grama gave him plenty of oatmeal baths. On his last night, while lying on his back as he soaked in the tub, Brenner produced a matter-of-fact statement while demonstrating what his 'boy part' could do: "You know, Grama, it stretches."
******
Grama: I'm going to really miss you boys.
Brenner: Well, Grama, I will be in your heart and I will be in Papa's heart.
******
Parker: (When he found out he was coming back home....) I've had fun Grama, but I've got to get home and get some rest. All of this rough-housing has tuckered me out.
******
Parker: (When he saw me today) Yeah, Mommy, I taught Grama everything she didn't know.
Well, it's good to have ALL my boys home again. How I've missed them! I've re-thought the medal of honor that Grama should get. Really, when you think about it, she's had to outwit, outplay, and outlast a 4 year old and a 6 year old for over 20 days. She's the Ultimate Survivor. I'm sorry I don't have a million dollars to give you, Saundra.......but I know there are treasures in heaven just waiting for you!!!!!!
********
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where, moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Have You Seen the Son Today?
As the fog in my mind continues to lift, I am just amazed at the brilliance I see all around me. Yet, mostly I hear others complaining about cloudy skies. "When will the sun shine again?" I realize my circumstances aren't like most, but I can tell you the Son IS shining. You just have to look a little closer......
His face was shining in the smile of the grocery clerk who checked us out at Kroger.
I saw it in my dental hygienist face as she tenderly cared for me yesterday. In fact I saw it in all of the faces of the staff who worked so quickly to get me in at the last minute.
He was there at the park on Monday as a friend and I shared our hearts, our burdens, and our joys together.
It was hard not to see him when another friend brought us a meal on Tuesday and then returned again on Wednesday to take me out of my house for a little while.
There was that moment today that my sons and I read about Gladys Aylward and her amazing devotion to the people of China. After 10 years of unconditional love and service....through good times and war......through her good works and constant service to the Lord, the mandarin of the province in which she worked gave a big celebration in her honor as she sat at his right side. At the end of the feast he publicly declared that he wanted to serve the same God that Gladys Alward had served so faithfully. WoW!!!! (I know that happened many years ago during WWII, but reading it today had a huge impact on me!!! And I don't think it was just my hormones!!)
His eyes sparkled in my mother's eyes as she tenderly massaged my scarred skin the other day.
Have you seen the Son today? If you think about it, I'm sure you have!!
**********
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:6-9
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers....Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. I John 3:16,18
We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. I John 5:13,14
"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you." Isaiah 60:1
His face was shining in the smile of the grocery clerk who checked us out at Kroger.
I saw it in my dental hygienist face as she tenderly cared for me yesterday. In fact I saw it in all of the faces of the staff who worked so quickly to get me in at the last minute.
He was there at the park on Monday as a friend and I shared our hearts, our burdens, and our joys together.
It was hard not to see him when another friend brought us a meal on Tuesday and then returned again on Wednesday to take me out of my house for a little while.
There was that moment today that my sons and I read about Gladys Aylward and her amazing devotion to the people of China. After 10 years of unconditional love and service....through good times and war......through her good works and constant service to the Lord, the mandarin of the province in which she worked gave a big celebration in her honor as she sat at his right side. At the end of the feast he publicly declared that he wanted to serve the same God that Gladys Alward had served so faithfully. WoW!!!! (I know that happened many years ago during WWII, but reading it today had a huge impact on me!!! And I don't think it was just my hormones!!)
His eyes sparkled in my mother's eyes as she tenderly massaged my scarred skin the other day.
Have you seen the Son today? If you think about it, I'm sure you have!!
**********
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:6-9
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers....Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. I John 3:16,18
We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. I John 5:13,14
"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you." Isaiah 60:1
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The Two-Week Fog is Clearing
Whew! The last two weeks have been a complete blurr for me. After coming home from surgery I settled into a nice pattern of eating, taking pain meds, managing my drains and sleeping. Then one frightful night I awoke and could not pull myself out of bed. Sean had to give me quite a boost. Once in the bathroom, I felt very light-headed and thought I might pass out at any moment. Sean helped clean me up and get me back to bed. We wondered if he should call 911. It was hard to breath, my whole trunk felt like it had been beaten up by 5 middleweight champions, and my ears were ringing an unrecognizable, screechy sound, the room was spinning and I was frightened. We laid there and prayed. Slowly my breathing calmed and the ringing dissipated. My trunk still felt beaten and bruised, but as long as I stayed in one position it was tolerable. So, we went back to sleep. Well, kind of.......
In the morning I called my doctor. She ordered some stronger pain medicine and a muscle relaxer to help with the spasming in my trunk muscles. I really liked them. For the next week I took my pain medicine and muscle relaxers like clockwork. They were more important to me than food (although I still found plenty of things to eat......for some reason, my appetite survives even the most trying of times). I spent much of my time in bed having odd dreams as I floated between reality, semi-reality, and the unknown world that kept calling me back to the dream world. Somewhere in that existence I found time to do some important things. Like, school with my older two boys. Oh yeah, keeping up with the incredibly naive "Survivors" who were systematically being kicked off the island. I made sure I was lucid enough to find out what was going on with Jack and Kate and John and Ben on "Lost," otherwise I'd totally be lost when I came back to the real world.
The worst of all has been the emotional roller coaster ride. Instead of spending a few years curving through the line for the menopause 'ride,' I jumped right to the front seat when I decided to have my oophorectomy surgery. And instead of taking that slowly inclining part that gets you ready for the ride, I just woke up one night hanging over the crest of the tallest mountain. Whoosh! It all came at me at once.......hot flashes, tears, fatigue, more tears, more hot flashes, more emotions. My poor Sean.....He can't win for trying!!! And he's trying SO HARD!!!! I've been a blubbering weeble-wobble for over a week now.
And in the midst of ALL of this I'VE HAD SOME REALLY GOOD NEWS from pathology. I've just been too 'drugged' with medication and too emotionally/physically exhausted from the never ending menapause roller coaster to tell you all about it. Well here's the good news:
Endometrium: NO EVIDENCE of hyperplasia or malignancy
Ovaries: Benign Cysts
Left Breast: No evidence of residual in situ or invasive carcinoma
Right Breast: No evidence of in situ or invasive carcinoma on initial sections
Lymph Nodes on right: 1 of 17 lymph nodes positive for metastatic ductal carcinoma.
Basically, God has taken care of everything, whether it be from his direct hand or from the gift of chemotherapy that He has given modern medicine......either way, it is to his credit and to HIM alone that I give all the praise, all the glory, and all the thanks. All the areas that were once positive on MRI, (except for the one lymph node that was biopsied) no longer contain cancer cells.
What's next? I will meet with a radiation oncologist to determine if I need any radiation based on the 1 positive lymph node. Chances are slim. I will continue with Herceptin every 3 weeks for one year, and I will begin an arimatase inhibitor to block my body from using any other estrogen being produced by my adrenal glands.
But most importantly, I will take this day as the BEST MOTHER'S DAY of all. Because I'm here and Il have 4 of the most precious gifts from God, and I have 2 Moms whom I love and for whom I am very grateful. Happy Mother's Day Mom and Saundra!!!!!
In the morning I called my doctor. She ordered some stronger pain medicine and a muscle relaxer to help with the spasming in my trunk muscles. I really liked them. For the next week I took my pain medicine and muscle relaxers like clockwork. They were more important to me than food (although I still found plenty of things to eat......for some reason, my appetite survives even the most trying of times). I spent much of my time in bed having odd dreams as I floated between reality, semi-reality, and the unknown world that kept calling me back to the dream world. Somewhere in that existence I found time to do some important things. Like, school with my older two boys. Oh yeah, keeping up with the incredibly naive "Survivors" who were systematically being kicked off the island. I made sure I was lucid enough to find out what was going on with Jack and Kate and John and Ben on "Lost," otherwise I'd totally be lost when I came back to the real world.
The worst of all has been the emotional roller coaster ride. Instead of spending a few years curving through the line for the menopause 'ride,' I jumped right to the front seat when I decided to have my oophorectomy surgery. And instead of taking that slowly inclining part that gets you ready for the ride, I just woke up one night hanging over the crest of the tallest mountain. Whoosh! It all came at me at once.......hot flashes, tears, fatigue, more tears, more hot flashes, more emotions. My poor Sean.....He can't win for trying!!! And he's trying SO HARD!!!! I've been a blubbering weeble-wobble for over a week now.
And in the midst of ALL of this I'VE HAD SOME REALLY GOOD NEWS from pathology. I've just been too 'drugged' with medication and too emotionally/physically exhausted from the never ending menapause roller coaster to tell you all about it. Well here's the good news:
Endometrium: NO EVIDENCE of hyperplasia or malignancy
Ovaries: Benign Cysts
Left Breast: No evidence of residual in situ or invasive carcinoma
Right Breast: No evidence of in situ or invasive carcinoma on initial sections
Lymph Nodes on right: 1 of 17 lymph nodes positive for metastatic ductal carcinoma.
Basically, God has taken care of everything, whether it be from his direct hand or from the gift of chemotherapy that He has given modern medicine......either way, it is to his credit and to HIM alone that I give all the praise, all the glory, and all the thanks. All the areas that were once positive on MRI, (except for the one lymph node that was biopsied) no longer contain cancer cells.
What's next? I will meet with a radiation oncologist to determine if I need any radiation based on the 1 positive lymph node. Chances are slim. I will continue with Herceptin every 3 weeks for one year, and I will begin an arimatase inhibitor to block my body from using any other estrogen being produced by my adrenal glands.
But most importantly, I will take this day as the BEST MOTHER'S DAY of all. Because I'm here and Il have 4 of the most precious gifts from God, and I have 2 Moms whom I love and for whom I am very grateful. Happy Mother's Day Mom and Saundra!!!!!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
A Poor Reflection
All went well in my surgery on Tuesday. Thank you to so many who prayed for me. It took about 5 hours from beginning to end, and both doctors reported that all went well in their procedures. I ended up staying two nights in the hospital. Now, I'm home recuperating.
I could say that this week was a piece of cake, a laugh a minute, and walk in the park. Ha! Well, I did have a piece of cake.....no, it was pie. Peanut butter creme pie...mmmmm. I probably did laugh for a whole minute.....if you add them all up for the week. But I've cried way more than I've laughed. I did walk down my road today. With all the trees in green it felt like I was in a park.....with a very wide sidewalk....only I didn't get very far and had to come back home to rest. Okay....forget all that. This week was definitely not paradise.
But I am here! I am loved! I am thankful! I still sing praises to my Creator! Listen to these words from Paul:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.....For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
These words from Corinthians 13:4-8,9-13 have been on my mind today. Love. Imperfection. Reflection. Hope. Faith. The first time I looked at the reflection of my 'new' self in the mirror, I cried. I did. I saw physical imperfection at its greatest. This is not how God created me. This is not how he knit me together in my mother's womb. This bald headed, bare-browed, breastless being that was looking back at me....who was she?
And yet, He knew. He knew this day would come. He prepared me for this moment. I'm not sure how. I'm not even sure when. But somehow. In some way. He prepared me. And the reflection that He sees of me is not what I see. He sees my broken heart and makes it new. He makes me whole. He has never left me. He restores me. He guides me. He loves me. He has surrounded me with family and friends who love me, too. Family and friends whom I love. People who can laugh with me, cry with me, hold me, and protect me. I could not walk this path alone, unloved, hopeless and faithless.
Here are just a few images of love that I glimpsed this week:
I could say that this week was a piece of cake, a laugh a minute, and walk in the park. Ha! Well, I did have a piece of cake.....no, it was pie. Peanut butter creme pie...mmmmm. I probably did laugh for a whole minute.....if you add them all up for the week. But I've cried way more than I've laughed. I did walk down my road today. With all the trees in green it felt like I was in a park.....with a very wide sidewalk....only I didn't get very far and had to come back home to rest. Okay....forget all that. This week was definitely not paradise.
But I am here! I am loved! I am thankful! I still sing praises to my Creator! Listen to these words from Paul:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.....For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
These words from Corinthians 13:4-8,9-13 have been on my mind today. Love. Imperfection. Reflection. Hope. Faith. The first time I looked at the reflection of my 'new' self in the mirror, I cried. I did. I saw physical imperfection at its greatest. This is not how God created me. This is not how he knit me together in my mother's womb. This bald headed, bare-browed, breastless being that was looking back at me....who was she?
And yet, He knew. He knew this day would come. He prepared me for this moment. I'm not sure how. I'm not even sure when. But somehow. In some way. He prepared me. And the reflection that He sees of me is not what I see. He sees my broken heart and makes it new. He makes me whole. He has never left me. He restores me. He guides me. He loves me. He has surrounded me with family and friends who love me, too. Family and friends whom I love. People who can laugh with me, cry with me, hold me, and protect me. I could not walk this path alone, unloved, hopeless and faithless.
Here are just a few images of love that I glimpsed this week:
- Two doctors, each holding one of my hands, as I drifted off to 'surgical' sleep with tears dripping down my cheeks.
- A nurse who gave a gentle touch, a kind reassurance, a sweet smile.
- Fragrant, beautiful flowers and encouraging cards that fill my home with reminders of friends and family who care.
- A husband who helps me get dressed, who cares for my every need, who looks at me...all of me.....and tells me that he loves me.
- Family and friends who continue giving their time and love.
This love that Sean and I have been wrapped in this whole week is only part....only a small reflection of God's love. I treasure every single-itty-bitty-bit of it. Thank you so much for sharing God's love with us!!!
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